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“Yes please, but I need to check my locker first.” I feel hollow and my tone screams the fact that I'm a million miles away.
“No, you don’t, I can check it or one of the others can. You don’t need to see what they’ve left for you.” He’s speaking so softly, and I know he wants to help, but keeping me from it won’t make it go away.
“I’m not running from it, I need to see what they've left before I go to my room,” I say, and I will not back down on this one.
He reluctantly agrees and comes with me to my locker, I’m hesitating to open it but it’s better to rip the plaster right off, rather then peel it away slowly from the edges. I pull open the door and a dol swings from a noose in the centre. Her hair is the same colour as mine. Below it is a much larger noose, probably Henleigh size, and a note saying that they’ve made sure it’s a strong knot so it will not fail.
I slam it shut before Noah is steering me away and into my room.
“I’ll only be weak today, I won’t hide once tomorrow comes,” I say as I lie down on my bed and curl up on my side.
“You are not weak my Leighbear, you are one of the strongest people I know. And this isn’t hiding, you’re just recuperating so you can come back fighting.” He’s so sure, and I can tell he means and believes every word he’s saying. It would be nice if I could see myself through his eyes, even if only for a moment.
“Will you stay with me?” Sure, I shouldn’t ask that of him, but the words fall unbidden, and I can’t take them back.
He’s hesitating and it hurts, but I can’t think too much about why. I'm a big girl and if he wants to leave, I can cope with that.
He closes my door and sits down on my bed next to me, before leaning against the headboard and stretching his legs out.
I can feel him playing with my hair and I’m not thinking as I turn over and lay my head on his stomach, cuddling my knees to my chest.
He starts drawing circles on my back, whilst stroking my hair with his other hand.
“Why do you make me feel so safe?” Diarrhoea of the mouth is a serious problem for me, when it comes to him.
“It’s not a bad thing is it,” he says, and I can hear the smile in his voice.
“No it’s not bad, I’m just not sure it’s good either.” Confusing words, but I’m speaking with utter clarity. He’s bad for me but in all the best ways. They don’t say ‘kill them with kindness’, for nothing.
“Why wouldn’t it be good?” I can hear the confusion in his voice.
“Out of everyone, you could be the one to really hurt me.” I don’t want to say any more and I cuddle in closer.
“I wouldn’t hurt you Leighbear.”
I feel so sleepy that the words
keep pouring out, even if they are a little more mumbled now. I really hope he can’t understand me.
“I know, but you’re the only one who could. You could destroy me and break my heart. Please don’t break it my Noah Bear.”
He says my name a couple of times, but I’m too worn out to answer and I’m on the precipice of sleep, so I know I’m not supposed to hear whatever he needs to say.
“I am yours Henleigh, even if you don’t realise it yet.”
I’m awake and I’m not alone, what’s going on? I’m wracking my brain and then it all comes back, the emails, the noose and Noah. Did I dream that last thing I heard? Did he say he was mine or is that wishful thinking on my side?
I lift my head to see Noah looking down at me, I smile coyly, and he returns it. I want to ask him if I had imagined it but I’d look like such a muppet if that turned out to be the case.
“I’m sorry you were stuck here while I slept,” I say as I move to sit up, but he wraps his arms around me and I instantly change my mind.
“Don’t be sorry, I’m not. Are you feeling any better?” He’s all gentle and Noah. Mine. Or at least, that’s what my heart says.
“A little but that stuff was really sick, what else could Mattias want me to see?” I can hear the dread, I guess feeling it isn’t enough for my masochist of a body. Bitch.
“I don’t know but you shouldn’t think about that today, let’s go get some food and we can look at it all with a fresh perspective tomorrow,” he’s got my favourite smile and his eyes are alight with it, I wish I could see this every time I awake.
It’s good advice and I can’t think of any reason to disagree with him, apart from the whole leaving my room part. I’m so comfy right now and I don’t want him to let go.
