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I faked my way through making the cookies. There were five kinds, and I used to love the tradition. I’d eat my weight in the treats, washing them down with hot cocoa as I played with my cousins. This year, I stirred and dropped dough on the sheets as Mom and her sisters talked about life. One of them had a job in home health care and the other worked with children through art therapy. They were compassionate women that cared about people, inspiring me to do the same. I wanted to raise my own family with those morals and while Mom was loving on the outside, she let Dad control the family. Where had she failed?
“Are you okay, honey?” My aunt Sophie asked me in a low voice as we washed dishes. I smiled into her kind face with warm brown eyes.
“I’m fine. I think I’m just exhausted from school.” I smiled weakly as she patted my shoulder.
“It will be over soon. Then you can move back here and start working, Rose.” Her words were encouraging as I wondered what she meant. Did Mom just tell her I was going to work with the family? Was my life decided for me that easily?
They stayed for dinner, helping Mom with enchiladas. My brothers had other obligations tonight, so it was just us eating, as well as Dad when he arrived home. I stayed in my seat, picking at the food as I kept my eyes on the table. I was relieved when he kept the conversation about Christmas and the plans for the day. I managed to slip away from the table and go wash my plate before I stepped outside to get some fresh air.
I stood on the back deck and gazed up into the sky. It was cold out here, but I breathed it in deeply. I relished in the feeling, looking towards Sterling’s house. I wanted to walk down to the park again tonight and take him under the trees tonight. I wanted to live my fantasy and allow him to walk me towards the sunset and my dream life. I wanted… I wanted something I would never have. I needed to surrender the fantasy.
I repeated the words to myself later as I was back at the park, under the trees. We were well hidden, and I was staying quiet as Sterling feasted on me, his arms gripping my thighs. I came hard but didn’t make a peep, even when he crawled up my body and slid inside of me. The feeling was so intense and perfect that I wanted to cry out his name. We stayed there together for a short while before sneaking back home. I was just getting into bed when Sterling sent me a text that his dad was still awake. It wasn’t that he was worried about leaving the house, but he didn’t want us to get caught. Sterling was worried about me if this should happen.
I argued that our families didn’t even speak, all through text. My heart plummeted when I took it to mean that he didn’t want to see me during this trip anymore. When Sterling replied that he wanted me to stay safe, I dropped the phone to the floor and curled up under the covers. I knew that I was a hot mess, and I just wanted all of this behind me.
The next several days passed slowly as I made it through the holidays. My house was full of family and cheer, but I faked every smile. Even in my fog, I could see how fake my dad was with everyone. I wondered how nobody could see that. Mom was surrounded by people that loved her, but she’d be back alone here in a matter of hours.
I tried so hard not to think about Sterling. I hated him for what he told me in our late-night texts, but he was constantly on my mind. I kept my phone upstairs to prevent myself from checking it constantly, talking to Violet later at night when everything died down. She was supportive but reminded me that Sterling was never completely into me. Violet wondered if he was seeing someone else during this time away from home.
The idea killed me, but I accepted it. He was at a club that night and left with me. Why wouldn’t he take another woman somewhere for sex? I lied to my parents and told them that I had a project to work on at school. I left before New Year’s Eve, meeting Violet so we could go out and bring it in right. I stood with the crowd at the local bar, buzzed and happy as we all screamed at midnight.
This was going to be a great year. It had to be.
26
Sterling
I went back to school the day after New Year’s Day. I’d gone to the same bar that I met Rosie at, hoping to see her again to bring in the new year. She wasn’t there, so I celebrated with friends. I got sloppy drunk and ended up kissing another woman when the crowd started to scream. I didn’t leave with her, but I knew that we got hot and heavy in a dark part of the bar. I felt like an asshole now as I drove into the crowded parking lot, filled with returning students.
My eyes automatically searched for Rosie’s car. I noticed up parked close to the building, narrowing my eyes at the sight. How long had she been here? We hadn’t talked at all since that last night together at the park. I got out of the car and grabbed my bag, walking back to my dorm. It felt heavy an
d dark inside as I walked in, dropping my bag on the bed. I played back my messages that last night that were sent out of concern, even pulling out my phone to double check them. I read my concern in the words but paid closer attention to her responses. It clicked that she thought I didn’t want her anymore and I let out a low curse. That explained the radio silence for the remainder of the break.
That wasn’t what I was saying at all. I knew that there would be hell to pay if I was caught with her and even worse for her given the same situation. I was just making sure things were good at home and meant to continue things when I got back to campus. I was getting ready to call her when a message came through from one of my buddies. There was a party to celebrate being back on campus tonight at one of the houses in frat row. Did I want to go?
I shot back a quick yes before I dropped onto the bed. I opened the text thread I had going with Rosie, asking if she was in her room.
R: Yeah, I’ve been back for a few days. You?
S: A few days? I just got back. Want to have some coffee?
R: Sure. Let me get dressed and I’ll meet you at the coffee shop on the corner.
S: Happy New Year, Rosie.
I wanted to make it a year that involved her, involved us. We were graduating and adults, despite the fact that our families wanted us to feel dependent on them. I changed into some clean jeans and a university sweatshirt, slipping on my favorite worn Cons before tucking my key into my pocket. I headed downstairs and out of the front door, turning right to head to the coffee shop. I didn’t know what to expect from her since her texts were so neutral, but I was anxious to see her.
The streets were crowded with returning students and I waved at a few that called my name. It was hard to believe that I’d be leaving this campus in a few months without no real idea of where I was going. I didn’t look into law school early because I knew my family might not approve. They already had control of my trust fund until I was thirty and I didn’t work. They had me by the balls and the sad thing was that I allowed it. I saw the coffee shop ahead and walked a bit faster. It had only been a few days since I saw Rosie last, but they were long. After being with her at the park under the cover of darkness, I was fucking addicted. I pushed the door open and walked inside, taking a quick look around.
I frowned when I saw her talking to a tall guy near the end of the counter where you picked up drinks. She was smiling, looking beautiful and I could see that he appreciated that. They laughed together as the barista called her name, sliding a cup across the counter. Rosie grabbed it and said something to the guy before turning to look around. Her eyes met my narrowed ones and Rosie raised an eyebrow at me. She walked towards me, telling me quietly that she was going to grab a table and would wait for me. I knew that look and walked up to order coffee, waiting in the long line. The guy that she was talking to walked out just as I went to order, giving me a long look at him. I recognized him as one of the basketball players though I didn’t know his name.
I got my coffee and moved to join her at the small table in the corner. Rosie was reading something on her phone as she waited, tucking some hair over her shoulder. She glanced up and her eyes were dark on me.
“What was that?” She asked in a low voice as I leaned back to stare at her.
“I was just wondering who he was,” I defended myself as she rolled her eyes. Rosie was full of angst tonight.
“I have a class with him and we were just catching up. Is that okay? I’d be exhausted if I worried that much about every girl that you talked to on campus.” I heard the sarcastic tone in her voice. She frowned and looked down at the steaming cup of liquid for a long moment.
