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“We haven’t decided,” he snaps back. “Not until we’ve interviewed everyone.”
He knows that, we all do. I just wish he would have the courage to say it. I want him to look me dead in the eye and tell me that I’ve fucked it up so I can carry that weight around with me. But he won’t. I can already see it. He’s as tight lipped and closed off as this whole damn building. Well, I wouldn’t want to work here anyway.
“Right, okay. I’ll just get out of here then,” I reply thickly. “Thank you for your time.”
I can’t even run out of here; the floor is as slippery as the rest of the place. I have to go as dignified as I can manage which irritates me even more. By the time I exit the room all I want to do is scream. I can feel the frustration building in the pit of my stomach, dying to break free. Anxiety darts and dances, I can almost hear laughter bubbling around me. It hurts, I can almost feel it scraping across my skin like a knife. I don’t like the sensation that I’m being judged I’ve never been the sort of person to assume that I’m better than anyone, and I cannot understand why anyone else would think that either. I guess this is all just fate really. I wouldn’t fit in here, I would hate it every single day, so it’s better for me not to be hired. I’ll be okay, I’ll find somewhere to work. Somewhere that I might actually make friends and enjoy my life. This is just a test.
I’m half excited, half nervous to see Katherine, to see what she’ll have to say about it all. I’m sure she won’t be impressed, but I’ll try and explain, I’ll try and make myself out to be in the right even though she won’t believe it. She’ll know that I screwed it up, how can she not? Especially with how wired I am right now.
I can see the outside world as I reach the top of the stairs. It’s there, crying out to me, needing me. I speed up to get there and as I hit the third stair down I realize what a mistake this is. The speed combined with my desperation to escape makes me slip. I stagger, I stumble, and all of a sudden, I’m overcome with a panicky hollow sensation as I slide into an abyss of horror. It’s like I’m in one of those dreams where I’m falling and I can’t seem to stop it. I know I won’t hit the floor I’ll just keep on going and going until I wake up…
Only, I’m not dreaming, this is real and I’m actually falling. I hit hard all the way down, knocking my rag doll body everywhere. It doesn’t hurt, not at first because I’m in shock, I’m flopping and flashing certain unwanted body parts to the whole building where everyone hates me and I don’t fit in. This is my worst nightmare.
Then, I feel one last hit right at the top of my head and I can feel my brain switching off, the world around me turning into a deep dark blackness which encases me entirely. It’s painful, yet blissful because finally, I don’t need to worry anymore. The world is dead to me now.
I’m done.
5
Logan
The world whizzes past just like it does every single day as I stand on the train, suffering through my commute. I’ve taken to standing in the same carriage in exactly the same place every single day just waiting for something to happen. Something that isn’t ever going to happen. I really do need to give it up, it’s stilting me.
I drag my eyes away from the blurry view, darting my gaze around the carria
ge in the same way I do every single day. I’m looking for a shock of red hair or the dark brown hair that belongs to the girl who haunts my dreams every single night. I even wouldn’t mind seeing that angry flash in her stare again. Anything. It’s pathetic.
What the…? My heart jolts. Is that her? Is that actually… no, it can’t be, it just can’t…
I stuff my hands into my pockets and force myself to turn away. My pulse thunders in my ears, my mouth runs completely dry, I’m messy and raw all over. Even though I’ve been waiting for this moment, looking for this woman, it was all hypothetical. I didn’t expect to actually see her. Although… I didn’t see her face. So, maybe it wasn’t her and I’ve just got myself all tied up in knots for no reason. Anything’s possible. I’m going to have to look again to be sure. There’s no way I can base my assumption purely on a glance at the back of her head. Just because I think I know her well, doesn’t make that the truth. I don’t actually know her at all. I met her briefly for a couple of moments during the most stressful interaction I’ve probably ever had. Aside from the break up chat I had with Laura but I don’t ever want to even think about that again. That’s irrelevant here.
It almost destroys me because the nerves get too much, but I eventually manage to drag my eyes up to meet the back of her head again. This time as I look I start to think I might be picturing things. It might not be her at all. In fact, her hair was a little longer, I think, and straighter too. Plus, her clothes were very different.
I almost laugh with relief. What the hell is my problem? It’s been two weeks, obviously she didn’t get the job or I would have seen her already. It’s Friday, no one starts a job on a Friday. I need to calm the hell down and start remembering that I’m never going to see her again. Not even to say sorry. It’s over, done.
I grab out to the nearest pole to keep me upright. Every jolt of the train makes me paranoid now, I just can’t help it. I won’t ever bring a coffee with me again. Or any drink. Even if I’m dehydrated. I’ll just cope until I get off the train like every other person does. I don’t want another missed encounter because of a drink.
But then I feel a funny prickle on the side of my throat, a stare grabbing my attention. I don’t know how but I just know that it’s her. She’s turned and now she’s looking at me… but she’s just a stranger. It’s fine.
Holy shit! I span quickly to get it over and done with rapidly but now I wish that I’d taken my time. I wasn’t expecting to see her again, not now, and I certainly wasn’t prepared for the effect she’d have on me. She’s shaken me all the way to my core, she’s stunned me, knocked me from my feet, churned the world upside down.
It’s her. This time I’m one hundred percent sure. Her face is deeply imprinted in my brain, I know it well. I blink a couple of times, trying to check whether or not I’m dreaming. But nope, I’m awake. For sure.
My heart stops dead, it literally skips about ten beats. I’m pretty sure my knees give way. If I couldn’t feel my feet firmly on the ground I would be pretty sure that I was lying down, collapsed in shock. The weirdest part about it all is the smile on her lips. She isn’t looking at me like she hates me, she’s smiling, happy.
Why is she smiling at me? I feel even weirder. Is this some sort of game? Is she toying with me?
I feel like this is fate giving me another chance. If I ever wanted a time to say sorry then this would be it. I could just step to her, close the gap between us and make things right again. Maybe something will come of it, maybe not, but at least I could get the much needed closure that I never thought would happen. That’s something.
But I can’t get my legs going. I want to. I’m screaming at them to do so but they’re stuck, frozen in place, overcome with fear. It’s as if a whole block of ice surrounds me and I can’t break free. Not only did I screw up my first chance with her, I’m wrecking my second one as well. I’m hopeless, I don’t deserve anything.
I guess I can’t help fearing that she’s just going to snap again and she’ll cuss me out in front of everyone. When I consider how quickly she snapped and how wild she went, it’s easy to picture her going there again. I’d like to think it was just the heat of the moment but she might always be that way. After all, the version I have of her is really only in my mind. It isn’t real at all. This isn’t me being a coward. Well, not just that!
I try to turn away to break the moment while I get my thoughts together, but the powerful magnet keeps us there locked in place. We can’t seem to part no matter how hard we try, this is utterly insane…
Then she breaks the magic of the moment, but not by breaking the eye contact, but by stepping closer to me. Fear balls up in my throat as I realize that while I’m not quite ready to address this, she clearly is. The deep buzzing inside of me grows the closer she gets to me. I can feel everything vibrating violently.
“Hi,” she says much too brightly for my liking. “Do you mind if I come and stand with you? Big day today.”
