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Though the words were right, Mom glanced toward the exit as she said them, as if she wanted to leave but didn’t want to be rude while I was talking to her.
“Yeah, I hope so.” Having pity on her, I gave a single nod and lifted my hand to wave her off. “Sorry, I’ll let you get to your errand.” Whatever it may be.
She released an audible breath. “Bye, Mason.” Already backing away from me, she turned to flee. “I’ll be back by five, I swear.”
“Okay.” I watched her go. When she didn’t even pause to call out a farewell to her daughter before she hurried out the back door, I shook my head, biting back the disappointment. Sarah probably didn’t even know Mom was leaving.
Eager to see my sister, I started through the house toward the living room. When I stopped in the opening, I found her sitting on one end of the couch with her wheelchair on the other side of the room next to the front door.
I silently cursed my mom for basically trapping Sarah on the couch. If she’d wanted to go to the bathroom or get a snack or whatever, it would’ve been difficult for her to make it to her chair first.
Noticing my presence, she peeled her attention from the television and grinned at me, lifting both hands to wave. “Bubba!”
My insides melted. I had no idea how one delicate twelve-year-old goofball managed it, but a single smile from her could make an entire shitty day feel worth living. She was the reason I kept going.
“Hey, kiddo.” Grinning, I entered the living room so I could plop down onto the rest of the couch and kick my feet onto the coffee table before leaning my head toward her shoulder and lightly resting against her. “Whatcha watching?”
“Danno.”
That was what she called Hawaii Five-0. I nodded, watching it with her for barely a second before asking, “Have they figured out who the bad guy is yet?”
“Not yet.”
“I bet it’s him.” I pointed at the face of the next guy who popped onto the screen.
“No,” Sarah screeched, completely aghast. “He’s good.”
“Oh.” Turning playful, I motioned again. “What about her?”
This time Sarah laughed and nudged my shoulder, scolding me. “She’s good too.”
Making a sound of exasperation, I asked, “If there are so many good guys on the show, then what’s taking them so long to catch the bad guy?”
“Shh,” she hissed before ruffling my hair, letting me know she wasn’t mad but she really did want me to shut up so she could concentrate on the unfolding storyline.
I gave a silent laugh and scooted closer to her so I could wrap my arm around her waist and snuggle my face against her shoulder. “Sorry,” I whispered. “I’ll stop talking now. I swear.”
As if she knew what I needed most, she hugged my head and kissed my hair. “Love you, Bubba.”
I squeezed my eyes closed, soaking those words in. “Love you, to
o,” I managed to reply, swallowing repeatedly in an effort not to get choked up, because this girl right here was my entire world.
I would fuck my way through every rich person in a fifty-mile radius if it meant keeping Sarah happy and healthy. She was why I was so nervous about college. What if I was making the wrong decision by going back to school? What if my sister had some medical emergency and Mom wasn’t there for her, so it all landed on my shoulders to take care of everything?
I couldn’t imagine making the same cash I did from selling myself as I would any other occupation I attempted, so why was I even bothering to try college to find something else? The idea of losing my security scared me.
But continuing my life this way tore a piece away from my soul, bit by bit, with every new client I took on.
I needed out. For my own sanity, my own future, I needed to stop.
And yet I couldn’t let my family down, which meant starting college felt like the most selfish thing I’d ever done.
The war inside me raged as my sister’s smell filled my senses. I wanted to provide a sturdy foundation for her so she never had to worry about anything. All the while, I wondered how I could do that if I went crazy, because the wad of bills in my pocket currently digging into my hip was a fresh reminder of how desperately I was suffering, slowly and bitterly, dying from the inside out.
With all that cash, I knew I could buy my sister another month of medicine and doctors’ appointments and pay off hospital bills. I could provide for my family. So I couldn’t regret what I’d done. It had been worth it. But how long did I have to keep doing it? And more importantly, how much could I take before I broke completely? I needed out, or maybe I needed someone to tell me I’d done enough and could stop now. I needed something new and different that gave me peace.
Fuck, I needed a miracle.
