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Losing her lovely, thick, dark hair.
Possibly losing her breast or both if necessary?
Would Josh still love her? Desire her without her breasts?
So many things ran through her head but the one that kicked her in the butt the most. The one thing that terrified her was Cancer could mean death. She wanted to see Ally graduate from college. She wanted to see Joshua start kindergarten.
Sophie wanted to watch her daughter try on wedding dresses until she found the ONE. She imagined Kai would go with them and Ally’s grandmothers too, hers and Josh’s moms.
Sophie wanted to be by her daughter’s side when she gave birth to her first child. It was a lot to ask but she was still young, right? It was possible.
Cancer didn’t have to be a death sentence.
The thing was she hadn’t expected in her life, cancer. She was living her life, oblivious of bad, things that could happen because her life was good. Really, really, good and she had taken it for granted.
What would happen to her family if she died? She glanced at Josh. Her husband. They had only been with each other. He was her first as she was his. They had learned about sex and love together.
Sophie leaned against the counter. Would he remarry if something happened to her? She chewed on the tip of her thumbnail imagining him with someone else. That was a painful thought, but he was young still. If it ever came to that, then Sophie would tell him so.
“What?” He asked when he noticed that she was staring at him.
“Nothing.” Not yet. She couldn’t tell him all the craziness going through her head right now.
Not yet. She really needed to start with the little, things before she got to the big stuff. She needed to have the ultrasound and biopsy first before she had a full-blown panic attack and started planning her own funeral.
There were times he called her crazy. Now would be one of them if she tried to tell him everything that was running through her addled, stressed-out, brain.
She sighed. “Can we just order something in for dinner?”
“Sure.” He was already pulling out menus from the drawer that drove him nuts. Her junk drawer. It contained so many things that she always thought she might need. He had to root through it to find the one menu that he wanted.
“You just decide and order something for me. I’m going to our bedroom and change into something comfortable.”
She got as far as the kitchen doorway before Josh stopped her. “Sophie,” he said her name. She turned and gazed at him. “I promise it will be all right.”
She nodded then headed through the doorway to the hall that led to their master suite. Josh had expanded it with Jake Manzo and John Overly, a little over eight years ago.
So much had changed in the last year. Her eyes were focused on her feet, the sparkling, wooden floor that she religiously cleaned every Saturday morning. Her feet making the only sound in the house, except Josh now ordering Italian for their dinner. An excellent choice, comfort food, just what she needed.
Sophie’s eyes were drawn to the smudge on the wall near the door. Probably one of the them had run Joshua into it on one of his riding toys. The neutral color showed everything. Neutral, because Sophie liked playing it safe.
Her home was safe like she was. She ate healthy foods. She didn’t drink often, usually only with the girls once a month and then she only had a glass or two of wine or a beer. On Friday nights with Josh she had a glass of vino from a local winery in Cooper. They had their own brand and it was delicious.
She didn’t smoke. She walked every morning three miles while Josh ran. If she worked with Josh, she worked hard. Her arms and back were cut still with muscles from working with her husband making a success of their landscaping business.
Sure, her hips were wider than when she was in high school. Her tummy wasn’t perfectly flat, but she had given birth to two children that had stretched out her skin and her muscles, but she still looked good for her age not that it mattered to Josh. She took care of herself for her.
She might have cancer.
The thought kept going through her head. Shoving out everything else that she was trying to grasp onto to be
positive, right now.
Perching on the edge of the bed, she stared at her phone. Pictures of their last picnic, here at their house, the first of September for Labor Day. Micki’s twins were only two months old. Alexander was trying to walk around things. Kai or Roman were constantly following him to be sure he didn’t fall. Joshua and Alexander playing together. She ran her finger across the photo. She loved all these kids like they were her own.
She might have cancer.
She might not see them grow up. She cleared her throat and contemplated calling Kai. Her closest friend since grade school. Kindergarten they sat side by side. Even then, her friend was a giant compared to the other kindergarten children while Sophie was very small.
