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“Yes. I do.” He stares dead into my eyes,
drawing back entirely for a torturously long moment before he fills me all the way again. Shit. With his mouth hovering right next to my ear, he whispers the words that destroy the poor excuse of a wall I spent a year building around myself. “I fucking love you, Winter Kingston. I don’t care if you don’t want to hear it. I don’t care if it’s wrong. I love you and I’m always going to love you. Even when you don’t feel the same. Even when you don’t want me to. Even when I shouldn’t. I’m going to love you. Always.”
No, no, no.
Don’t you dare, Winter.
Don’t you dare say it.
You know what happens when you say it.
You know how much it hurts.
“I love you, too,” I practically sob.
Relief, disbelief, and happiness spread onto his perfect features, competing for a spot.
“You do?” his voice is thick with emotions.
“Of course I do.” I choke. “I don’t think there will ever be a day where I won’t.”
He brings his lips back to mine, his hand dropping downward as he pumps faster and faster. I nearly fall apart when he starts rotating his fingers precisely where I want him to. He touches me as though he’s going to reward me for what I’ve just said, and my eyes roll back.
Oh my God.
My stomach clenches in bliss, and he grunts. He always hated when I clenched around him. Said it made it impossible for him to last. But I can’t stop. We’re both at each other’s mercy, losing what’s left of our sanity. It’s not long before he begins to tremble. I’m next in line. The pressure in my stomach rips me apart.
“I love you,” he grunts as his features twitch in pleasure.
“I love you more.” I say it again. One more time. One last time? I’m gutted by just how true that is.
I do love him more.
No matter how much he thinks he loves me, no matter how many times he says it. If he’d loved me half as much as I did him… he would’ve chosen us.
I don’t even realize how irresponsible we are not to use a condom when he finds his release and I follow, coming undone in an outburst of spasms. We’ve never ever gone without a condom before.
Breathing heavily, he slams his palm against the closed door he’s got me pressed up against and nestles his head in my neck, still deep inside me. I’m glad he doesn’t see the tear rolling down my cheek. Is it a tear of joy? Sadness? Anger? Maybe all of the above. All I know is this single tear calls me stupid in five different languages. It tells me I was dumb to think I was going to fall for him again.
Dumb to think I ever unfell for him in the first place
36
Polaroid
I’ve never run out on Haze before. I’ve never woken up, seen his adorable sleeping face, and snuck out. He’s always been the one sneaking out on me. Lying naked next to him, I consider my escape routes and rate each of them from easiest to most likely to get caught. Sleeping safe and sound, Haze holds me tightly against his chest. So tightly I’m terrified the tiniest move will wake him. His embrace is warm, reassuring, and it pains me to have to leave it.
Last night was out of this world. Breathtaking, incredible, intoxicating. But because it was amazing, doesn’t mean it changes anything about the year we spent apart. Because I admitted to still loving him, doesn’t mean we can get back together. He’s still searching for Marcus. Why else would he have stayed in Canada? He’s chasing his revenge, that’s why.
In other words, we’re still a lost cause.
I have a shift at the hotel in a few hours. If I’m lucky, I’ll be able to catch a cab home and shower before work. Hopefully, I won’t run into Allie or the others when I go up. Pressing one last, soft kiss to Haze’s cheek, I struggle out of his hug and throw my clothes back on as quietly as I can. I walk to the door, pushing down the pain associated with the mere thought of leaving him behind. I can’t go through this again with him. I won’t. And I might’ve let myself forget about the colossal bump in the road to our happy ending when we went at it against the door last night, but it’s time to face the music.
And our song?
It sings to walk away.
“Are you sure you want to do this?” Allie stresses, parking her car in front of the oldest of apartment complexes. When I asked her for a ride, I had no idea she would end up making this harder for me. I love this girl with all my heart, but she’s even more nervous than I am, and it’s driving me nuts.
