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I lean back in the over sized comfortable chair and stare up at the ceiling. There are deep patterns in the wallpaper up there which my eyes fix upon. I need something else to focus on other than on her.
“So, I take it this process has been explained to you.” I nod. I don’t fully get it but I have been told enough. “Great, so you’re here to try and retrieve some memories. Luckily, I’m great at that. It’s my expertise.”
I gulp noisily, wondering how many other people have been in the same position as me, desperate to get their memories back. Have they felt as hopeless and empty as I have? Have they been as saddened?
“So, you’ve had success then? People have remembered things by working with you?”
“I’ve had various levels of success, but don’t let that worry you. Each person is individual so their needs are different. What works for one person doesn’t necessarily work for another. It’s all trial and error.”
I resist the urge to roll my eyes, I switch off my brain so I done need to hear anymore. I’m sick of being told that things just might not work out for me and there’s no reason as to why. Just because that’s the way I am. My stupid brain is so fucked up that it doesn’t even want me to get better. I’m stuck in this hell.
It’s warm in here… I think to myself as I lose myself even deeper in the patterns. It’s too warm.
I don’t know what’s happening, but my eyes are becoming heavy, my brain is turning itself off. I try to strain my ears, to listen to what this woman is saying to me, but I can’t seem to do it now. My ears are blocked, there’s something filling them, it makes me want to thrash and scream and yell out for help but I can’t because my body is too heavy. My limbs are now made of lead there isn’t anything I can do to help myself…
But then that all changes. I don’t even know when it happens but I suddenly lose that heavy sensation and I feel lighter than air. I’m floating among the clouds, grasping at memories I’ve seen before but haven’t grabbed onto. They’re fuzzy but within reach and all I want to do is reach out to them. Something is telling me I should.
“Katherine,” I hear myself yell through the space in my brain. “A guy is looking at me.”
I can feel him. I can tell that it’s Logan looking at me. I’m almost swimming in the hazel color of his eyes. It’s lovely, the nicest, warmest sensation in the world… or it is until ice cold splashes over me, shocking me.
“Just be cute… be you. But not too much you, you know?”
I want to laugh at Katherine’s joke. She’s always telling me that my first impressions are shit which is proven over and over again. With the job interview, with Thai, and apparently with Logan. I thought he was the only one that I was actually good with the first time I met someone but it seems like I was wrong. I made the worst impression on him of them all. Why the hell is he still around? And why am I so damn cold?
“I didn’t mean… the train just stopped… it was an accident!”
“An accident? You’ve ruined me.”
A fury burns in my chest as I look at the brown spreading across me. This is supposed to be the first day of the rest of my life and it’s turning out to be just as shitty as all the others. I lash out because I don’t know what else to do. It’s an instinctive reaction, part of my lizard brain.
“I bet you have a comfortable life with a cushy job. I’m sure you can afford the nice food from the supermarket and the wine that isn’t from the bargain bin.”
Guilt flows through me at my words, I know that I’m being a bitch but since I can’t see anything, I’m surrounded by a bright white light and the damn brown stain, I don’t have to feel too bad. Even if I do know Logan now and it’s obvious that didn’t happen on purpose. Why did I even care so much? I knew I didn’t want the job, what was the point in freaking out?
“I’m so mad at you right now. I don’t even know you and you’ve ruined me. To think I just thought you were cute.”
Oh God… that’s so embarrassing. I would blush if I could. But through all of that it’s amazing because I have something to go on. I have a memory. It isn’t much, I can’t really see anything I can j
ust hear and feel it, but it’s enough. It unlocks something and sets it free. Finally, I can feel again.
“I remember,” I mutter. “I remember, I remember him.” There’s more, I know this is only the start of the work but it’s amazing. It seems this method is the one to work for me after all. “I remember Logan!”
25
Logan
“She’s been in there for ages.” My feet pace up and down. I’m fidgety, I can’t sit still, it’s impossible. “I wonder what’s going on. And why couldn’t one of us go in there with her? This is crazy.”
“Dude, sit the fuck down, you are driving me nuts.” Al rubs his forehead. “For the love of God, chill out.”
“How the hell can I chill out when everything is so messed up? This feels like…” I wave my hands helplessly. “It feels like the end, doesn’t it? Like this is the last thing we have on offer, the final choice, you know?”
“Don’t be disheartened, Logan,” Katherine tries to reassure me. “There are still plenty of other things that she can do. The doctor said it’s all about trial and error, that it’s different for everyone. It could be fine.”
My heart sinks as I ignore all kind words. I can’t hear it, I don’t want to go over the same thing. Over and over again. This is endless, it feels like it’s been going on forever. I don’t know how to help more.
“But you never know… this could be the thing, so it really could be fine, you know?”
