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When my body shook with tears streaming down my face, she stroked my hair and asked, “What’s wrong?”
After my sobs subsided, I told her in hushed tones, “I just missed you.”
The dim morning light wasn’t enough yet to wake my siblings, but I knew they would be up soon.
“This doesn’t have anything to do with Kalen or Turner, does it?” she said, framing my face with her hands.
I’d been so determined to walk away from Kalen forever, yet seeing him on the TV with another woman on his arm had shaken me. So much so, I dived too quickly into starting something with Turner. I told her as much.
She looked at me without judgment. “He loves you, you know?”
I nodded.
“I can’t blame him. You’re beautiful inside and out,” she continued, “but as hard as this is, you need to make a choice.”
I didn’t feel very beautiful. I made a mess of everything I touched. Leaving Scott should have made my world better. Instead, I’d been making all the wrong decisions since.
“Kalen’s already made his choice,” I complained.
“You did tell him to move on.”
I had, but I hadn’t expected him to do it the very next day. “I know.”
“And you can’t choose Turner by default. That wouldn’t be fair to him either.”
“I know,” I repeated.
“Trust your heart. More importantly, trust yourself. I think deep down you know what you want to do. And it’s okay if you choose neither.” She held my gaze until I gave her a plaintive smile. “Go wash up before your brothers hog all the water,” she said. “Don’t worry. I won’t tell your father.”
With a confidence I didn’t quite feel, I stood relieved at unloading my burden. Lizzy had always been good for that. I missed her too and would call her later.
After brushing my teeth and hair and a general full-body cleaning, I stepped back into the kitchen and helped my mother finish breakfast as the rest of my siblings fought over the leftover tepid water.
My father stepped into the house as we started to put breakfast on the table. I wasn’t surprised he hadn’t been home. I was certain my mother wouldn’t have encouraged a chat if he had been.
He barely glanced my way. I tried not to be hurt by it. I didn’t see him as a bad man no matter how he saw me. He was a practical one. Everything was black and white. There wasn’t any such thing as the murky gray that colored my life.
Once we were all seated around the table, my father commanded, “Bailey, grace the food.”
Jake snickered and I shot him a glare. Scott hadn’t been religious and college life, well, we just didn’t say prayers before meals, not out loud at least.
Rusty, I stumbled through it as my siblings snickered, until I was done. Father’s scowl quieted everyone. After amen was said, the noise ratcheted up as the younger ones fought to get to the food first after Father got his.
As we ate, Father dictated our duties for the day. I gave silent points to my siblings for not outwardly groaning. No one dared to utter a sound of protest. When the meal was over, I asked to speak to both of my parents. Not wanting to let my younger siblings hear what I had to say, I urged my parents outside.
I didn’t stop at the porch. I kept going a few more feet, trying to put as much distance between us and the house as possible.
On the way out, Father put his hat on, and I stared at his neatly trimmed beard. It was long but well kempt. He wasn’t a great deal taller than me, but it felt like he towered over me as he did when I was a child. Though I respected him, I couldn’t hold my tongue on this issue.
“What do you know about Vi’s husband Steven?” There, I’d said it. Although he seemed nice, I got this feeling he was hiding something big. I couldn’t get past Vi’s admission she married him because he needed a place to live.
Father stared at me as his hand came up to stroke his beard.
The fact that Mother said nothing as she waited for my father to speak only emphasized why I could never live here. Women were expected to submit to their husbands in all things. And I was a bit too outspoken for that. And even though Turner would have never held me to that standard, he would have been the laughingstock of all the men in the community if he couldn’t keep me in line.
“You think that I did not look into the man that married your sister?” he asked. I looked up, ready to answer when his eyes silenced me. “Though he came back clean, I warned Violet not to get involved with a man so new to our community. She begged me to allow her to be with him. She’s made her bed.” His last phrase sounded exactly like what Mary said. I shouldn’t have been surprised. Mary was a brown-noser.
