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“I haven’t made any decisions. I promise that you will be the first to know. I’m going to go out on a limb and tell you that I’m going to see him again. I think that I need to know if what I felt for him was real or something that was more of a crush. You don’t have to like it, but you need to give me that time to find out. I’m going to do everything in my power to give you the answer that you need before we leave. I wouldn’t even dream of putting you in a position to work with me if things didn’t work out. If that were to happen, I will gladly give you my resignation, so that we don’t have to see each other ever again. It’s obvious to me that you can do this alone, but I will say that working with you has been a learning experience in more ways than one. We do seem to bring the best out of each other and sometimes the worst. It all goes hand in hand.” Now that I had unburdened my soul, I was getting my appetite back. I devoured everything on my plate and found the sauce to be something that I wanted to bring home to cook with.
I turned with one eye to see that the chef was elated that I had finally given his food a raving recommendation. I thought that he was going to rush over to the table and say something. It probably took all of his willpower not to do that, but he left us to finish our meal.
I saw a side of August that I thought that I would never see again. He had polished off that bottle of wine. I was quite impressed that he was able to handle his liquor in that way.
“I know that look and I don’t appreciate it. I need something to keep me from getting down on my hands and knees and grabbing your ankle to never let you go. I won’t stoop to that level for any woman. If you don’t like what you’ve got, then you have every right to change it. I thought that we had something special. I still want to believe that with all of my heart. I don’t want to go back to who I was before. Don’t get me wrong, that man could get any woman to see him as some kind of Lothario. I can put on that face like I’m putting on a pair of pants, but it doesn’t fit right anymore.” I felt bad that I was hurting him. I wanted to soothe away his pain with soft kisses and a moonlight walk, but that would’ve been screwing with his head.
“I never want to make anybody feel that they are in a losing battle. You have more than a chance. I feel deep down that Jones is only here to make me appreciate what I already have. I think that somebody up there wants me to find the closure to put an end to that chapter of my life.” I knew that it sounded like I was purposely giving him false hope. I had this need to tell Jones to step off, but I wasn’t sure what I was going to do when we came face to face. I’d already shown myself to be unreliable by letting him think that he even had a chance.
“We all have to do what we have to do. I will wait for you. I won’t be able to wait for you forever. Going to China was supposed to be that big adventure to strengthen our relationship. I will hold out that will still happen until the very day that you tell me that I’m not the one for you. I can’t see that happening, but I need to prepare myself for the worst-case scenario.” He ordered another bottle of wine and then we left there with him holding it like some sort of rummy.
“The only thing that is missing is the brown paper bag.” I was only teasing, but it was way too early to poke fun.
“I’m going to go home and cry in my beer. I’m not literally going to cry, but I get this feeling that I’m not going to feel much of anything in the morning. You might find that I’m a little late to the office. I’m sure that you can handle things on your own until I come in later in the afternoon. It’s a little too hard to be around you when I feel you slipping away. You don’t show me the same fire in your eyes. There’s still something there, but it’s not as strong or undeniable as it was.” He flagged down a taxi and there was no way that he was going to be able to drive in his condition.
I looked down at my watch and I knew that Jones was most likely waiting for me. I had arranged for both of us to sit down in a quiet setting where nobody was going to interrupt. I needed to grill him mercilessly on his intentions and why after all this time that he decided to come here. There had to be a reason and I didn’t buy for a second that it was because a relationship had gone sour.
“I’m not even going to ask you what you are going to do with the rest of your evening. I get the feeling that I already know and that’s the reason why I’m probably going to have this bottle of wine half done before I even get back to my building.” I felt like I had to reach out to him but for the time being, I had to let him go.
I put my hand on the window to the taxi and he placed one finger against mine through the glass. He was shaking his head back and forth in obvious disbelief that he had gotten involved with a woman that had another to fall back on.
I needed this time to clear my head and to come up with the right words that I was going to say to Jones. That man had always had the ability to make me feel like I was somebody else. He could lift me out of any depression with a whisper in my ear. There were a lot of other things that he could get me to do.
I stood in front of the coffee shop and he was right there nursing a cappuccino. I got a little closer to the window and I was appalled by what he was looking at on his phone. Those were photos that he had said that he had deleted. We got a little silly one night and I showed a bit more skin than I was meaning to at such an impressionable age. He was playing photographer for some high-priced magazine and I was his subject. I was aghast to learn that he was keeping them for posterity.
I had my hand up to my mouth in shock. They were very intimate poses that were not unlike what you would see in penthouse. I should’ve known that he was never going to delete the last and final reminder of our time together. It did make me feel a little better. It was sick, but keeping those photos showed that I wasn’t out of his heart or his life.
I didn’t know if I should confront him about the photos. I didn’t like the idea that he could show them to anybody and that was precisely the reason why I had asked him to delete them. He was reluctant and told me that he was only going to use them for inspiration. I knew exactly what he meant by that and it was kind of gratifying to know that I was the fuel for the fire. It seemed unlikely that he wouldn’t share that bit of history with some of his so-called friends.
I had to take a few minutes to compose myself and make myself less angry by this latest betrayal. He was always saying one thing and doing another. I thought that little boy mentality was erased, but it was raising its ugly head yet again.
I stepped into the coffee shop and he immediately shut things down with this guilty expression on his face. He never was able to hide things from me, but that didn’t stop me from loving him. I’m not even sure that I knew what love was back then. He did say those three little words. There was no real conviction behind them to indicate that he truly believed that he was in the presence of the one that was going to make him happy for the rest of his life. I was dreaming to think that I had him wrapped around my little finger.
“I could have thought of something better for us to do than sit here and drink coffee all night. Do you remember the massage that I gave you out of the blue? I can see from the way that you are looking at me and the way that your face has flushed with embarrassment that you do remember. I remember vividly the way that my hands felt on your skin as I glided them over with that warm oil between my fingertips. I remember the way that you made that sound that always got to me.” I had the tendency to giggle like a schoolgirl when I got overly excited. I had tried to suppress that when I was with August, but I knew that deep down that it was goin
g to come out eventually.
I went to retrieve a cup of coffee that was black with no sweeteners or cream. I needed that jolt of caffeine to keep me alert. I had to prevent myself from falling for his bull shit.
“I remember a lot of things about back then. I seem to recall that you had eyes for another before I even met you. I knew all about you, but I never thought that you would give me the time of day. It was only when I found that note in my locker that I found out that you were harboring a crush on me. I thought that you were joking and that it was some way to make me look like a fool in front of all of your classmates.” I remembered the old truck and the way that we had steamed up the windows to keep warm.
“What can I tell you, I know what I like and that body is a sinful work of art that needs to be appreciated by the right man. I could certainly use that body as a canvas for some of my unique paintings. I never did think that I had an artistic side. I needed some way to get out of my head before a big game and my coach turned me on to painting. I’m a bit more impressionist and I like certain colors that go together. Your skin tone is perfect for my breast…brush stroke. Would you consider posing for me?” I wasn’t sure that he was saying this to get me naked or if he was being genuine and sincere with his offer. I’d always wondered what it would be like to be with someone with an artistic flair. I could tell even back then that there were hidden layers to the man.
“You know my answer. I only came here to set things straight. I gave you the impression last night that you had a chance. I’m just not sure that it’s true. I don’t mean to be flippant about your feelings, but I’m not sure that you really came here to see me for the right reason. I don’t want to go pulling at that thread, but I think that I have to for my own sanity.” He tried to reach for me and that was always his way of making me lose my train of thought.
“I don’t know why it’s so hard for you to believe that I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I even have the photos to remind me. Before you say anything, I couldn’t delete them not when you made such a pretty picture. I can’t say that I haven’t shown them to others. I will say that their comments were favorable. I wanted them to see you as I did. I wanted them to see you like none of my friends could. Men are ready to accept women with your unique body type. I thought that I was the minority, but I think that you found out guys like a little bit more meat on the bone.” I was stunned that he even told me about the photos. I thought that I was going to have to pry that bit of information out of him the hard way.
“I don’t like that you have shown them to anybody. It embarrasses me that those photos are even out there. If you were any man at all, you would do me the honor of deleting them in front of me. I don’t think that you can…” I didn’t get a chance to finish the thought as he turned the phone and began to delete one photo after the other.
“I don’t need them when I have the real thing right in front of me. They were a pale comparison to the real thing. They were a reminder of something that I left behind and should’ve gone back for to retrieve a long time ago. I don’t know how many times I actually picked up the phone and was ready to call you. They were mostly during drunken binges, but they say that true feelings emerge when you let your inhibitions fall away. I did call you one time. I heard you talking on the other end of the line, but I couldn’t say anything.” I remembered a call that was anonymous with somebody heavy breathing a couple of years ago. I knew that there was something oddly familiar about the heavy breathing.
“I thought that was some teenage prank or maybe somebody that was stalking me. You scared me and I don’t think that somebody that claims to love me would do that.” We finished our coffee and we took a long walk with the lights of the city lulling me into a false sense of security.
“I didn’t even know that I was going to find you. I had to call around to make sure that you didn’t slip through my fingers again. I was never the romantic type guy. I didn’t go into candlelight and long walks on the beach. I showed you my affection with actions instead of words. I don’t think that your parents’ bed is ever going to be the same again. We really did work out those springs. I’ve never met a woman that enjoyed it as much as you did. You know what I have. There’s no reason why we can’t revisit the past. I can show you what you have been missing with no strings attached.” It was tempting and I did see the snake trying to escape its cage.
“I don’t think that’s appropriate under the circumstances. I do find myself curious to know if my recollection is exactly as I remember it.” He turned suddenly and pushed me up against an alley wall. He moved in with his lips very near to touching mine. I could smell the scent of the man and it brought me back to a time that I thought that I was the happiest that I could ever be.
“It’s not like I’m going to tell anybody. Go ahead and see if you can resist once you get a load of me. Are you that afraid to find out?” He was making a valid point and one that I was desperate to disprove.
