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I’m a mess. I can’t stop the tears from falling from my eyes. I always knew there was a strong possibility that this would end in heartbreak for me, but I didn’t expect it to be so soon. I thought I’d at least have some time to savor the feelings he gave to me last night.
I put my head into my hands. How could I be so stupid?
I guess this is how heartbreak feels. I feel betrayed and alone. The perfect man I’d built up in my head is still there, living in my mind, but I know things are different now. I know that I’m not going to get things to go my way. The man I made up in my mind isn’t real. He’s just like every other man in the world. The difference is, I was hoping he would stay.
I feel miserable and alone, and I don’t have anyone left to turn to now. After last night, there’s no way I could face Tanya even if I wanted to, which I don’t. And the one man I trusted, the one man who has ever made me feel good, left me without saying goodbye.
It hurts.
I don’t know how I’m going to live the rest of my life with these feelings he brought out in me. I want to escape them, to go back to how things were before Tate. Things sucked then too, but at least I didn’t know the agony of losing someone you put up on a pedestal. He became so important to me in such a short amount of time.
He gave me something that no one ever had before. He gave me comfort, he gave me a home, he put a smile on my face. He made me feel like even though the world is against me, he’d always be by my side. And God knows, I needed him by my side.
Now I need to find a way to start over again. To try and pretend like this never happened. The thought of trying to forget Tate hurts more than I thought possible, but I can’t go on like this. I can’t allow myself to sink into a pit of despair, or I’ll never escape again. I sniffle and force myself to put on some clothes.
I need to get out of this place for a while.
I walk for hours and hours and hours around my neighborhood, going wherever my feet carry me. I thought it might help, but by the time I’m home again, I don’t feel any better. And I guess maybe some part of me was hoping for a text, a call, or for him to show up on my doorstep, like in the movies. But this isn’t a movie. It’s just my life.
I don’t know how to make this better but I have to try. And before I can change my mind, I’ve changed into the green dress again and ordered a car.
I’m going back to the bar.
I’m going to show the world that I’m okay alone. No matter who ridicules me, no matter who hurts me, I’ll make it through with my chin held high. It’s not the way I want to spend my evening, standing alone in a crowded room, knowing I’m not good enough. But I have to do something to stop myself from going completely insane.
The bar is just as gross as it was the other day I came here. There are warm bodies packed in everywhere, drunk men leering at pretty women, girls like me doing their best to hide away. It’s a miserable place. But I push myself to go to the bar and order myself a drink, but I don’t drink it. I can’t bring myself to. Instead, I just stand miserably by the bar, wondering what the hell I’m doing.
I’m out of my comfort zone entirely, but it doesn’t feel good. It doesn’t feel like healing. It feels more like torture. I don’t know what else I expected really. Maybe I secretly hoped that my knight in shining armor would come back to find me here. But I was wrong. He’s not coming. He’s probably already moved on to someone better.
Tears sting my eyes again. I leave my drink behind and head out of the bar once again. It’s a long way home, but I want to walk, even though my legs ache from all of the aimless wandering I did all day. The pain is a distraction from everything else.
I sob as I walk, not caring who stares at me. I’m moving slowly, weighed down by my own misery when I feel the presence of someone following me. I try to speed up a little, but it’s like I’m moving in permanent slow motion.
“Hey, where are you going, pretty girl?” a voice sneers in my ear. “Walking home all by yourself?”
