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“I would be too.” Beginning to sway back and forth with her, I added, “But it’s okay to not be okay for a while. How are you, like, medically, though?”
“My body is physically healing, if that’s what you’re asking.”
“It was.”
She nodded. “It happened last week, so I’ve had a bit of time to recover.”
“How far along were you?”
“Not much further than Lucy. A little over eight weeks.”
Resting my cheek on her shoulder, I started to rub her arm. “Is that why you haven’t told anyone yet? Because of Lucy Olivia?”
Bentley let out a long sigh before answering, “Yeah. I found out I was pregnant just a few days after she announced she was. But we knew right from the beginning that it was a tubal pregnancy, so…” She shrugged. “Beau’s parents were all about his sister and her baby, and they should be; she’s going to need help raising a kid alone. We just—Beau and I—decided not to—”
“I get it,” I murmured sadly. “But still…” Sending her an arch glance, I had to add, “I wish I could’ve been there for you when it happened. You shouldn’t have had to go through it alone.”
“I wasn’t alone.” She smiled softly. “Beau was with me.”
When I sent her an incredulous glance, she laughed. “What? He was really awesome and supportive.”
I lifted my brows and shook my head. “If you say so. I just remember when we were thirteen, and he showed his undying love for you by putting gum in your hair and bugs in your chair. And let’s not forget how he recruited your own brother to help ruin your dates with other boys when you were—”
Cutting me off with another chuckle, Bentley merely shook her head. “Trust me, he’s improved in revealing his true emotions significantly since then.”
“God, I would hope so,” I mumbled, still shaking my head.
Bumping her shoulder against mine, Bentley kept laughing before she let out a long, satisfied sigh. “Thank you,” she finally said, sobering again. “I wasn’t sure how I was ever going to laugh again.”
“Well, I’m always good for reminding you what kind of buffoon you married, if that’s all it takes.”
She grinned only to sniff and wipe at her eyes. “It just hurts in my soul. You know? So much. Every time I look at Braiden, I can’t help but wonder what this one would’ve been like.”
I’d never had a miscarriage; I wasn’t certain what she was going through. But I had had a few moments of looking at other people’s children and experiencing a sad, wistful what if.
My baby-making time wasn’t over yet, but I had to be a good portion of the way through it. Sometimes I
felt a spot of anxiety as I wondered if I was ever going to get to have my own kid. Or if I was ever going to get married. Because I don’t think I’d mind having both. What if I never got over my hang-ups, though? I wouldn’t get to experience those things I’m pretty sure I wanted to experience.
A person could get lost in the rabbit hole of what if.
“It was a girl,” I announced, decisively. “And you guys would’ve named her…Briar.”
Bentley made a face. “Briar?”
I nodded. “Yep.” Because it went well with Fox. “And she’d have your red hair, of course, because your hair is kickass, but maybe her uncle Fox’s deep brown eyes.”
Lifting her eyebrows with interest, Bentley made a sound in her throat. “Oh, so you like my brother’s deep brown eyes, do you?”
You have no idea how much, I wanted to tell her.
But I waved a dismissive hand, hoping to move us past that topic. “It’s just to toss some variety in there since you, and Beau, and Braiden all three have blue eyes.”
I could totally picture her brother’s soulful eyes on some chubby-faced baby as it peered up at me and lifted its arms to be held, babbling mama the whole time.
And great, now I was delving back into my own what-if hole again.
“Okay,” Bentley agreed. “I’m beginning to see her. She’s pretty cute.”
