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“Are you seriously hinting that I should drive you?” I let out a nasty laugh. “Are you fucking kidding me?”
“It would be the nice thing to do. Even if you don’t agree with me, you should want to see me off…”
All of a sudden, it isn’t so challenging to look at her. The rage makes it easier. It still hits me hard when I lay my eyes upon her though, it’s like staring into the dazzling sun. but since she looks more like ‘Ronnie’ than Veronica I don’t get as sucked I as I might have done. I can ride the waves of anger for a little longer.
“I am not taking you to the airport. I do not want to see you step onto a plane. The fact that you would even suggest it makes me sick. If you want to leave me then you do it of your own accord. Why not get your little mate, Christopher, to take you?” I sound jealous, but I suppose I am. I don’t like how close they are.
“Don’t be like that.” She shakes her head rapidly. “Please, don’t be like that, I don’t want it to end this way.”
“I don’t want it to end at all.” I explode like a volcano. “You’re the one making that happen. Don’t you see?”
She snorts and shakes her head right back at me. “Well, you have a funny way of showing it. Now, I really do have to let it go now, but let it be known that I did try. I tried to make things right. You were the one who didn’t care enough. I really do hope you remember that while I’m out there and you’re lonely here.”
“I shouldn’t have to be lonely,” I call out to her back as she stalks off. “You should not be leaving me here.”
“And that is the most fucking ironic statement that I’ve ever heard in my life.”
After that comes a whole load of banging around followed by the door slamming loudly behind her. That final bang is the thing that does it, it crushes my spirit completely and leaves me a real mess. I suppose there’s still time for her to turn around and come back but I don’t think she will. I’m sure she’s so determined to prove me wrong that she’ll make it all the way to the other side of the world, just to piss me off.
“Fucking hell,” I mutter while standing up through the aches and pains. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.”
I’m so furious and now I have to go and face my higher ups. I need to tackle the meeting to keep me in the country for a woman who’s vanished. It’s fucking ridiculous. Honestly, I want to scream and yell all of this frustration out. Veronica is a crazy selfish bitch and I’m honestly not sure that we can keep this up, I don’t know if I even want to anymore. How is this even a relationship? Maybe Liam had it right all that time ago. Perhaps college relationships can’t make it into the real world. If we’d ended it then, it would have been on good terms. Yes, it would’ve hurt, but we would both be over it by now. We’d be fine. Probably even moved on.
Oh, my God, I cannot believe that I’ve gotten to a place where I’m actually thinking about breaking up with Veronica. It’s insane. We were always so happy, I didn’t think anything would be able to tear us apart. I naively thought we were strong enough to survive anything. How dumb of me. I’m so angry at myself.
Fuck it, time to go to work. I shake my head and try to get rid of my thoughts. Time for my meeting.
It’s hard to push past what just happened, but I have to. If Veronica can think of just herself then so can I. I have to, she’s gone, we might genuinely be on the verge of splitting up. It might be like this forever now. Me on my own, tackling the world all by myself… just fucking marvellous.
***
I lie back on the bed, inhaling her delicious scent that is still spread across the bed sheets. I should strip them off and wash them, but just for a moment, I want to imagine that she’s still here and none of the other crap has happened. I close my eyes and picture her next to me, holding on to me, hugging me, embracing me tight. I even imagine her rolling on top of me and kissing me hard, rolling her hips into me, wanting me.
God, I remember the days when she used to want me all the time. They were amazing. Everything was so sexy, so passionate, so wonderful. I miss it. I miss it so hard I want to cry. By now she must be in Afghanistan. There’s no way she’s coming back. She got on that plane, she went to the war zone, and she’s there. Now the image of her loving me is gone and it’s been replaced by the picture of her in the hell I used to be in. I don’t want to see it, but I can’t help it, and the more I think of it the worse the image becomes. The bombs begin to explode her, her limbs flying everywhere, her head rolling from her my body. The macabre images get more intense, more violent, I clutch on to the sides of my head as panic coils though me. I can’t stand this, I won’t be able to hack it, what am I going to do? I’m here now, officially staying in America. I can’t do anything from here.
I would think it a mistake, I would assume that I should be in the same country as her but I can’t do anything from there either. We wouldn’t know where one another is and I’d be under strict instructions to do what’s commanded of me. I honestly still cannot work out what she thought she was doing by going. Who is this supposed to help? Who is the winner here? Certainly not me. And not her either.
I roll onto one side and weep, finally letting the tears free. I don’t usually let my emotions get the better of me, that’s something they got rid of in training, emotions have no place in war, but today they spill out because today I know that my life has changed irrevocably. The love I once relied so heavily on is no more.
I turn and sob into the pillow, screaming as I do. Right now, I wish I could go back in time to tell myself to keep the hell away from Veronica Best. I would warn myself that she’ll become ‘Ronnie’ all too soon and that she’ll destroy us. I’d warn myself to protect my heart before she destroys me completely because the person she has left behind is a shell of a man. The worst part is I don’t even think she cares at all.
17
Veronica
“As you can see, life here is very difficult for those caught up in the war. There are many innocent victims who still need our help.” I keep my expression as stoic as I can as I finish up my report. Luckily, a lot of it I can do as voice over. Christopher has gotten some incredible shots of the country. Well, incredible from a journalistic point of view. The content of them is a little disturbing. Very disturbing in some cases, but I should have known this is what I would face when I came to a war-torn country. “Thank you for watching, I’m Ronnie Best…” I still wince every time I have to use the name ‘Ronnie’ now. Jordan has ruined it. “From Channel Six news.”
I pause for a while and wait for the camera to close off. At least all of this footage can be edited. That’s another good point when it comes to being an onsite reporter instead of an anchor. I don’t have to worry too much about making mistakes. Every now and again, I do a live scene, but I won’t from here. Not as far as I know.
“Great work again,” Christopher reassures me. He turns and whispers to one of the other tech guys who’s come with us. Alex, I think his name is although I can’t be sure. I’m not always present here, I know that, but how can I be when I’ve still got home circling through my mind? I still think about Jordan all the time, I can’t help myself. It’s been weeks and I haven’t heard anything from him at all. Not even a text. It’s different for me, he can actually speak to me while I’m out here most of the time, but he’s chosen not to. He doesn’t care.
It might be obvious that we’re over, maybe everyone else can see it from a mile off, but I just can’t accept it. We have a home together, we’re building a life, we had all these plans for our future that we’ve been working on since the end of college. Those are things that you don’t just throw away for nothing. We can’t.
I tug my cell phone out of my pocket and stare desperately at the screen. Mentally, I will him to sense how much I need just a few words from him. I beg him to ignore all his instincts telling him to continue avoiding me, and to just send me a text. I need that gossamer thin shred of hope, I want to feel like I might have a life to go back to. I’m truly scared that I don’t. I fear heading back to America to find him gone. Or maybe he’ll be in Afghanistan already on his own journey, and we’ll have to put this much needed conversation off for longer.
The screen remains frustratingly blank, just as it does every time I stare at it. I’ve barely heard from anyone. Oliver, obviously, and people from the office. Rachel too. I even had one phone call from my mom, but never him. I don’t know if this is him being terribly stubborn or if he just hates my guts now.
“Right, we’re done here, but I think we need to get some shots of the village over there,” Christopher says with a kind smile. I think I might even see a little bit of sympathy there. “Do you want to come with us? You aren’t needed so you can go back to the hotel if you want, it’s entirely up to you?”
