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Although, after contemplating everything that had happened the night before and how good it felt to talk to someone about my life, I knew it was going to be even harder to let her go.
I ground my teeth, my jaw locking, as I tried to fight the urge to go back on my word. I had told her that I would try, and I owed her that; especially after everything she had put up with from me. I knew it wouldn’t be fair to revert to my old ways, but I was finding it difficult to press forward. Every time I thought about keeping my word to Carrie, genuinely trying to keep it all together, I would feel an empty, sinking feeling in my gut and I wasn’t sure I could go through with it. I wanted to, God I wanted to. I felt that if I could only break this cycle of guilt and distrust, I would be open to a host of different possibilities but as much as I tried, as much as I wanted to let go of the past, it continued to haunt me.
Thoughts of what could happen assaulted my mind.
Talking to Carrie about my past had helped me in one respect, being able to get it off my chest. Having someone who was willing to listen, who didn’t have another bombshell to drop on me, was something I hadn’t experienced before. Every other time I had attempted to relay the story, another piece of information was revealed, that plagued me. At best, I was fighting to keep my freedom, after learning of another bombshell the woman I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with had dropped on my life. So, having the conversation end the way it did, with sex that didn’t end with me getting stabbed at the back, was nice.
However, it had dredged up a lot of feelings. It had reminded me of unpleasant situations that I hadn’t wanted to think about in a very long time.
Flashbacks of being arrested, being drug out of the bar, without having any idea what was going on, was now fresh in my mind. Granted, the enormity of the situation was partially due to shock and partially due to intoxication, but that didn’t change the memory. It was still a pretty shitty thing to have happened and I never wanted to be in a similar situation ever again.
Without Carrie in my life, I could almost guarantee that I was never going to have to deal with anyone ever again, which meant my trust wasn’t going to be tested. I would never have to worry about what she was doing, or what she was planning.
However, without her, I also would likely never be happy.
I had a feeling that if I didn’t try to invest my trust in Carrie, I likely wouldn’t ever trust anyone and therefore, I would never give myself a reason to be happy.
After all, Carrie was right. I hated living out in the cabin all by myself. It was lonely and dark. It drove me crazy at times and I wasn’t sure how much longer I would be able to take it.
However, even with everything I had convincing me that there was something better, something to fight for, for the first time in a while, I still couldn’t bring myself to take that leap.
Before I knew it, I was reverting to my old ways. I hated it, but I also couldn’t stop myself. For my own sense of sanity, I felt that this was what I needed to do.
Hastily, I untangled myself from Carrie’s grasp and as she stirred, I told her, “Come on, Carrie. It’s time to get up. We have to go now if you want to make it back to civilization before dark.”
“Umm…Okay…” Carrie replied, rubbing her eyes, and trying to ward off the sleep that plagued her. She seemed confused, but I wasn’t in the mood to deal with her confusion. I simply wanted to get the hell out of there as quickly as I possibly could.
I
had made my decision and I wanted to act on it before I lost my nerve.
“Johnathan, can we maybe talk about this for a minute…Is there something wrong?”
“There’s nothing to talk about. There’s nothing wrong. I just want to get you to the ranger’s station before dark. It’s simple survival.”
Instantly, Carrie’s eyes narrowed, and she seemed upset with what I was telling her.
“Why do I get the feeling that you’re trying to get rid of me?” She asked, getting to her feet as she glared at me.
“Uh, honestly? Because I am,” I replied, knowing that I was being an ass again, but I tried not to care.
“At least you’re being honest…” Carrie answered in a small, sad voice.
Strangely, she didn’t seem angry anymore. She simply seemed sad and disappointed. I would’ve preferred that she was angry.
At least if she was angry, I could defend what I was doing.
“Listen, Carrie, it’s nothing personal,” I insisted, trying to get her to answer me.
“Oh, I know,” she replied as she gathered up her things and turned her back to me. “It never is. It’s all about you and your need to be a stoic loner.
“It has to be this way…” I insisted, following after her, “I’m not trying to hurt you, Carrie…”
“I know. It’s okay,” she replied, without turning around.
Her complacency bothered me. So, I ran up to her and placed my hand lightly on her shoulder. She shrugged it off, “It’s fine.”
“Listen, Carrie, I want you to understand.”
