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We get to my vehicle, and Adam bails in. I shake my head as I walk around the car. I wish I had just a tenth of his energy. The drive home is filled with more excitement about the possibility of playing on the all-stars. I have a feeling it might be all I hear about for the foreseeable future. The thought makes me smile. I love hearing my son happy. I did my best to shield him during my marriage to his father. It was miserable, and I hated that Adam was caught in the middle. I should have left, but I was trapped with nowhere else to go. Mom barely could afford her medicine. She sure couldn’t handle two more mouths to feed. It wasn’t her place to either.
Then, there was Clark.
I’m not sure I ever loved him. He was my escape. He treated me like I was the only woman in the world for him. My battered ego needed that. You make stupid mistakes when you’re young, and I made some doozies. It didn’t help that my self-confidence was nil after losing Blue. Looking back, I know Clark used that. I didn’t see that at the time, but I do now. When I got pregnant, Clark said he loved me and promised to always take care of me and the baby. He even vowed to put me first because I was his world. I think he tried because we did good for a year. Then, slowly the stress of being parents and me being unable to work because of some health issues began building. I don’t think Clark knew how to handle it. That’s when he turned to gambling to cope, which led to alcohol and other things.
When you have an addictive personality, you can’t treat it by picking lesser of all evils and letting it be your crutch. Eventually, you’re bound to start looking for a bigger crutch to hold up all the broken pieces that are you. I can’t even fault Clark for that. Hell, he was my crutch. I used him to navigate through the pain of losing Blue. Maybe the guilt of that kept me in my marriage. If I had loved Clark, maybe things would have turned out differently. Regardless, no one deserves to die the way Clark did. Cancer ravaged his body ruthlessly. He had no one. So, I took care of him in the end. We even became friends in a way. Plus, Adam got to see a better side to his father and have some time with him before he died.
Choices rarely turn out the way you want them to. Hell, the same can be said for life.
“I’m thinking we should grab a bucket of chicken for dinner, kiddo. What do you think?”
“I think I’d rather have pizza,” he says, making me laugh.
“Okay, fine,” I answer, shaking my head. “You can have pizza, and we’ll get Grandma some of Joe’s spaghetti she loves.”
“What about you, Mom? You hardly ever eat lately.”
I frown. I wasn’t sure he noticed. I don’t like to worry him. That’s a drawback from his father being so sick and dying. It makes Adam worry over me often. That had gotten better since moving to Mason, but apparently, me being sick lately has brought it back.
“I’m okay, honey. I just caught a bug, and it has my stomach hating me lately. I’m definitely hungry right now. I think I’ll have some pizza, too.”
“Extra cheese?” he asks, and even though the thought makes my stomach go crazy, I nod.
“Outstanding!” he says, making me laugh. I don’t know where he picked up that word, but it’s something he puts in almost every conversation these days. Adam begins playing on my phone, and I turn my attention to driving. I hate I’m worrying him. Honestly, I’m a little worried myself. Not because I think I may be sick.
No, this is much worse.
I’m afraid I might be pregnant. I missed my last period. The last time I stayed this queasy I was carrying Adam. I drummed up the courage to buy a home pregnancy test, but it’s lying in my nightstand drawer. My courage seems to have fled after the purchase. I can’t force myself to take the stupid test now. I’m scared, and maybe it makes me a wimp, but I don’t really want to know right now. If I am pregnant, I have no idea what that is going to mean. I just got Blue to leave me alone. If I’m pregnant, what will that even mean? God, it’s such a mess. I push it into the back of my mind for a bit.
I know a day of reckoning is coming soon, but I just can’t deal with it right now…
I can’t.
Chapter 12
Blue
I pull into the parking lot of Green’s new training facility for the team he’s GM of. Getting this job was a big change for him, but he loves it. It also gives him more time with Kage and the family they’re creating. I don’t mind admitting I’m envious of my brother. Hell, all my brothers are happy with the exception of Cyan. He and I seem to be destined to want the one woman we can’t have.
