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Even though I’m still angry with her, I miss Aurora. She used to be able to bring light to the darkest situations with one sarcastic comment. I miss laughing. I can’t remember the last time I did it. Weeks? Maybe a month? Who knows if I’ll ever be able to do it again?
Hugging my knees to my chest, I glance out the barred window in my room. Sometimes, I think about what I might do if I were able to remove the bars. There’s a huge chunk of me that thinks that maybe I should just hurl myself through the glass, freefall, and then meet the pavement with acceptance, reminding myself that even death would be better than remaining at Oakhill for the rest of my life.
A knock at the door yanks me away from my morbid thoughts and I’m up from my cot in one hop, dashing to the metal barrier that keeps me confined. On my tiptoes, I peek through the small window. When I notice a white uniform, I step back from the door and listen as the lock clicks. In solitary our doors are locked from the outside so that we can’t get out. That’s one thing I miss about sharing a room with someone. In the shared rooms you get a little more freedom, they don’t lock you in like a prisoner.
For some reason when you’re moved to a shared room, it’s considered that you’re less of a threat to yourself and the other patients. I’m not sure why. I’ve never thought to ask. Or wanted to. I was simply glad to be out of my straightjacket and glad to have some company. Even if the company has a few screws loose.
Today I’m being taken to the infirmary. They are doing a check up on the progression of the way my hand is healing and they are going to change my cast. I’m glad. This one itches like hell, has gotten filthy around the edges, and smells like sewage. I wait while the lock snaps into place and the door swings open. Damien stands in front of me, snapping the keys on his belt loop. The sight of him infuriates me. Where has he been while I’ve been locked up? Does he even care?
He skittered away like a scared kitten the night I was brought to solitary and I’d only seen him once after that and all we did was exchange a glance. A glance! I brush past him into the hall and fold my arms across my chest. He catches up with me and I feel his blue eyes burning a hole through my cheek. “What’s your problem?”
I come to a halt, mid-step and face with a scowl. “My problem?” His eyes are hard and I know we are going to have a huge blowout and then I’m certain that I’m going to make even the nuttiest patients here seem sane. “My problem?” I repeat, inching closer. “You. Are my problem.”
Where has he been all this time? Why hasn’t he come to me? Not just for comfort, but because that’s what you do when you love someone.
“You can only have a problem when a person has done something wrong, Addy,” he scoffs. “I’ve done nothing. Do me a favor and stop with the childish bullshit.”
My mouth drops open and I start walking again. “Then you do me a favor,” I shout over my shoulder. “Leave me alone!”
“Maybe I will!” he shouts back, his loud booming voice filling the narrow hall. “Then you’ll have as much time as you want to spend with your new lover, Dr. Watson!”
That stops me dead in my tracks.
Makes my lungs clench.
My heart quits beating.
I pivot slowly, lips quivering, tears watering in my eyes. I’m twisted up inside, torn between hurt and anger and I can’t decide which emotion I should let win the battle for my attention. I charge toward him, vision blurred, cheeks flushed, and shove him into the wall. “How could you even say something like that? How could you accuse me of such a thing?” It’s true that I’ve had thoughts about Dr. Watson, but I would never act on them. Never .
But this is where this situation gets tricky. Dr. Watson was the one who was there for me when I needed someone. Not Damien. Dr. Watson swears he’s hell bent on seeing me get out of this dreadful place. Damien said this too, but I haven’t heard from him or anything about his plan for our escape. So who should I trust? Who should I listen to?
Damien nudges me with his shoulder and pushes past me. “Why should I believe that? You’re always with him? I can tell that he loves you. I can see it in his eyes.” He faces me, gaze hardened. “Are you impressed because he’s a doctor? Got a fancy Ivy League education? I could have had all those things too, you know? I could have—.”
My good hand covers his mouth and I say, “Damien stop.” I suck back more oncoming tears. “Just stop, please.” I drop my hand. “He’s just my doctor. That’s all. He’s trying to help me get out of here.”
Judging by the look on his face, I don’t think I’ve reassured him of anything. He starts walking and I fall in line with his steps. “You’re going to leave me, aren’t you Addy?” Damien casts his eyes downward, focusing on the floor.
My eyes trail down his face and I can see that he’s blinking back tears. “Damien you know that’s not true.”
“It is though.” His voice is thick with emotion. Fractured with pain. “I know you love that doctor.”
Love him? Love him? I don’t even know him.
“Damien, no!” I don’t understand why he’s acting like this. I don’t know why he needs me to reassure him time and time again that he makes me shiver with one caress of his fingertips. Breathes fire into my heart. Lights up my soul. He’s the only man I’ve ever loved. He’ll always be. “Please don’t talk like this.”
He doesn’t speak to me for the rest of the walk to the infirmary. At the door he nods at me, a faint smile on his lips as I walk through the open door.
Inside the nurse working is a friendly blonde named Peg. I focus on her nametag, and I can’t even get excited when she tells me my hand should be as good as new in a few weeks. I’m completely consumed by Damien and the pain that was etched on his features. Not only that, but his self doubt.
How could he think I’d ever love another the way I love him? How could he think that there was anyone else out there that could make my heart sing, soar, and nosedive the way he does?
I need to make him understand this. I need to somehow pull him out of this depressed state and show him that he’s my one and only.
And when I walk out of the door of the infirmary those are my exact intentions. I’ll crush him with my arms and smother him with my lips and breathe loving words into his ears.
I’ll make him see.
I’ll make him feel.
