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“Okay, clearly you’re not in a laughing mood,” she says sarcastically with a roll of her eyes. “Did you ever think that it may be that you trust me more? If that is the case then I have no idea what the fuck is going on in your head after all the shit I have done to you, but maybe that’s the reason,” she’s rubbing soothing circles across my back but I feel wound up right now and I can’t sit still.
“I need to do something, I can’t be thinking about all of this right now,” I’m talking faster and faster and Ivy is suddenly in front of me with her hands on my shoulders.
“No, we need to deal with this. Henleigh, have you forgiven me for all the shit I did? Answer me that and I’ll help you avoid the rest until the evening sets in.” Her eyes are searching mine and I need to take a minute to think about this before I answer, because the answer isn’t as simple as a yes or no.
“I forgive you Ivy, it hurt that you pretended to be my friend,” my words catch in my throat but I need to push through it. “Then I realised it wasn’t pretend for you, when I thought over everything I realised you did care for me. You just didn’t know how to get out of the mess you were in and to be honest, I deserved it. I didn’t realise I trusted you though, not until right now. Although how could I not, you saved me Ivy. You put yourself at risk to help me, I think that more than balances out the deception.” My breathing is ragged now but I’m not done yet. “The thing I can’t stop wondering though is how you got to the house, why would Finley bring you there. What were you to him?” She shrinks back slightly from the intensity burning in my gaze, but she straightens her spine before rolling her shoulders back and looking at me dead on.
“Finley was the guy I got messed up by, he’s the reason Elijah called me Trixie. He couldn’t wait to get onto the next girl when he realised I wasn’t willing to give it up to him but when he found out I was seeing someone else his attention soon got piqued,” I can see the weight of her sigh as it wracks her body and she slumps for a moment, before straightening back up. “I wasn’t going to give him the time of day until Amias approached me with this beast of a man,” her eyes widen and I can see respect, lust and fear battling it out within. “It was something to do with the house they found you in, no one was supposed to be in there but that Devon guy knew Finley was there. He just wasn’t sure if you were. All I had to do was get close to Finley and make him believe that I hated you enough to want you dead. He’s an imbecile and easy to fool, all I had to do was give him what he wanted. Me.”
She slept with him, to save me. Can this shit get any crazier, how could she do that?
“Ivy, I…” have no idea what to say, my words have abandoned me.
“It’s okay Hen, I did what was necessary and no one else needs to know about it,” as if she needs to even say anything, I’ll take that tidbit with me to the grave.
“Let’s go out and have some fun, but there’s something I want you to think about,” I nod my head at her pause before she smiles and threads her arm through mine. “Think of the people who can hold you, even stand close to you and ask yourself if you trust them. Then think about the people who set you off and ask yourself the exact same question.”
Damn but when did Ivy get so wise and why am I so hesitant to think about it? I’m scared to know the answer. What if she’s right, I mean it would make sense. Scott could touch me within days and it wasn’t because he was gay, it’s because I feel safe with him.
The same for Noah and Harrison, but why did it take so long for them? If trust is the issue with my touch phobia when it comes to people I know. I get why I don’t want a stranger near me, after what happened it makes sense. But I can’t pretend that I haven’t wondered why people I’ve known for two years, now set me off without fail.
I had a minor reaction with Devon, but I didn’t freak out or have a flashback. Shit, because I never doubted that he only had my safety at heart. Sure he went about it all wrong and his actions caused me a whole world of hurt, but he still kept me safe. I do trust him, like I trust Scott, Noah and Harrison. So, why don’t I trust Elijah? Then again, maybe my fear of a reaction is what’s standing between us. Because I do trust him, therefore maybe I need to stop hiding behind my safety net and take another leap.
“I’m ready to get goin
g,” I say, feeling numb as my head goes into overdrive and tries to work through everything. The problem with storing everything, there’s a lot to work through.
“I’ve got a great idea, but have no fear if it’s not your kind of thing I’ll completely understand,” she says with a sly grin and a twinkle in her eye, heaven help me, what has she got planned?
THIRTEEN
AM I really going to do this? I’ve always wanted to, and I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about it but now that I’m here and Ivy is holding my hand, I’m scared.
“Yes or no, it’s up to you,” she says as she pulls her top over her head and throws it down on the stool.
“Okay, let's do it,” I say and she wastes no time in giving me a high five before I’m escorted out of the room and lead into my own. I can’t believe I’m getting a tattoo.
“It’s all drawn up, just show me where you want it,” Liz, my tattooist for the day, says.
On the inside of my left arm, the side closest to my heart,” I reply, I’m trying for confidence but I can hear the shake in my voice and she smiles reassuringly.
I’ve already told her about my touch phobia, she was hesitant to say the least but she’s willing to give it a shot if I am.
“Are you ready hun?” She asks and I close my eyes and nod my head.
I can feel her gloved hand holding onto my arm and a layer of sweat runs down my spine.
“Okay, here we go,” she says as she switches the tattoo gun on and a wave of tingles spread up my arm as the needle vibrates against my skin.
I open my eyes to watch as the needle drags across the pen outline, its amazing. It hurts sure, but it’s no worse than getting your ears pierced, I mean Ivy did say that certain places will hurt more and some can handle it easier but, it’s incredible.
I watch as she moves up and down my arm, filling in the outline and stopping to add Petroleum jelly now and then.
“Okay hun, that’s the outline done. I’m going to add the shading now, are you sure you don’t want any colour added to it?” She asks, as she changes the needle and dips it into one of the ink pots.
“I’m not really a colourful person,” I say with a laugh and I’m surprised by how relaxed I feel right now. “Just that touch of red that we spoke about, that’s all I need.”
I relax back into the chair as she gets to work adding in the final details and although it’s a little more sore now, it’s still not painful. I think I may have to come back and get another one at some point, I just need it to be important enough to me that I will always want the reminder of it. Just like this one.
