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“I’m sorry that happened to you. It sounds like you did an amazing thing, surviving like that. And at only ten years old.”
“I had no other choice.”
“There’s always a choice. You could’ve rolled over and died with everyone else, but you didn’t. And I’m glad you chose life.”
I smiled tightly and blinked away tears. I chose life, yes, I chose life, but only to a degree. Only for myself.
For someone else, I chose death.
I felt a sudden pang of sorrow and squeezed my eyes shut. “Let’s change the subject, okay? Did Cap and Mal leave for their honeymoon?”
Carmine watched me carefully, but he nodded. “It took a lot of convincing and they cut their trip short from ten days to five. But they’re on my plane as we speak.”
“Good, I’m glad.”
“Mal wanted to start hunting right away.”
“He’s a scary man, isn’t it?”
“Terrifying. Cezary has no clue what he unleashed on himself.”
“I feel bad for them. Their wedding was wrecked by violence. It’s a terrible thing to start out that way.”
He squeezed my hand. “I’m angry, Jules,” he said and I heard the undercurrent of rage. It was like a river, deep and wide and endless. “Cap and Mal are the only two people in this world I love and trust, and those bastards ruined a day that was supposed to be special for them.”
“They’ll get their real wedding still, right? The one in the Bahamas?”
He nodded and released my hand. “But it doesn’t matter. Their marriage will always have that memory, and I’m going to help Mal kill each and every one of those animals.”
He opened his door and got out.
I followed. My body buzzed with excitement, and I took a few limping steps toward the sidewalk. Carmine caught up with me and offered his arm. I hesitated, but took it, and leaned against him as we walked. He was so big and looked so out of place among the college students. He looked like a full-grown adult surrounded by toddlers.
“You don’t have to walk me the whole way, you know.”
“I know that, but I want to. I never went to college, you know.”
“Really? You seem educated.”
“My father had men that taught me things, but I doubt it’s the sort of stuff you’d find in a classroom.”
I smiled to myself. “I learned from my father’s men too. But I also decided I wanted more for myself.”
“Is that why you’re here?”
I nodded. “I want to be a doctor. I want to be able to help people.”
Carmine tilted his head, studying me, and I blushed under his gaze. I sounded like a little kid, like a child just learning about the world, but it was the truth. I needed to be strong, and doctors were the strongest people I knew. Medicine, healing people, that was my future and I couldn’t let anything get in my way.
“Is it because you couldn’t help people back when you were a little girl?”
My mouth opened. I blinked rapidly and pulled away, but he held on tight and wouldn’t let me go.
“Why would you say that?”
“Because I think it’s true. You chose to be a doctor because you couldn’t save their lives. I’m right, aren’t I?”
“Yes, you are, but you’re not supposed to say something like that out loud.” I hit his arm, but still held on. My leg hurt and it was nice to have him so close, despite the stares I was getting from the other nearby girls. Jealous of me, or maybe just curious, I couldn’t tell and didn’t care.
“I’ve always been good at finding out what motivates people. My father said it was the most important skill any man that wanted to lead a mafia family needed to cultivate. You’re motivated by your past, and you want control of your future. Becoming a doctor is one way to do that.”
He nailed it—but not perfectly. Going on the story I told him, he’d be absolutely right.
But there was more to it. More to wanting to be a doctor. It wasn’t entirely about control.
It was about atonement for my sins.
How many lives did it take to balance out a single death?
How many people did I need to save to make up for the one I killed?
A hundred, a thousand?
I didn’t know, and it didn’t matter. I’d try, either way.
We reached the sciences building and I stopped him before we got to the doors. “Thanks for bringing me today,” I said, slipping my hand away from him.
He nodded and let me go. “I’ll pick you up later.”
“You don’t have to.”
“I want to.” He stared at me with that intense gaze and a shiver ran down my spine.
I nodded slightly. “Then I’ll see you later.” I turned to go.
He caught my wrist and leaned closer. His lips brushed my cheek. “You still owe me a dance,” he whispered.
