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Dear Jackhole,
Why?
WHY?
Sincerely,
Bentley.
As I finished, I set the pen down on the table next to me and folded the note into thirds.
Aspen smiled fondly across the table. “Go ahead and leave it on his pillow where he’ll find it.”
I nodded, then thanked her before doing exactly what she suggested.
Then I walked home in a much more pensive and sober mood than I’d been in when I had arrived.
The next day at school, I found a note in my locker as soon as I opened the door, as if it had been poked in through the vents at the top. I knew it was from him the moment I saw it, so I didn’t even bother to open it. I just tucked it into my purse to save for reading when I got home.
And of course, I then had to live through the longest day of classes ever. What felt like five years later, after the bell rang, I hurried home and slipped into my room, locking the door behind me so I could read in private.
“I swear,” I muttered to myself as I crawled onto my bed to get comfortable. “If he only said why what? back to me, I’m going over to his house right now and hurting him.”
Once I was situated and ready to read, I began to unfold the note carefully.
“Holy…” I started, eyes bulging when I saw it was two pages long, filling in both the front and back.
Relieved air hissed from my lungs. But thank goodness. He’d taken the question seriously. Waiting to read his letter until now had been worth the wait after all.
Swallowing once, I dove in.
Dear Bentley,
I’m not sure what you’re asking why about, but I’ll try to answer as many of them as I can. I owe you that much, at least.
Maybe you want to know why I have always treated you differently than I treat everyone else.
That’s because I AM a jackhole. (And just to be clear, ALL the whys can actually be answered with this explanation, but I’ll give you the long answers too). It’s
also because you have always stood out to me, differently from all the others. It’s not just because you’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen or that your red hair and bright blue eyes immediately catch my attention, either. I’m just ultra-aware of YOU whenever you’re there. It’s like a caffeine high without drinking any caffeine. And probably twice as addictive. Your voice doesn’t sound like anyone else’s in my ears. Your smile, your laugh, your smell. I don’t know how else to describe it than to say you just ARE different, and I’m unable to treat you like you’re anyone else.
So why have I always been so mean to you?
Probably because all the different emotions you stir up in me scare the shit out of me. It’s like this vulnerable weak point inside me that I can’t control or fix, and that irritates me. So I rebel against it by being mean to you. I think I’m also awful to you because a small part of me is mad at you for having this power over me that no one else does. I know that’s not fair to you and it’s in no way your fault how important I’ve made you in my own head, so I’m always trying to hide the mortifying truth. I think I figured that if I could just keep you mad at me, then you’d never figure out you could hurt me far more than I could ever hurt you. The absolute worst thing I think that could ever happen to me is if you rejected me. But if I’m always pushing you away before you even had the opportunity to reject me, then it’s kind of like I win. You don’t even get the chance to really hate me.
Yeah, that’s really stupid jackhole reasoning, isn’t it? I’m not proud of myself for it, but it’s why I treat you the way I do.
Or maybe you wanted to know why I kissed you.
God, Bent. I wish I knew. Maybe it’s because I think about it all the time, and when my head went blank of something to say to you, I just reacted and did what I’ve always wanted to do. I don’t know. But I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I promise I didn’t intend to do that. It just slipped out.
But if you want to know why I ran afterward…
Well, that’s easy. Because I’m a freaking coward. I know I’m not worthy of you. I’m a jackhole, and you’re so sweet and amazing. I know there’s no way I stand a chance with you. And I just had to escape the rejection before you could even give it. Like I always do.
I hope you don’t hate me forever for this. I really am sorry.
I don’t know what else to say but sorry. I wish I could be better. I wish I could be normal. I wish I could be worthy of you.
