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As we approach my apartment, I feel my chest tighten.
I’m nervous to face up to what's to come. To really be an adult and talk about what today meant to us both. And even though Tate is still angry, he reaches out and takes my hand. I’m shocked by the gesture, but I don’t push him away. Confused as I am, I can’t let him go. I don’t think I’ll ever let him go, no matter how today ends.
“Can I come inside? So we can talk?” Tate asks.
I hesitate for a moment. Inviting him back into my life, into my apartment, is opening myself up to the possibility of pain again. It’s putting myself in a position where he has control over the way I feel. But I can’t turn him away. Not just because he just saved me, or because he looks so sincere. But also because I know I could never send him away. I care too much to send him away.
“Okay,” I whisper.
Tate nods and gets out of the car and by the time I’ve unclipped my seatbelt, he’s made his way around the car to open the door for me. A true gentleman. He even takes my hand to help me out of the car. So where was he this morning when the gentlemanly thing would’ve been to stay, to at least explain that he was going somewhere? Instead, he left me with a head full of anxiety and a million questions about why I wasn’t good enough for him.
But he’s here now, and he seems to want to give me answers. If he’s got a good reason for what he did, then how can I not forgive him? After all, I’ve been waiting my whole life for him to come along. If I turn him away now, I’d be a fool.
I lead us inside and let him back into my life.
He walks into my apartment and sits down on my battered couch in the living room. I blush. It’s strange seeing him in my space. Last night was different, somehow. We were constantly moving, not settling in one place. But seeing him sitting on the couch is like he’s a permanent fixture. This morning, I wanted nothing more. I still want nothing more…if he can explain to me why he left me.
“Sit with me,” he asks.
I oblige, sitting down beside him. His hand ventures to my knee and I let it. Even though I’m confused and upset, the feeling of his hand on my leg is still better than anything I’ve ever felt before.
“Why did you leave me this morning?” I blurt out before I can stop myself. And suddenly, all of my thoughts and feelings come spilling out without warning. “I woke up this morning expecting you to be there…I needed you to be there. And then when I opened my eyes and realized you were gone…it broke me. I thought you wanted me. I thought we had something special…” There are tears in my eyes now. “And then when you weren’t there, it made me question what I’d done wrong. I thought maybe…I thought maybe you were different from the other guys I’ve met before. The ones who just want to hurt me. The ones who make me feel insecure about my body. But then there I was, all alone…and it just made me realize that nothing has changed. Maybe you weren’t so different from every other man.”
Tate listens to me without saying a word. I can’t tell if he just has nothing to say for himself or whether he’s giving me a chance to speak. My hurt and confusion are skewing everything.
“Did you check your bedside table this morning?” he asks.
My heart jolts. “What?”
“Let me show you…”
Tate stands and heads to my bedroom. I follow him quickly, anxiety coursing through me. I watch as Tate checks my bedside table and then shakes his head to himself.
“Well, this explains a lot. The note I left you, it’s not here.”
I watch him reach down behind my nightstand and snag something. When he straightens, he’s holding a piece of paper in his hand. He holds it out to me.
“It must have fallen down at some point after I left…”
I take the paper from him, my heart thumping in my chest. It has something scrawled on it that I can barely read, but as soon as I make out the words I realize what a mistake I made this morning.
Macy,
I’m sorry I can’t be here when you wake up. I have to go to work and handle some errands. But last night was incredible, and I want to pick up where we left off. I won’t be able to call you because I’ve misplaced this phone, but I’ll drop by this evening to see you like we discussed last night. I hope you’ll be here and that you want to see me. I can’t wait to see your beautiful face again.
