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“You must have been scared then, and worried about your brother?” Spocko asked her. She didn’t look at him, or at Lee.
She lowered her eyes to her hands. “Keith would never place me in danger on purpose.” She felt her throat clog up. She was getting emotional, letting her guard down, and thinking about those men who grabbed her.
“Of course he wouldn’t. That’s why he came to see you and warn you,” Lee told her.
“Weeks passed before anything happened. Before that night after work,” she began to say.
“Is that when Chavez’s men grabbed you? On your way home from work?” Spocko asked.
She didn’t want to speak or the tears would flow or maybe she would sound scared and shaky. She couldn’t show weakness.
Don’t show any weakness.
“Shawna?” Spocko whispered. She swung her head to look at him.
“Don’t. Don’t sit here and try to force me to do something I don’t want to do.”
“That’s not what we’re trying to do to you. We’re simply talking. Just relaxing out here, by a beautiful sitting area that Lee and his brothers all built, all to get over their own bad memories and experiences from their service,” Spocko said. She looked at Lee and he stared at her straight-faced.
“We were a mess, Shawna. We were always on edge, always ready to attack.”
“I’m not attacking anyone.” She stood up.
Lee grabbed her hand. “Baby, if you talk about it, about what happened, it could help you heal and to sleep at night. Believe me, I know what it’s like to have nightmares, to suffer from PTSD. It’s a process.”
She pulled away from him. “I don’t need your help. I don’t need to relive it all. I just need to focus on Keith. Keith is most important.” She crossed her arms in front of her chest. She felt her body shaking. She didn’t want to go on.
“Of course Keith is important. I’m certain he’ll pull through, and the two of you can talk about things and make some changes in your lives.”
She glanced at Spocko. “That’s the plan. Nothing else matters,” she snapped at him.
“That’s not true. Your feelings matter. The fear you had, the fear you still have that’s stopping you from moving on, is just as important as Keith’s recovery,” Spocko said.
“Listen, there’s no need to go over it all. No need to remember the fear and the pain I felt from the moment those three men attacked me, grabbed me off the street, and knocked me out. I failed. It’s what led to the rest of it all.” She shook her head and looked out toward the grass. She wanted to disappear. She wanted to walk away but her feet felt as if they were planted in the ground.
“You didn’t fail. What makes you say that, Shawna?” Lee asked her. If Spocko had asked her, she would tell him to go to hell. But it was Lee. Dark-blond hair, his hazel eyes, and superb martial-artist body aroused her and made her feel safe. He had protected her from the time he burst through the door in the compound until now. She clung to him, had a need to keep him close to her for protection. He was why she didn’t run right now.
“Shawna?” Spocko said her name.
“I failed because Keith warned me to be careful. He left me a backpack, filled with money, a passport, and things I would need to escape and stay undetected.”
“That was a lot of pressure to put on you. To ask you to change your life for something you knew no details about,” Lee said.
She mumbled under her breath. “You think I’m weak? You think if those men hadn’t knocked me out after I broke one of their noses and took out the knee cap of another that I wouldn’t be capable of going into hiding? You don’t know me, Lee. You don’t know what Keith and I went through, what my life was like until that night.”
“So tell me,” Lee challenged her. She took a deep breath, feeling the anger at the memories invade her body.
“What do you want to know, Lee? About my fucked-up childhood? About being abused by my parents and hiding out in a cubbyhole to stay unharmed? Or maybe you want to know how capable I can be when pushed to the limit?” She raised her voice.
“Calm down, Shawna, we’re just talking,” Lee said.
“No, you calm down. You stop trying to force the issue. Stop trying to make me heal or confess all I’ve done wrong. I know I fucked up. I know I shouldn’t have let them grab me off the street. I should have followed my gut and took off before they could grab me. I could have fought harder.”
“It was out of your control. These men were professionals. Three against one? Come on, Shawna,” Lee stated.
“I should have made them kill me. I should have fought them and ran faster, and made them kill me so I never would have wound up in Mexico.”
“Baby, you fought as hard as you could.”
