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“I love you Gracie Lou,” I told her.
“I wuv you Ro.” Her love was unconditional. She didn’t judge me. She had no preconceived ideas about me because she didn’t know what I had done in my life that made me an asshole. She was innocent and I was always just fun loving Uncle Ronan.
Aine laid her hand across my arm. “I’ll never repeat this,” she told me. I focused my gaze in her direction confused by what she was about to say. “I love you too.”
I laughed. “Don’t let Fionn hear you say that.”
“I heard.” My brother didn’t show emotion well except where his daughter and wife were concerned. He was a quiet man. He had walls that he built to protect himself from everyone including me but even he had told me that he loved me when he thought I couldn’t hear him.
I turned and looked at him. “Hey, could I talk to you Fionn?” I asked.
“Sure,” he replied. Easy, loving Fionn. I owed him so much.
I handed Grace back to Aine and stepped down the porch steps; standing beside my brother. Glancing over my shoulder, I cast a brief look at the old farmhouse. My father grew up here with his brother. My grandfather, his father and his father before him. Now Fionn with Aine and their children. My brother was suited for this life. I had torn him down for his choices.
I began to watch him several years back. To see what he saw. To see how successful, he was at farming and why. I was proud of the man that he was. I needed to tell him that among other things. “Let’s go to the barn,” I suggested.
He held out his hand as if to say, lead the way so I walked ahead of Fionn. I heard his boots on the gravel drive as we crossed to the barn. The slamming of the screen door let me know that Aine went inside with Grace. We walked through the barn door and sat on bales of hay in the walkway. Not speaking at first because Fionn waited on me. I was trying to find the words. “What did you want with me Ronan?” Fionn was trying to put me at ease.
“I wanted to tell you that I’m so proud of you.” He looked surprised. “I’ve been an ass to you our whole lives, I know that. Probably because I was jealous.” I rubbed my hand across my face.
“Did it hurt to say that?” He teased me.
If you knew Fionn and his personality you would know how funny that comment was. I burst out laughing. “No, it wasn’t painful at all. I love you Fionn. I really do. I should say that more often.” He seemed surprised. “And I want you to teach me Fionn,” I said.
“Teach you what?” He was puzzled by that statement that I was about to explain.
I swallowed. “How to be a good man,” I replied. “I’ve gotten lost along the way. I’ve forgotten everything Dad taught us and let everyone down. I need a little time to finish recuperating. The doc said two weeks. Maybe I can help around the house during that time but then I want to come outside and help you.”
He laid his hand on my back. “You haven’t forgotten Ronan,” Fionn replied. “It’s still inside you. You’ve just gotten lost.”
Dad took this personally. He was kicking his own ass for what happened to me. That was the first step I needed to take which was to stand up to him and let him know that I made the decision to stick that needle in my arm. It was my own fault not his. “I need to face Dad.”
“Yeah, you do.”
I glanced at him and Fionn looked at me. “He’s blaming himself when it was my choice.”
“It was. I can’t say I understand why.”
“Blow off steam. To get high with my friends. I smoke weed on a regular basis, Fionn. I use coke here and there. Pills,” I said. I didn’t need to explain anymore. He got it. “Heroin was supposed to be a one-time thing.”
Fionn leaned forward on his knees. “It’s never a one-time thing Ronan.”
“It almost was for me,” I replied teasing him.
He scowled at me. “You know that isn’t funny.”
He sat back and leaned against the stall. “Can you understand how we felt seeing you with the breathing tube down your throat. Your chest covered in wires. Liam told Jamie that they used the paddles on you twice to shock your heart into starting again. You were dead Ronan.” Fionn scrubbed his face with his hands.
“I’m sorry,” I replied. “Did anyone tell Mom and Dad this?”
Fionn glanced at me. “I don’t know,” he replied.
“Can I borrow the car?” I asked him.
“You going over to see Dad?”
“Yeah, I don’t want to confront him at Sunday dinner tomorrow. It needs to happen before then.”
