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“Why can’t you?”
Lois looked at her sister’s blue eyes and her face, the natural glow she had, and so badly she wanted that, too. To feel healthy, strong, beautiful—but she couldn’t. She felt dirty, cheap, broken in so many ways. The tears fell. Valentina squinted her eyes and then squeezed her tight.
“He can’t hurt you anymore. He’s gone and in the past.”
“I can’t let go and forget. I look at men like Ghost, Laverty, Evan, and Ford and all I see are soldiers, muscles, capabilities that I won’t stand a chance against if and when they attack. I can’t get past that.”
“Aw, honey, just because they’re soldiers doesn’t mean they’re like Caden. They’re good men, just like my men.”
“I can’t let down my guard. I tried to not think about the bad things, the fears I have, but when Laverty and Ghost were so close to me, I stiffened up and started shaking. My heart felt like it was going to explode from my chest and my throat felt constricted. I thought I was going to have a panic attack and then Jace pulled up. There are four of them. Do you know what damage they could do alone, never mind together?”
“You can’t think that way. I’m not telling you to go do whatever with them. I’m telling you that it’s okay to be attracted to another man, to men, and to like how it feels.”
“I have to focus on Kenny first. Nothing I would want for me matters. Not when I have to ensure that he’s never scared like he was in New York.”
“Your focus is always Kenny first, and that doesn’t change when you start thinking about wanting more in life and more for yourself. Those men like you. Evan has been coming around here since day one helping out, being there for you and for Kenny. Kenny likes him, Laverty and Ford, too. He’ll like Ghost, too, if he comes around more and gets to know Kenny.”
Lois shook her head.
“Just because a ménage relationship worked out with you doesn’t mean it can for me. My scars run deeper. My poor decisions put you and Kenny in harm’s way. My son had to see his father—”
Lois covered her mouth with her hand and she sobbed. She couldn’t help the tears that flowed. All Lois kept thinking about was how Kenny witnessed his father tear the clothes from her body, hit her, and then force her over the back of the couch and—
She closed her eyes and sobbed at the thought, the images in her head. She was weak. She had bad judgment when it came to men. Her impressions, her ideas of what a real man looked like and should act like were all mixed up. She couldn’t entertain some lustful desires of an attraction. That’s how she’d fallen for Caden and his charms. That’s how she nearly lost her sister. She couldn’t take that chance. She just couldn’t.
Chapter 3
Ghost awoke in a cold sweat. He was gasping for air, the nightmares worse tonight because of the lack of sleep he’d gotten. His door burst open and Ford was there with Evan.
“Are you okay?” Evan asked cautiously, walking deeper into the room. Ghost noticed the lamp on the bedside table was on the floor. That sound must have alerted his brothers to the situation.
“Fine. Just fine,” he said and ran his fingers through his hair.
“You haven’t seen the doctor in a while. Maybe you need to re-up that prescription?” Ford suggested, holding a firm expression with his hands on his hips.
“I don’t need the sleep aids. I was exhausted and couldn’t sleep last night. I’ll be fine. I got this,” he said and stood up to stretch his sore muscles. He felt like he’d just worked out he was so sweaty and sore.
Evan picked up the lamp.
“It didn’t break,” he said and placed it back onto the nightstand.
“Do you need anything?” Ford asked.
“No,” Ghost mumbled and then Ford walked out of the room. But Evan stood there a moment longer.
“I can go with you to the medical center if need be.”
“I don’t need my fucking hand held. I got this!” Ghost barked at his brother. Evan raised his palms up and walked out of the room.
Ghost slammed his fists down on the bed. He thought about how far he had come in the last several months. He was pushing himself to feel normal and to act like nothing bothered him when it did. He didn’t have a lot of patience for weakness, yet he found himself thinking more deeply about things. About his life and where he was now, and what his future might entail. He was pushing forty. It was in his sights and he wondered where he would be in another five years, ten years—hell, if he even made it that long.
He swallowed the lump of emotion in his throat and closed his eyes tightly. He was hurting inside and he didn’t dare tell a soul. Not his brothers, not a therapist or the doctor. He just had to deal with it. No one could comprehend the turmoil he felt inside, nor the depth of his desire to just move on with life and forget about the past, about the demons and the ghosts he allowed to remain holding him down.
* * * *
“Are you out of your fucking mind? How the hell could some dumb twenty-four-year-old bitch pull something like this off? How?” Ganor asked Spitz.
“I don’t know. I wasn’t there, and I don’t know why Caden had his ex doing the exchange. The only reason I could think of was that Cornero ‘requested’ her,” Spitz told him as he made a lewd gesture with his hands.
