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“Kind of sick too, I imagine,” Deandra added.
“I am. Friday, Saturday and Sunday I’m in bed. Feel liked death would be better than chemo. Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, the recliner and I are best friends. I start to feel a step above death. I was working half days starting Thursday until I get chemo again, but I’ve kind of given that up now too. I get too tired,” Sophie explained.
“Yes, ma’am. It does that to you.” She glanced over at Sophie. “Why the grumpiness?”
She sighed while Madge finished starting her IV. “We’ll have you feeling better in no time.” Madge patted Sophie’s arm. “Be back to check on you ladies in a while.”
“Thanks Madge,” Sophie replied to her. Then she turned to Deandra. “I’m angry, Deandra. I’m tired of feeling like this is it. Cancer and chemo have taken everything away from me. My life is Hulu, Netflix and Lifetime original movies.” Sophie wiped away a tear. “And the Hallmark Channel which makes me cry every single time.”
“Nothing wrong with that, sweetness.” Deandra reached out her hand and Sophie grabbed onto it. “Instead of thinking of what is being taken away by chemo, try think of what it is giving you back, your future.”
Sophie continued to stare at the ceiling. Recliners had become her best friend. She was becoming a slug. She couldn’t wait for the day when she felt like walking again without feeling wi
nded and needing a nap after a ten, minute walk.
Deandra continued, “I have one more treatment and I’m done. I hope it gives me the years I need to have what I want from whatever is left of my life. If not, I’ll look at some other treatment options.”
Sophie remembered. She wanted to see her daughter graduated and dance at her wedding. She turned her head. “Do I sound ungrateful?” She asked.
“Lord, no. This chemo is for the birds, but it saves lives. It’s miserable but without it we have no chance. When they told me, I had cancer again…I’ll be honest, I went home, and I dropped to my knees beside my bed then I lowered my head to my comforter and I said to Jesus, why are you doing this to me again? I was angry at him.”
Deandra stopped for a moment to collect herself. “I didn’t think I had to strength to do the treatments again.”
“How did you?” Sophie asked.
“I spoke to the pastor at my church. I was angry and hurt. I was sobbing. Crying women make Pastor Jeff very uncomfortable,” Deandra teased her. She looked over at Sophie. “Literally falling apart at the seams.”
“What did he tell you?”
“Dee, you do what you want to do. You were brave the first time when you battled cancer and won but I feel it in my heart to tell you that Jesus isn’t done with you here.”
Sophie turned her head away from Deandra.
“I lead our church choir every Sunday morning. We have practice every Wednesday night. I had a tough time meeting those obligations, but I didn’t miss many. I scheduled my chemo, so I was able to make as many as possible. The pastor’s wife filled in when I couldn’t make it.
“I have teenagers who are involved in choir that rely on me. I want to keep them involved in the faith. I think it’s as important to them as it is to me.”
“How do you do that with the chemo?”
Deandra chuckled. “Will rented a wheel chair for me now that I’m too weak to get around. Soon I’ll be out of that chair and giving him a run for his money.”
Sophie laughed at her. “It’s the spirit that keeps you going Sophie when you think you can’t go another day. Your spirit…your soul that is tough and the part that makes you a fighter and wants to cling to this world that says, I’m not gonna give up. That’s what makes us so special.”
“Us?” Sophie turned her head to Deandra, listening to her more intently.
“Cancer survivors. We go through hell to find heaven on earth. The reason we were put here. Mine is to be with those kids in choir practice. To live for my daughter and my husband. Myself too. Don’t get me wrong but they push me along when I get weary. Literally sometimes, behind my chair.” Deandra chuckled at her own joke.
Sophie shook her head. “I don’t know how you do it. I just feel so beat down right now.”
“My church, my church family. My husband. My daughter. They pick me up when I need it.” She smiled at Sophie. “They remind me what I have to live for that is important and special. What is that thing that pushes you, in your life?”
“Josh.” She thought about him for a moment. How lost he’d be without her. The nights he was still wandering around the house unable to sleep as he worried about her. “Heath and Hannah, his wife.” Sophie’s voice cracked. “Our grandson, Joshua. I don’t want to be a memory from a photograph to him.”
“See, you have so much to cling to, Sophie. Pray when things are bad. Ask Jesus to help you through these hard, times for Joshua, Josh, Heath and Hannah.”
“And Ally, my daughter,” she added.
“Give him your burden, Sophie. His shoulders are broad enough to help you carry the weight of your issues. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for, lady. You can do this. Just have faith in him but in yourself too.”
