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He laughed. “So true. Okay, well, I’ve been thinking a lot about my team in the past couple of weeks. I guess after you laid it down about why you were relieved to go, and how being around them made you feel, and I never thought of it that way before.” Adrián took a deep, slow breath and rolled his eyes over to me. “All that shit we say when we’re joking around . . . I guess I’d never thought about how it’d come off to someone who’s actually queer, you know?”
“Sugar, do you really think I’m the only gay man in the NFL? Or that Brawley’s the only bisexual?”
“Nah. I mean . . . a couple months ago I maybe thought that shit, but now I realize no one will ever come out if their team is as fucking hostile as the Predators. In fact, they probably double down on the homophobia just to cover up their queerness. To seem less . . . suspect or whatever.” Adrián’s mouth sank down. He reached out to pull at a thread in my hoodie, tugging it and hyper-focusing on the little string. “It’s just that I grew up with athletes, and a lot of people made jokes that weren’t ‘PC’ and shit, you know? It was just kinda normal, and I never thought anyone talking mess ever meant it, so it seemed harmless.”
“Uh-huh . . .” I sure as hell hoped this was going somewhere I could tolerate. “Now?”
“Now I’m just like . . . I dunno, man. I think a lot of people who used to make comments legit hated gay people, and I was helping to let it slide by going along with it or laughing or saying their sense of humor just ‘wasn’t PC.’”
“Like Rocky.”
“Yeah,” he said dully. “Like Rocky. It’s weird because . . . he’s different when it’s just us. When I was living with him, there was this whole other side of him. He’d talk about books and knows all of this random trivia. His favorite movies are like Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings, dude. He has an entire personality that nobody knows about. And then all of a sudden he’s out in public or on social media, or in the locker room, being a monster. It doesn’t make sense how he flips so fast. I’m starting to think the only one who has ever seen that other side of him is me. When I try to tell other people, even guys on our team, they look at me like I’m making shit up.”
“Okay, so, please enlighten me as to why you’re so hung up on this now? No offense, but I knew Rocky was a homophobe after he steady subbed me after I came out. You thought that was a joke?”
Adrián didn’t say anything. I sat up and leaned over him, glaring.
“Uh-uh. No sir, you do not get to clam up now that I’m asking the hard questions.” When he stayed shut, I shoved his shoulder. “If you’re trying to clear the air with me you need to speak up.”
He sighed and flicked an annoyed glare at me, but it dissolved as soon as it landed. “I’m sorry, Simeon. I’m sorry I’m so stupid I didn’t see how awful he was until I started . . .”
Lord, we were about to be here forever if I left it up to his hesitant ass.
“Until you started catching feelings for me?”
Adrián covered his face with his hands, fingers digging in. “Fuck. Yes.”
My posture eased, and tension I hadn’t realized had been clinging to me dissipated. I’d been waiting for this moment for a few weeks now—wanting him to admit he wanted me and later that he liked me. What I hadn’t anticipated was this relief. Or to feel like it’d mattered outside of my secret project to help him realize he’s fucking queer too.
“Why’d you get quiet?” he asked from behind his hands. “I figured I made it obvious today.”
“It was obvious for a while, Adrián. I just didn’t think you’d ever accept it.”
“Because it’s ridiculous.” He pushed himself up and hunched over to bury his face in his hands. The turtle mode was serious. After all the flirting and touching and even the fucking, it was this moment that was breaking him down. I didn’t know whether to be in awe of how much straight men valued their heterosexuality or to be sad that he was potentially going to mourn it this hard. “I’ve only ever wanted women. My entire life, the only dude I’ve ever looked twice at is you. From the moment I saw the ESPN clip about you on signing day like seven years ago. You were talking about how being in the League was an honor, and you kept stressing your community instead of just talking about yourself. I guess I related, because when I signed, the first thing I thought of was how proud my mom would be.”
