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Paula laughs. “You don’t feel like going into the details then?”
“You’re insatiable,” I murmur.
“So, you walked his dog, and then…”
“We went back to his place to watch a movie. We kissed some more, but he didn’t want to do anything else, anything intimate.”
“Why?”
My heart hammers at the thought. “Because he goes wild, Paula. He goes really wild. I never thought I could make a man behave that way. I think he wants to wait until we can go all the way.”
“What do you want?” she asks.
“I want the same,” I tell her, unable to hide the passion in my voice. “But I’ve never done it before. I’ve never done anything even close. What if I don’t do it right?”
Paula grins. “Babe, you just told me you drive him wild. You won’t have to do anything other than be there, be naked, and be yourself. I promise you that.”
“But what if…”
I swallow.
“What is it?” she asks.
I glance at the clock, seeing I still have ten minutes left on my break. I wonder if it’s enough to explain everything. Paula still doesn’t know how I really feel about Asher. She knows I’ve got a crush on him and that I want to be with him, but that’s all.
“Autumn?”
I swallow, letting out a shaky sigh. “I need to explain something to you. And be warned, okay, this is going to sound pretty freaking insane…”
“Okay,” she says, a note of speculation in her voice.
After taking a deep breath, I let it all out there. I tell her how, from the moment I saw him three years ago, my mind has been filled with the future we could share. I tell her about the feeling deep inside of me, as though some primal force is telling me to be with him.
I tell her about my desire to share a family with him – that I knew I wanted a family with him the second I saw him – and that I can’t stop thinking about it.
“Told you it sounded crazy,” I murmur after a pause.
Paula does a bad job of masking her disbelief. She gapes at me, her mouth wide open. “Yeah, it does. Just a little. Well, more than a little. You felt like that the second you saw him?”
“Yeah.” I laugh drily. “I can’t explain it. But I do know something for sure. I should never tell him any of this, right? It’s crazy enough that we’re boyfriend and girlfriend so fast. If I start telling him how I want to be together forever, and well… what would he do?”
“I don’t know,” Paula whispers, staring at me like I’ve grown several heads. “I can’t believe you feel this way. It’s just… Are you certain?”
“Yes,” I say, firm on my answer. “I think part of the reason I even got with Declan was to, I don’t know, try and get Asher out of my head. But I’m sure, Paula. I want this man. I need this man. But I can’t tell him.”
“Maybe you should,” Paula murmurs.
“What?”
She shrugs. “It’s going to come out eventually, isn’t it?”
“Not necessarily,” I say. “Maybe he never has to know I felt this way in the beginning. I can tell him when we’re already married and have kids. I’ll say I always knew he was the one for me. People say stuff like that all the time. There’s no reason to freak him out. I don’t want to ruin what we have.”
“I get it,” she says. “I understand. But do you think you can keep it a secret?”
I bite down. In typical Paula fashion, she’s just leapt on the most pressing issue.
“I’m not sure,” I admit. “When we were watching the movie last night, I was so close to telling him. It was like the words were trying to work their way out of me or something. It’s difficult to explain.”
“It’s your choice,” Paula says. “And come to think of it, maybe telling him isn’t the best idea. I haven’t seen you this happy in a long time. I’d hate for anything to ruin that.”
“Exactly.”
“But by not telling him, you might be missing out.”
“On what?”
“What if he feels the same?” she says. “Maybe you tell him and it turns out he wants all this stuff too, a life together, a future.”
I laugh reflexively but it comes out harsh. “Do you really think there’s a chance Asher fell for me the first time he saw me, the same way I did for him?”
“Maybe. I mean I didn’t think you were capable of falling for somebody so fast, so why not him too?”
“Why do you say that?”
“Well, not just you. Anyone. I’ve heard of love at first sight, but I never knew it existed.”
“Who said I love him?”
Paula gives me a look and I bow my head. She’s always able to see through me so easily.
