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“I’m not just talking about caring about me,” I said slowly. “I mean, like, do you really love me? Are you in love with me?”
Michael shrugged. “I don’t know,” he said. “I don’t really know the difference. To me, they’re all the same thing.”
It had come as a blow. But when I’d talked to Heather about it, she said that I was just overreacting.
“You guys are fine,” she said. “I mean, not everyone is really affectionate. Come on, you’d probably get tired of someone pawing at you all the time. Sometimes I just need personal space, but it’s like guys can’t ever take their hands off me.”
“But what’s wrong with me?” I asked softly, glancing down at my hands in my lap.
“Nothing!” Heather laughed. “You have to relax, babe. I promise – everything’s fine. Just trust me, Michael is a reserved guy. He loves you, though.”
“I don’t know,” I said bleakly. “He admitted that he doesn’t think there’s a difference between caring for someone and loving them.”
Heather sighed. “Didn’t he just buy you a new car this year?”
I nodded.
“Well, would you buy a car for someone you don’t love?”
I looked at her blankly. “What does that have to do with anything?”
Heather burst out laughing. “I wouldn’t even buy a car for someone I do love,” she said, throwing her head back in laughter. “I mean, come on, Beth! You’re being silly!”
But I couldn’t shake the idea that Michael didn’t really love me. As time went on, I tried to ignore those feelings. He was good to me – whenever I needed something, he took care of it immediately and never asked me to pay him back. In fact, the few times I tried, he refused to accept the money. He said it was his priority to treat me right. I wished I could have told him that all the money in the world didn’t matter…I just wanted him to pick me up in his arms and give me a big kiss and tell me that I was the best thing that had ever happened to him.
That wouldn’t happen, though. Michael was too pragmatic. And until we’d gotten together, I’d thought of myself as the same way.
Now it was hard to believe that I was shopping for our honeymoon. I looked at lingerie with Heather for another twenty minutes, finally picking a plain cotton chemise that was sheer at the front. I thought it was sexy, in kind of a classic way, even if Heather called it boring. At least it’s comfortable, I thought. And I won’t feel like a circus performer wearing it.
Heather sighed. “You done shopping?”
I nodded.
“But that’s the only thing you got,” she said, pointing down at the white bag. I cringed. It was labeled ‘Bride’ in fancy, flowing font. I’d asked for the regular bag, but the sales associate had scowled at me and I’d decided that I was too tired to try fighting this obviously useless battle.
“I didn’t want anything else,” I said flatly.
Heather sighed, blowing her bangs sky-high into the air. “You want frozen yogurt?”
I nodded happily. “Always,” I said. “I’m starving.”
“You’re going to need to stop eating everything in sight if you want to fit into your gown,” Heather said with a smirk.
I rolled my eyes. “I haven’t even gotten it in yet,” I said. “I think they could probably let out the seams.”
“Oh my god, you’re getting married like, so soon,” Heather said. “Don’t you care? Aren’t you excited?”
I shrugged. “I think I just have cold feet,” I said softly. “It all seems like it’s happening in a dream, or like someone else is in control of my body and I’m just going through the motions.”
Heather squealed in excitement. “Just wait,” she said, bubbly and happy. “You’re going to be one of the hottest socialites in New York!”
“As if,” I said. I rolled my eyes. “I don’t think I’ll be doing anything like that.”
“But you have to,” Heather protested. “Who’s going to go with Michael to charity dinners? Things like that? How are you going to stay inside when you’re expected everywhere?”
I sighed. “I’ll just hire a proxy,” I said. “I don’t really know what else to do.”
Heather narrowed her eyes. “You’re the strangest bride I ever saw,” she said thoughtfully. “You sure you want this?”
