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“This has been the worst night of my life,” I said. “No matter how much times passes, I’ll always look back and remember how much awful stuff has happened in the past few hours. And I refuse to spoil our first kiss with all that filth surrounding it. Kissing you should be full of nothing but amazing memories.”
Ryder closed his eyes and lowered his face until he rested his forehead against my temple. I stole the moment to smooth my fingers over his cheek. The bristly feel of beard stubble surprised me. We were grown-ups, yet still children, and yet neither, stuck in that space between infancy and adulthood, confusing and murky, where some tried to grow up too fast, others too slow, and the rest of us were wedged in the middle, not sure which way to go.
“Will you ev
er tell me what happened to you tonight?” Ryder asked into the bathroom where the trickle of water still running in the sink muted the sound of our constant sniffling.
I stared at the shower curtain hiding the inside of his bathtub. “I don’t think I can talk about it tonight. It’s still too…”
“Fresh?”
Exactly.
He winced as he pulled back enough to look deep into my eyes and seemed to inspect my soul for damage. “But you’re sure you’re okay?”
With a nod and a forced smile, I assured him. “I’m fine now. I think I just…overreacted.”
Except I hadn’t. Barry had kissed me. No matter how I looked at it, that’s what had happened.
As the questions and uncertainties rolled through me, the fear and pain crept back into my system. Shutting all those thoughts down, I focused on Ryder and took in his worried gaze as he watched me.
We really needed to get off the bathroom floor before my frozen butt went numb.
Without speaking a word, I pushed to my feet and held a hand down to him. He mutely took my fingers and pulled himself upright, blindly letting me lead him to…wherever.
After shutting off the faucet, I took him to his bed.
When I pulled the sheets back for him, he automatically slid under the covers. The light from the bathroom filtered over his face. I watched him stare up at me with red, puffy eyes and the most solemn, heart-rending expression. As I tucked the blankets in around him, he continued to watch me.
“Thank you,” he said before letting out a long sigh and closing his eyes.
I nodded and made my way to the couch.
Chapter 21
I have no hue. I’m colorless, invisible. My mother looks right through me, refuses to stop and listen to what I’m not saying.
* * * *
Warm and cozy, I didn’t want to move, didn’t want to open my eyes to a new day, didn’t want to face reality. But it was morning and I needed to get home. Mom was probably freaking out, wondering where I was.
So I opened my eyes and stared directly across the room at Ryder’s face. In his sleep, he faced me, looking peaceful and perfect, his light brown hair settling into a fetching, scattered mess across his head with his dark eyebrows peeking through and his eyelashes resting against the tops of his cheeks. He slept with his mouth open but not gaping, just enough to show off a bit of his upper teeth and let air in. The blankets I’d piled on him only hours ago hid the rest of him under a bulk of blue covers.
I wanted to remain on his couch, inhale his scent from the pillow under my head, and continue staring at him for the rest of my life. But we’d both get into major trouble if I lingered much longer.
Slinking as quietly as possible, I crawled out from under the throw blanket, folded it, and set it as neatly as possible on top of the borrowed pillow. After I changed back into my clothes in his bathroom, I copped a sweatshirt out of his laundry hamper and pulled it over my head, seriously doubting he’d get mad at me for borrowing it.
After tiptoeing back into Ryder’s bedroom, I crept to his window and glanced at him one last time. He looked so serene and relaxed; I hoped he rested for a while longer. He needed the recuperation.
It was still cold out, and the walk home took about twice as long as it had taken the night before.
I wasn’t sure what to expect when I returned to Barry’s. Maybe a police car out front and my mother tearfully describing the last thing I’d been wearing. But nothing looked out of the ordinary.
Everything inside me had changed, and yet nothing here looked different. I peeked into the garage window and spotted Mom’s car parked beside his. Glad she was home, I had nearly walked in the front door, ready to get a tongue-lashing when it struck me.
What if they didn’t even know I was gone? My mom hadn’t gotten off work until two a.m. and Barry thought I’d probably locked myself in my room all night.
Changing my course, I scurried around the side of my house to where my window still hung open a crack. I wedged my frozen fingers into the fissure and pushed up with all my might. It wasn’t as easy to crawl inside as it had been to crawl out last night. For a moment, I didn’t think I was going to be able to hike myself up onto the ledge. But the more I worked, the more I panicked, and the stronger my adrenal glands pumped. The boost to my system heaved me up and finally I was in, tumbling inside with an audible thump.
