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Now I could bore you with all the details of my time spent in the hospital; the drama and the tears. The recriminations. Or I could tell you about the day I came home. They moved me to a regular floor after five days. I stayed there for three more. Then they released me with restrictions.
My father did not come back to the hospital after the first night once he was sure I would live. My mother and my grandfather came every day. The day I was released they were the two who picked me up. No one asked too many questions. Yet. They were all too busy playing the blame game. Whose fault was it that I OD on heroin?
Mine, plain and simple.
At least I could recognize that. They had to recognize that as well. Mom brought clothes to me to wear home. I was grateful that I could shower and slip into my own clothes. Gramps was sitting in a chair facing the window when I came out of the shower dressed and ready to leave.
“Do you want us to take you to your apartment?” Mom asked.
“I think he should come to the farm for a while,” my grandfather replied for me. I wasn’t working. I was living off savings while I studied for the bar. Living at the farm didn’t sound so bad. Grams told me that I needed to make changes. Maybe I would discover what I needed to do living there with him and Fionn to guide me. I could take that opportunity to make up some of the hurt that I caused Fionn.
“I think that is a good idea. I’ll end my lease. It’s month to month anyway. Will Fionn and Aine mind?”
Gramps shook his head no. “I already talked to them before your mom picked me up.”
I sat on the edge of the bed. They were going to think I was dreaming or crazy when I told them this but I really needed to tell somebody what happened to me. “When I died I saw Grams.” Gramps’ head shot around to look at me. “Grandpa Joey, Betsy and Luke too.”
Mom sat down beside me and rubbed her hand across my back. Here it comes, her honey you were in a coma speech. You were dreaming. “Ronan, I’m not sure what you think you saw…”
“Stevie let him talk.”
I glanced at my grandfather across the room. His eyes were trained on me. Focused and listening. “She told me I fucked up.” Gramps chuckled.
“They told me that I had an opportunity here to change my life. Basically, I needed to stop being a selfish prick and learn to treat people nicer.” I didn’t want to say it because then they would know but I had to be honest. I might not have done heroin before but I definitely had been doing drugs. “Stop the drugs.” My mother gasped. “This was the first time I tried heroin Mom,” I added not that it made my admission any better.
“Will it be your last?”
“I want it to be my last. Shawn said there are great counseling sessions in Pointe Royal. He thought I should attend. Some meetings maybe?”
“You talked to him about it?” Mom asked.
“He didn’t give me a choice.” I rubbed my hand across my face. “Liam told me they revived me twice. Dying puts things into perspective for you. He wanted me to understand I can’t kick this by myself.”
She laid her head against my shoulder and sighed. I turned my head and kissed my mom’s forehead. “Why Ronan? Your dad is blaming himself.”
“Is that why he hasn’t been back here to see me?” I asked.
“Yes,” my mother replied.
“It’s not his fault. He taught us right from wrong. I started using weed in high school and went from there. The wrong people. The excitement of it. I don’t know,” I said all the reasons and none of them made sense to me now. “Pressure from school? When weed wasn’t enough we began doing coke too. I thought I could control it which I did pretty well until they handed me that needle with the heroin in it. Just once. Try it just once, they told me.”
“I still don’t understand,” Mom said to me.
“I do,” Grandpa replied. “He’s like Joey. A cocky, bull-headed, arrogant shit who needed more. If Ronan had a motorcycle he would have been riding it on the streets of Pointe Royal at a one hundred miles per hour. The drugs gave him the same rush that Joey’s motorcycle did. Got him out of his head.”
I agreed with Gramps. He had described it perfectly. The drugs got me out of my head and gave me the rush that I needed at times.
“Daddy was doing that?” Mom asked.
“He was. Got arrested too. We bailed him out of jail and the Sheriff kept his bike for a while to teach him a lesson.”
The nurse walked in interrupting our conversation. She gave Mom and Grandpa the release instructions. I half-heartedly listened. It was Saturday. Tomorrow, I would have to face everyone at Sunday dinner. I wasn’t looking forward to it and I knew that Gramps would not let me hide from what I had done. He was good at kicking your ass when your fucked up without making it obvious that is what he was doing.
**
Riding in a wheelchair, I stared at the tile as the orderly guided me to the front entrance where Mom was waiting on us in Dad’s truck. She hated driving it but it was more comfortable for me and Gramps being even taller; riding in her much smaller four-door sedan would have been cramped.
“Hey,” Liam shouted. He was jogging through the main part of the hospital trying to catch up to us. He wore light blue hospital scrubs with the name of the hospital emblazoned on his chest. I recognized my brother’s voice and asked the orderly to stop. Gramps stopped beside me.
