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“You can’t keep this up,” Adin told me.
“She should stay in a hospice until she’s better,” Micki said to us as if we should agree with her and be done with it.
“She won’t go,” I replied tiredly running my fingers through my messy hair.
“She doesn’t have a choice. How long would it be anyway? She has to start getting better soon.” Micki said this.
Gazing at my three sisters I knew they really hadn’t suspected that Yancy was dying. With tears in my eyes I said to them nastily, “Get your heads out of your asses’ girls. She’s dying.” The words came out harsh and strong not what I had intended but born of frustration and sadness that I was losing my mother to cancer and unable to share this with them.
“She’s not,” Gem gasped in horror.
Adin and Micki looked at each other then at me.
“The cancer has spread to other parts of her body. She told me at Keegan’s graduation. She wanted to keep it from you. She wanted to protect you from the pain of knowing.”
A pain I understood all too well. For the first time I thought I understood. They told me things they didn’t tell each other because they saw me as the strong one capable of burdening their troubles as well as my own. They protected each other from pain and unhappiness but they expected me to be able to help them without breaking down. I couldn’t do it anymore. I needed to be able to breakdown. Exhaustion. Stress. Pain of my knowing my mother was dying overtook me. My knees buckled and I went down to the tiled floor sobbing softly into my hands.
“She’s dying,” I repeated with soul wrenching, profound sadness rocking back and forth in the hallway of the hospital.
Adin knelt next to me and held me in her arms rocking me like a baby. Keegan was crying behind me. Holding Wynne who was making no sounds at all Micki moved around Adin and I taking Wynne with her so she could take Keegan in her other arm, comforting her. Gem stood motionless watching us as if we were unfamiliar to her. Doctor Winkle found us like this in the middle of the hospital corridor.
He herded us to a private room where he told us our mother wouldn’t live much longer. The cancer spreading to her bones accounted for the intense pain that she was experiencing. He suggested the hospice again.
“No,” I replied firmly.
“I’m only thinking of you Gabrielle,” he said pointedly to me. “I know Jack hasn’t been too helpful recently.”
“We’ll take turns staying at the house with Gab and Pop,” Adin said to him. “We’ll hire a nurse.”
He sighed heavily. “Fine but Gabrielle can’t do this alone anymore. Do you girls understand me? I realize it isn’t your fault that no one told you but can’t you see?” Doctor Winkle sounded exasperated.
“We’ll be there for them,” Adin promised him.
Adin took Wynne, Keegan and I home at noon. Micki and Gem stayed with Yancy who was staying overnight. She could return to the house in Hell when she had a hospital bed and a nurse to stay with her. Adin made those preparations while the girls and I showered and changed clothes. Then we sat down to deli meat sandwiches that Adin had prepared.
“You should have told us before today,” she admonished.
I had food in my mouth and couldn’t answer right away.
“Mom meant no harm,” Keegan said defending me.
“Keegan, I’m not mad at your mother except that by keeping this news to herself she also bore the burden alone which could have hurt herself or the baby.”
“It’s okay Keegan. Adin is right. I should have told them as soon as we were settled in Hell. I should have shared this with them.”
Kick. Kick. Kick. You stay out of this little one.
Keegan glanced away frustrated and angry because she thought her aunt was attacking me, criticizing me like James had.
“The bed will be delivered tonight. Doctor Winkle has yet to recommend a nurse,” Adin told me. “His office is supposed to call with a few names.”
“Thank you for taking care of it,” I said to my sister.
“She’s my mother too,” was all that Adin said in reply.
The rest of lunch was eaten in silence.
#
