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Chapter 14:
Johnathan
Watching her hobble away from me, trying not to look as though she was in pain was one of the hardest things I had ever done.
The fact that I had also done it to myself didn’t help my guilt, but I was far too prideful to stop her.
Now, it was me, with my back stiffened and my posture tight, wishing I could go with her, but forcing myself to fight the urge.
I stared after her until she had nearly disappeared through the thicket.
I ground my teeth in anger and shook my head, calling Jake back immediately after he attempted to follow her when she disappeared.
“She doesn’t want us,” I insisted, knowing that I was only lumping myself in with Jake because I knew I couldn’t face the truth that I had completely driven her away. I was given multiple opportunities where I could’ve done things differently, but I always fell short.
So, instead of owning up to my mistakes, I stubbornly turned back toward the cabin. After all, I told myself, if she wants to try her luck in the mountains by herself, that’s her prerogative. I tried to convince myself that she should find the ranger’s station soon and then I won’t matter to her anymore, though I didn’t completely believe it. I figured eventually, I would be able to convince myself that this was for the best and I could get back to my life of solitude.
Yet, after walking a few paces in the direction of the cabin, Jake stopped abruptly and whined, as though he just realized where I was leading him.
“What?” I moaned, not wanting to have to handle a pigheaded dog in addition to all this other sit.
Nevertheless, Jake positioned himself stubbornly between the cabin and the direction that Carrie had taken.
“No,” I insisted, snapping my fingers, and motioning back toward the cabin, “Let’s go home.”
Jake didn’t move.
“Come, Jake!” I commanded, this time with a much more authoritative tone.
Jake whined and grumbled, stomping his feet as though he was a child having a temper tantrum, before whipping his head in Carrie’s direction.
“No. Come!” I yelled, which yielded the same result.
I groaned, now angry by his insubordination.
“The second she finds that station and makes it back to civilization, we’re both in her rear-view. I hate to break it to you, buddy, but her loyalty is like every other woman…Worthless,” I hissed angrily, though he is trying to convince himself of this, more than the dog.
Jake snorted impatiently.
“Okay, fine. We’ll stay here. You want to test me? Good. Great,” I retorted in a belligerent fashion, plopping down on the ground, trying to give Jake the impression that we were at an impasse and I wasn’t going to budge.
Jake lay down on the ground and whined staring at me with his huge, deep brown eyes.
“Don’t give me that look,” I hissed, “You’re being a jerk dog. Jerk dogs don’t get to look like that.”
The two of us stayed there, glaring at one another for a long while. Every time I tried to speak, Jake would moan and snort, generally having a tantrum.
A few times, I contemplated leaving his ass, but I didn’t because I knew he was right.
I shouldn’t have let her go out alone and every time he made a scene, I was reminded of how much of an asshole I was being.
As we were sitting there, I couldn’t help but be reminded of literally every bad thing that could happen to her while she was out there alone, and no one would ever know.
You know, if something does happen to her, it’s your fault. I thought at one time, with Jake’s piercing gaze only solidifying the thought.
What if the guide finds her, wandering all alone? Goddammit… I thought, as rage swelled inside of me, knowing again that it would be my fault for letting her go out all alone.
“She wanted me to leave her alone. She didn’t want me, and I don’t blame her,” I grumbled to Jake, “I was an ass. I wouldn’t even say those things to you and you don’t even understand me. Let’s face it, you wouldn’t want me going after you either if I acted like that.”
