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“I don’t know,” I replied. Why couldn’t I just be honest with him?
“How can you not know?” He asked me incredulously.
“Because my situation is complicated Kerry. I’m married. I’m thirty-four years old. This is my first marriage. I don’t really want to fail at it like I have so many other things in my life but yes, my life with James is difficult. More difficult than I had anticipated it would be six years ago when I married him,” I added. “I hate confrontation. You know me.”
“I was standing outside the church the day you were married,” he acknowledged.
I nearly choked on my coffee spitting it on the table between us while I gagged and coughed. Not a pretty sight, I was sure. When I recovered I asked him why? I grabbed napkins from the dispenser sitting on the table and wiped up the coffee while he explained.
“Because I wanted to stop you. I’ve never married because I couldn’t find someone that I love more than I love you.” Love you. Not loved you. Not past tense. I love you. “I tried believe me there have been a string of women that I’m sure that I’ve hurt pretty badly but when it came time to commit I couldn’t stop thinking of you and our child.”
My heart felt like it was breaking into pieces. Tears welled up in my eyes and I would have bawled like a baby had we not been sitting in a public place with other relatives of other patients surrounding us dealing with their own heartaches and troubles. Seventeen years. You waited seventeen years to tell me this?
“I didn’t mean to upset you Gabby,” Kerry declared uncomfortably.
“I’m sure you didn’t.” I choked out the words.
“Is it too late?” He asked me hope evident in his eyes.
There was no way that I could answer that question while still being married to James. Although I wanted to shout to the world that it definitely wasn’t too late for Kerry McCoy and I to find happiness together. I didn’t know for sure. I needed to know what my daughter was thinking and feeling. I rose from the table and said, “Let’s get back to your mother’s room shall we?”
Kerry rose and followed me from the cafeteria. “I guess I don’t deserve an answer yet but soon…” his voice trailed off.
I looked up into pleading amber eyes. Soon, my eyes promised.
Chapter Seven
Esther was resting quietly. Her eyes were closed; chest rising and falling at an even pace she was in deep slumber when Kerry and I entered the stark room. Kat sat by the hospital bed in the chair Kerry had vacated holding her grandmother’s withered and gray hand. She looked up when we entered the room and whispered as if I hadn’t told her just this last evening, “She’s dying.”
Kat had been thrown into accepting her grandmother’s imminent death when she physically saw her deteriorating condition.
“I’m sorry Keegan,” I said to my daughter. “We shouldn’t have left you alone for so long.”
I walked straight to her and wrapped my arms around her shoulders. Her head rested against my stomach. Kerry had tears in his eyes I could see when I looked over my shoulder at him.
We spent the afternoon in Esther’s room talking quietly. Occasionally, Esther woke and talked with us but she was weak and slept mostly while we watched her and talked amongst the three of us. Keegan told Kerry about her life, her horse Moose, my horse Spider. She seemed to want to fill him in on every detail herself that he had missed. Attentively, he listened. He made comments, offered suggestions but most of all he listened. His daughter I thought to myself mesmerized him. He could hardly take his eyes off her. Occasionally, I caught him staring at me but mostly he listened to Keegan focusing his attention on her.
When the nurses threw us out because visiting hours were over I was surprised at how late the time was. Kerry walked with us to the elevator. Inside, he suggested that we go to dinner. Keegan looked at me with expectation. She wanted to go unable to leave him. I understood her reluctance. She had found her voice. She had more she wanted to say to him so I agreed.
I wanted them to go without me but they weren’t ready for that so we met at one of the few restaurants in Hell. Armando’s Pizzeria was where Issy, Kerry and I used to hang out in our teenage years. The restaurant still had black and white tiles on the floor although I thought they were new. The walls were painted half white and half black with the black half on the bottom. The leather benches were white and the tables were black. The interior could make you dizzy it was so loud.
The pizzeria flooded me with more memories that were confusing my already confused state of mind. Armando had died three years before and a nephew now ran the pizza place. The menu was the same menu that I had glanced over so many times when I was just Kat’s age I knew it by heart. A teenager seated us in a booth and took our drink orders. Kat sat next to me in the booth while Kerry sat across from us. There was a comfortable silence in the booth.
“I enjoyed seeing your childhood pictures and hearing about you,” Kat finally said without looking up at Kerry.
“I also enjoyed hearing about you,” he replied uncertainly. This statement caught her off guard. Her head shot up and she fixed him with a penetrating stare. “Your grandmother told me about every visit,” he clarified.
“Oh,” Kat said looking back at her hands.
Had she thought I kept in touch with Kerry? I wondered. Luckily the waitress brought our drinks and we ordered a large pizza with extra cheese, pepperoni and mushrooms, thick crust was a necessity. I excused myself to call home to find out how Yancy was doing. Michaela answered my mother’s telephone.
“Where the hell are you?” She snapped.
“What is wrong with y
ou?” I snapped back at my older sister.
“Your husband has called here five times in an hour wandering if you’re home yet. He said he hasn’t talked to you since you left.”
