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“Then, you found me,” I added, feeling terrible and wishing that I could hold her.
“Don’t worry, I’m not rebounding or anything. I actually haven’t thought about him much at all…And you’re nothing like him, besides you know your way around the woods.”
“And, I can be an asshole?”
“Yes, but at least you admit it,” she answered in somewhat of a teasing tone and I wondered if maybe, somewhere deep inside, she had forgiven me, even a little bit.
“Yeah, well, there’s no point in trying to deny it,” I replied, stepping closer to her, and hoping that my next question was something she could even answer. “So, with everything that happened, after everything that happened, how can you even think about dating, or trusting anyone ever again?”
“It took a while, but his death didn’t affect me in that way. I only wanted to be there to support him, so that he might have lived. I didn’t want to date him, ever again. I took a long time to find myself. I had a good support system…and school helped. It gave me a goal besides marriage and kids. It distracted me, so that I could have fun. Now, I’m sure if that didn’t destroy me, and I survived him killing himself, which was a fear I lived with every day at the end of our relationship, I could figure out a way to make it through pretty much anything. I couldn’t stop my life at twenty-three and even now, I can’t stop my life for anyone. I need to do what I want to do, with the people I want to do it with. I tend to be blunt, but that’s only because I spent so much of my life not saying what I wanted to say, for fear of angering someone. Now, while I don’t mean any harm, I say what’s on my mind. If you don’t like it, too bad.”
I grinned at her, feeling an overwhelming sensation of attraction.
“Hey, Cassie, would you mind if I walked closer with you, down to the ranger’s station?”
She paused for a moment, glancing at the building, that now wasn’t too far away, before looking back at me and putting out her hand.
“Thank you, Johnathan, I would be honored.”
Chapter 21
Carrie
While it had felt good to tell Johnathan my story, as we walked toward the ranger’s station, I was reminded that he might leave.
Yet, the conversation I had with him had also reminded me that if he did, that was okay.
As angry as I was with him before, after sharing my own secret with him, I felt it was silly to continue in anger.
After all, the last thing that I had learned from my ex’s death is that no matter how far you try to put someone behind you, if they meant enough to you, one moment and one instant could bring them right back to the forefront of my mind.
I didn’t want my ex back, but there was a part of me that genuinely blamed myself for his death.
There were a million ways that I thought I could’ve been better to him, helped him more and stayed by his side, though I knew that wasn’t a possibility.
Deep down, I knew there was nothing that I could do. If I had still been with him, I might have been the one who found him, and I would just be starting my journey of self-discovery; that is if he hadn’t dragged me down with me.
While I would’ve liked to think that he wouldn’t have hurt me, really hurt me, I got away from him because he scared me. I remembered at the time, having the thought that if I stayed with him, I could die and that was ultimately what made me leave.
So, if I had stayed, logically, I knew there was a much better chance of him killing me, before taking his own life, then there was of me saving him; though I would never admit it.
Although, being reminded of all this, being brought back there, while explaining what happened to Johnathan had given me the presence of mind to live for the moment. Be in the moment.
When my ex died, I was still angry with him and he knew it. The last thing I had told him was that he was dead to me, when he reached out a
couple years before. I was in a bad place, but that wasn’t why I had said it. I had said it so that he would get the hint that the relationship, and any hope of us ever getting back together was gone.
Ultimately, I had said it out of spite and although that was something I was to guilty to ever say to anyone else, that had stuck with me.
I had thought about calling him to apologize, or writing him a letter, but ultimately, I had always thought better of it. I didn’t want him to think that there might be a way for him to wriggle his way back into my heart again and for that, I didn’t regret.
I had more self-respect than that. Yet, I did wish that there was a way I could tell him that I hadn’t meant what I said and that the part of him that I fell in love with, would always remain in my heart.
Therefore, the conversation I had about him with Johnathan reminded me not to make the same mistake; especially to a man who hadn’t hurt me near as bad as my ex had.
If I was going to part ways with him, I wanted to part ways on good terms, with no regrets, and an open invitation, if he ever felt like he could try to assimilate back into society, even if it was for only a day or so.
The conversation I had with Johnathan had also reminded me that these things take time. It had taken mem a long time to be okay with myself, after breaking up with my ex. It was nearly a year before I even wanted to go back to the same places that he frequented, in fear that I would see him, or someone we used to know.
