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“No,” I say, shaking my head. “I hate the idea of lying to her. I’ve already misled her about the apartment. She thinks it’s my second place, that I was going to sell it and that’s how she’s able to stay there. And now I’m not telling her how I feel. It makes me feel so shitty, man. But I’m terrified. That’s the truth. I’m scared right down to my bones about this.”
“I get that.” He nods. “You don’t want to lose her.”
“I can’t lose her.”
“So…”
I sigh, leaning back and clenching my fists against my legs.
“I’ve got to say,” Lex murmurs, “it’s weird to see you like this. You’re normally so decisive. I’ve never known you to hesitate. You pick a target and go after it.”
“I know. But this isn’t a regular situation. Autumn is so much more important than anything I’ve ever done before. She matters to me so much more. I can’t risk pushing her away.”
“But when the time comes…”
I glance at him sharply. He’s talking about when Autumn and I finally have sex. I know he means it in an innocent way, but the reference – even if it’s a hazy one – has my heart thumping as though trying to throttle me.
I can’t stand the idea of another man thinking of Autumn that way.
But from Lex’s expression, I can tell he didn’t mean anything by it.
“I’m going to tell her before we go any further in that regard,” I say, purposefully using vague language. “But even if it’s selfish, I want to enjoy our date first.”
“I understand. I’m still happy for you, by the way, even if I’m used to you being a grumpy bastard.”
I chuckle. “Who said I’m not still one?”
“Oh, just everything about you. It’s like you’ve been reborn.”
I laugh harder, raising my hands. “Okay, that’s enough of the psychoanalysis. Tell your guy to pass these photos onto the cops. This piece of shit needs to be off the streets.”
“I will,” Lex says. “Have fun later, Asher.”
After working on my manuscript for a few hours – forcing myself to focus as my deadline approaches, even if every single part of me wants to think about Autumn instead – I strap Egil into his harness and walk him through the park. I’m due to meet my woman in ninety minutes, but I need to try and clear my head first.
As Egil sniffs and marks as many spots as he possibly can, I think about the text, the unlikelihood of it.
The more time that passes – the closer we grow – I can’t help but think it was meant to be. Even if it’s superstitious and should be impossible, I can’t let go of the idea.
We were fated to be together. Destined.
If that’s the case, perhaps she feels the same way. Perhaps she senses the same gravity, the same closeness.
Or maybe I’m just going insane.
I take Egil home and then let him a short rest before feeding him. Once he’s had his fill, I kneel and stroke my hand over the scruff of his neck, in that specific spot he loves so much. He whines and cranes his head, angling into my touch.
“It’s our first official date, boy. I’ll try not to be home too late. Do you want your relaxation music, huh?”
He grins, letting his tongue hang out, as his tail wags at about a million miles per hour. I get him settled down in his bed, turn on the music that soothes him, and then go and get ready.
I go with one of my gray suits, and once I’ve got my jack on I look at myself in the mirror.
Lex is right. There’s something different about me, a quality hard to pinpoint exactly. It’s more like my general demeanor has changed since I connected with Autumn.
I leave my apartment and ride the elevator down to my car, making the short drive to Autumn’s place. My body is ready, on-edge, as though sensing that something might happen tonight. But I can’t let my dick guide me, not until Autumn knows the truth.
But hell. How am I supposed to tell her, all of it?
I push those concerns aside as I press on her apartment buzzer. There’s a pause before she answers and, when she does, her voice comes across as breathy and anxious.
“I’m not ready yet,” she says. “I’m sorry. I mean, I am, sort of. But…”
“But what?” I urge.
“I don’t think Paula knew what the heck she was talking about. That’s what. I need to change. I look ridiculous.”
My thoughts catch up with her frenetic words. “Are you saying that Paula suggested an outfit for you to wear, but now you feel silly?”
“I don’t feel silly. I am silly.”
“Why don’t you let me be the judge of that?” I growl. “Don’t forget what I said about criticizing the way you look.”
