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Feeling like the lamest of lame, I asked, “How’re you feeling?”
She shrugged shakily. “Okay. It was a mild stroke so...there was very little damage.”
I nodded, unable to speak. Little damage meant something had still been damaged. I didn’t care if it was a little or a lot, any damage was more than there should’ve been.
“What...what...?” I tried to ask but ended up being unable to finish the question. I was too scared to learn what I’d damaged.
Around me, the other two couples shifted toward the exit, Asher squeezing my shoulder supportively before they were gone. I watched them go and then turned back to Sarah.
“It’s really not that bad,” she reassured me. “Right now, there’s just a dull headache and some numbness and rigidity in this arm and leg. But the good news is it won’t spasm as much anymore.”
She grinned, but her eyes looked too bruised for me to find anything positive from what she’d just said.
Sinking into the chair next to her, I buried my face in my hands. “So, so there’s no way you’ll ever be able to walk now?”
“Brandt,” she said softly, shaking her head as sympathy filled her blue eyes. “You and I both know that was never going to happen, anyway.”
“Yeah, but you’d been working at it for years, and you were getting better. Now, even the dream of it is dead. I ruined—” My chest heaved and tears threatened. Damn it, I was going to lose it in front of her. I refused to lose it in front of her. “Jesus.” I ran my fingers up into my hair and clutched two handfuls hard by the roots.
I’d killed one of her dreams.
Shaking her head, Sarah whispered, “Oh my God.” Tears filled her eyes. “You’re never going to touch me again, are you?”
I glanced away as pain clawed at my heart. “Sarah...”
“No.” She reached for me, gripping my arm. “Don’t do this, Brandt. Please. Please.... You have to know this was just a horrible coincidence that it happened when it did.”
I sucked in a deep breath. “It wasn’t a coincidence.”
“It could’ve been.”
“No!” I surged to my feet, breathing hard. “I almost killed you, and that’s...that’s not acceptable. Oh my God.” I spun away to pace her room. “If I’d waited any longer to get you help, you...you might not be here right now.”
“So, see,” she reached for me again. “You saved me. You didn’t hurt me. You’d never hurt me. Brandt, please, I’m begging you. Don’t take the blame for this. Please don’t stop what we just started because you’re scared. I don’t want to lose you.”
“You’ll never lose me.” I brought her knuckles to my mouth and kissed them. “You’ll always be my best friend. Nothing could change that.”
Closing her eyes, she cried even harder. “I don’t want to be just your friend any longer.”
“And I don’t want to kill you,” I whispered.
Tears ran down her cheeks. Each and every one of them slayed me, but I just stood there, refusing to tell her we would carry on as if nothing had happened. There was no way in hell I’d ever touch her sexually again, not as long as it put her life at risk.
“What about you and me being together permanently?” she asked, sniffing at her tears. “Being clingy, and possessive and jealous? You can’t make a promise like that to me and then just take it back.”
“I can if it puts you in danger. My first instinct toward you is protection, and I will keep you safe, no matter what it takes.”
Growling out a frustrated sound, she squeezed my hand harder. “God, you’re so stubborn. Why can’t your first stupid instinct be to love me? Just...love me.”
“I do,” I swore to her. “I love you with everything I have, and I always will. But I will not lose you. I can’t.” This time, the mere threat of tears was no more. They became real as they spilled down my cheeks, each one crying out for me to take her into my arms and just hold her.
Except that was what had started this.
Pulling my hand forcefully out of hers, I choked out, “If keeping my hands off you is the only way to keep you in my life, then that’s what I’ll do.”
She stared at me, all the pain and grief in her soul shimmering in her eyes. “Don’t do something stupid,” she said.
I had no idea what she meant, but I wiped the wetness from my cheeks. “I won’t.”
