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Yet, eventually, he turned away, unable to even look me in the eyes.
“I can’t do it,” he grumbled, “I’m sorry.” Turning back to me, I could tell that this was difficult for him too, but at that point, I was so angry, I didn’t care. “I’ll go to the station, with you, and help you get acclimated but then, I’m going home…and so are you. It’s better that way,” he insisted, but by now, I couldn’t even pretend to be understanding toward him.
“I was wrong to take what I said back earlier. You really are a coward,” I snapped, “I just poured my heart and soul out to you and you just dismiss it? I just told you I was in love with you and you don’t even acknowledge it?”
“Carrie,” he started, walking toward me gingerly, but I backed away.
“No. I don’t want to hear it. Johnathan, I while will never forget you for saving my life, and guiding me back to safety, but I also will never forgive you for not even giving me the decency of the benefit of doubt.”
“Carrie, please…” Johnathan insisted, throwing out his hand, in an effort to get me to take it, but I pushed it away from me.
“No. You had your shot. You had a million chances. You have made your decision and I’m done trying to get you to see it my way.”
With that, I turned and walked away from him, for what I imagined this time, would be for good.
Chapter 20:
Johnathan
I felt my heart drop. Again, I had known I screwed up. I watched her walk away from me, with her face, streaked with tears, but this time, I wasn’t going to let her get too far.
Since I had made my commitment to her, I wasn’t about to go back on my word. I was going to be genuine in my efforts. I wasn’t going to leave her side until I was sure she was safe.
However, as I started to walk, she quickened her pace, as though she was actively trying to get away from me.
I looked over to Jake, who was sitting between us, giving his usual look of sheer disapproval.
“Yeah, yeah…I know…” I hissed as I passed him, “But you don’t need to shame me into it this time.” I took a few more paces toward her before calling out to her.
She didn’t acknowledge me.
“Please, Carrie, let me at least walk with you. I want to make sure you are safe…”
I tried to quicken my pace again but was sure by her actions that she was trying to stay ahead of me.
While I wasn’t about to leave her, I didn’t want to risk her getting hurt by trying to get away from me. So, I slowed down and kept my distance.
“Fine! I’m just going to stay behind you, then. You can’t do anything about that. I told you I was going to see this through and that’s what I’m going to do.”
Silence was the only response, followed by Jake’s groan as he ran ahead to walk between us.
I wasn’t sure if he did this in an effort to be a link between the two of us, or if he was simply trying to ensure he could watch us both, even when we weren’t together.
However, I knew from the way he was acting toward both of us now, that he wasn’t going to be happy when Carrie and I said goodbye.
I sighed, grumbling with frustration at her stubbornness.
“You know, it seems like I’m being inconsiderate but I’m not. I’m thinking of you too, Carrie. I don’t want to be a burden on you. I don’t want to become someone you wish you’d never met. If you ended up resenting me, for whatever reason, that would be worse than if you left me,” I called, trying to be completely honest with her, even though I wasn’t even sure she could hear me now, considering the distance she had put between us.
“You can’t promise me forever, but I’m afraid that you’ll try, and it’ll make you miserable. If we were together, I would want to help you, bring you up, make you better for knowing me…The kind of things you make me believe about myself, when I think of us together…”
At this, I could’ve sworn I saw her stop and almost turn around, but the moment ended with a shake of her head as she pursued her goal, leaving me to once again, wonder if she had even heard me.
“Carrie, please, come back. I want to talk…I don’t want you to leave angry. I want you to understand, that I am not right for you. I don’t want to try because I can’t be the man you deserve. Despite what you think, I am broken.” I grumbled, stopping to look down at the ground, ashamed of what I had become, “That bitch took everything from me. Not only did she make me distrust everyone, she also made me doubt my ability to be a good partner…A good anything. How can I try to support you, be your lover and your partner, if I can’t even be confident that I am worth the trouble?”
I looked up, to see if anything I had said resonated with her, but if it did, she gave me no indication.
Frustrated, I quickened my pace, seeing that we were running out of time, with the ranger station only a few hundred feet away.
