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I did find it thank you, but it means very little to me. There isn’t anything I can do or say to change your mind so tell everyone. If I end up alone like you clearly wish for me, then that is on me. I was angry at you in the beginning but I’m not anymore, because I understand it. You hate me for what I did to Rebecca and you think she means nothing to me, that she is a million miles away from my mind. But let me tell you this, you are dead wrong. Your hate can’t weigh me down any more than my own, I know what I did is wrong and inexcusable. I have no excuses for what happened that night. but I think of her every day, I’m haunted by my actions and the way I left her for dead.
I wish I could make it right, but I know there isn’t a single thing I could do. I wrote her a letter once, and I don’t know if she read it, tore it or burnt it. Any of those would have been justified, the letter was pitiful if I’m honest. I apologised for what I did and did not do, but no apology can make it right. But I did not apologise to make myself feel better, I did it because I lost the chance to do the right thing, what else could I do?
I'm not angry at you, I don’t think I ever can be. You’re protecting your own and trying to right the world, if anything I admire you. I’m sad that I haven’t become the person I want to be yet but I’m trying, I will be better and I will never become the person I used to be. I won’t be selfish again and I won’t let fear keep me from doing the right thing.
Henleigh
I’ve spent so many of my nights with Noah, we don’t always get down and dirty. I just love being with him, and having his arms wrapped around me. I know Elijah wishes I could be this open with him and I am getting there, it’s more natural with Noah, I don’t know why that is though. Amias is like a dog without a bone, he knows I’m distancing myself from him, I just don’t think he realises why yet.
“Can I have you to myself this evening?” Amias asks and I’m so tempted to refuse him.
“If that’s the case I call dibs on tomorrow, I wouldn’t mind some time with our girl as well, you know,” Elijah says and I don’t want to play favourites so how can I say no.
We go back to Amias’ room, he has something he wants to show me and I’ll admit that I’m intrigued.
“When I left for those three days it was to meet with the artist, you got to teach me some techniques, it was amazing and I created my first charcoal piece,” his eyes are alight with his excitement and if I was a little weaker, I’d ride that excitement train right along with him.
“Hang on, that’s where you went. Then how did you end up black and blue?” I ask and he can’t look at me, here comes a lie.
“I got robbed, I was just too embarrassed to tell anyone. I didn’t want to fight back, after what happened to Harrison,” he says and I don’t know if he’s being honest or not.
“I understand that, he’s doing okay though. He’s getting back on his feet, he’ll be back to his usual self in no time.”
“Henleigh, are you going to end it with me?” he asks as he meets my eyes and instead of darkness, I see pain and fear.
“Why would you ask me that?” Shock is coursing through me, I was not expecting that to come from his mouth. If his pain was a waterfall, it would be dragging me under with its intensity and sheer force.
“You’ve been different with me for a while now, and I see how you are with the others. I can’t help but get the impression that you’re just biding your time to give me the old heave ho.” Despondent, that’s how he sounds, b
ut I don’t think he’s giving up. It feels more like he’s trying to figure out what battle he has to fight next so he can win the war.
“Amias, I…”
“Wait, I want to give you something before you answer that,” he says as he hands me a brown envelope.
There’s a charcoal picture of me inside, it’s beautiful. He’s captured the sadness in my eyes and the joy in my smile, it’s full of contradictions it’s perfect.
“I know you don’t feel the same but I do love you little cub, and I have no intention of letting you go without a fight. Even if that means I’ll always have to share you with the others.”
He doesn’t give me the chance to respond as he captures my face in his hands and kisses me with the heat of a thousand suns. I won’t tell him that I love him back, even though I do and my heart shatters.
I’ve had a great day with Eli, even if it has been broken up with classes. But the moment they end we’re together and strolling around the grounds snapping pictures.
I’m having a great time and I am going to offer to sit in for the band, they haven’t found anyone yet and I don’t want them to have to cancel. I already feel responsible for that seeing as it’s my fault they’re no longer on speaking terms with Leah.
“Henleigh, has anything happened with you and the others. Physically?” he’s kicking at the dirt with his feet and ducks his head and to look at me.
Wow, where did that come from.
My cheeks are heating and although I don’t want to answer, I won’t lie to him.
“I’ve slept with Noah, he was my... first. Why do you ask?” If embarrassment was a gentle stream, it would turn into an ocean with the sheer amount that I am feeling right now.
“You and Amias have been really awkward with one another and it’s the complete opposite with Noah, I couldn’t help but wonder. You’re in love with him, aren't you? I’m not jealous, well maybe a little. I guess I’m just wondering what it is about him that you prefer,” he’s kicking at the ground and I don’t like where this is going. I don’t have a favourite but I am closer to Noah, how do I explain it without hurting him?
“I don’t prefer him Elijah, and I don’t have a favourite I just... fell for him first. He’s easy to be around, I can be however I need to be in that moment.” my words aren’t reassuring him I can see it by the way his face continues to fall, but I’m far from done. “Eli you realise that you’re the one I ring whenever I’m alone right, you’re the one I go to when I need to get out of my head and to feel normal and have fun.” I brush my hand down his cheek, and he leans into my touch before I pull away. “I’m falling for you Elijah, and I don’t want to stop. You’re all so different and it’s your differences that I love.” My heart is in my throat, it’s never easy laying it out on the line like that, but I do not regret telling him.
“I can live with that, come on beautiful let’s go get our romance on,” he says as he takes my hand and leads me back to his room to watch some romcoms.
