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Am I going to want to visit her? I thought. Am I going to yearn for her, like I do now? I contemplated, even though I knew it was best for me to stay away.
I also wondered if knowing that I was still capable of these feelings would change the way I felt about everyone else. Do I want to return to live a normal life? Should I try to move on, or would I just be setting myself up for failure?
Really, though, what do you have to lose? I thought, this time growing slightly annoyed. I roughly turned on my side, so that the fire, and the small outline of Carrie across the campsite was at my back. I didn’t want to look at her, because I didn’t want to be drawn in by her charm.
Why the hell does this woman make me want to be back in the society that I had completely, successfully disowned? I wondered, shutting my eyes tightly and grinding my teeth with aggravation.
Even though I thought about all of this for far too long, I was even more frustrated by the fact that I never was able to come up with an answer. I still couldn’t understand why this woman was so special to me, when I really didn’t know her much at all.
It was almost as though I was put under a spell that I both loved and hated. Perhaps it was what I needed, but maybe it was going to be the death of me.
I supposed that only time would tell, since I clearly wasn’t able to figure it out for myself.
For a long time, I tossed and turned, annoyed by the glow of the fire and the hardness of the ground, but kept awake by the racing of my thoughts.
However, eventually, I was finally able to fall asleep, thankfully allowing me to escape my thoughts and fall dreamlessly into a deep, encompassing slumber.
Chapter 17:
Carrie
The following morning, I awoke, feeling eyes on me.
I tried to ignore it and turn over, but I continued to feel the eyes piercing into the back of my head.
Eventually, the feeling became too much. I groaned and rolled over. Johnathan was sitting there, staring at me, possibly watching me sleep. I wasn’t sure how I should feel about this, though I couldn’t help an initial sense of comfort flow over me.
While I was still curious as to why he was staring at me, I was pleased that he was there.
I started to grin at him but then, I remembered everything that transpired.
I narrowed my eyes and started to get up.
“Whoa, be careful. What are you doing?” He insisted.
“I’m sure you want to get a move on, so let’s go. The sooner we get to the ranger’s station, the sooner you can get me out of your hair.”
At first, Johnathan didn’t answer me, and I wasn’t sure why. After all, the night before, he had made it crystal clear that he was going whether I was ready to go or not. So, I was simply trying to comply, knowing that the sooner we were able to get going, the sooner I could return to civilization and put this whole experience behind me.
Still, it appeared he was searching through the insults I had flung at him to figure out an appropriate way to respond.
He wasn’t usually so careful with his words, so I was curious about what made him be so cautious now.
“Okay, so, I’m not good at this anyway, but you just made it a little harder. Thank you, very much. You seem to have a talent for that,” he hissed, but didn’t give me time to rebuke before he replied, “I’m trying to say, I’m sorry. You were right. I was out of line and I didn’t mean what I said. I was reacting to what you were telling me. I was angry that you had figured me out so easily, and because you were showing me a part of myself that I don’t like. I thought a lot about this last night and I figured that the decent thing to do would be to tell you the truth. If this is going to be the last time we see each other, I don’t want you to remember me as a total asshole.”
“And why is that?”
“Because I…Work really hard at being the right…a specific…You know what, never mind. Any way I say that is going to sound awful,” he insisted and this time, he let out a small chuckle that I believed might actually be genuine.
I grinned back at him, pleased that he was finally opening up to me. I was so excited, that the anger I felt dissipated completely.
“It’s okay. I forgive you…and I am sorry for giving you the truth in such a hurtful manner,” I answered in a slightly teasing voice.
“Well, that was probably the worst apology I’ve ever heard,” he answered, but continued to keep a small grin curled in the corner of his mouth, which made my heart flutter.
I giggled, “No, but seriously, I am sorry if I hurt you. That wasn’t my intention.”
“Yeah, I know,” he insisted, folding his hands together in a manner that made me feel as though he had more that he wanted to get off his chest.
