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“You have been,” she assured me. “You punished yourself.”
Not enough, though. I waggled my head some more, disagreeing with her. But she caught my face in her hands and softly insisted. “Yes. You have.”
My chin trembled. And I broke again. Lucy pulled me close, murmuring softly, and from there, I clung to her until I was able to pull myself back together again.
Wiping my face, I sat upright and glanced around the room, almost surprised that it was still daylight outside. It felt as if I’d been burrowed in my breakdown for days.
Vulnerable and raw, my voice shook when I looked at her, blinking when I discovered she’d been crying too. “I’m sorry,” I said. “I’m so sorry you got pulled into the middle of all this bullshit.”
“It’s not bullshit,” she insisted, shaking her head violently. “You are grieving, and all this guilt you’re heaping on to yourself is eating you alive.”
When I bowed my head, gritting my teeth and wishing I’d just straighten the fuck up already, Lucy touched my shoulder gently.
“Vaughn? You do know you’re not happier now because he’s gone, don’t you? It’s okay to move forward with your life. It’s not like you’re moving on without him. He’s still with you in everything you do. And he would want you to be happy.”
Nodding, I said, “I know. I know you’re right. But for some reason, the logical side of my brain is just not connecting with the emotional side. And I’m...I’m…”
I was struggling.
Lucy nodded in understanding. Then she took one of my hands, looked in my eyes, and said, “Like I said last night, I think your being around me is aggravating your healing process. It’s giving you guilt where you don’t need to feel guilty, and you’re backsliding. So I’m putting a pause on us. I think you need to stay away until—”
“No.” My hand locked around hers, and my stomach dipped.
Panic made my skin chill and hands shake as I imagined a world without her or Ava or a single one of her loud, intrusive family members in it. I couldn’t go through that again. I wouldn’t make it.
If she really wanted to aggravate my healing process, this was how.
“I can’t… I can’t lose you,” I begged. “Lucy, please...”
“Hey, shh.” She pressed her fingers to my lips. “No one said anything about losing me. I’ll still be here. Ava will be here. I just want you to get better, and my presence isn’t helping that. This is like the worst time ever for you to fall in love, but I promise you; I’m not going anywhere. You’ll just be better off without me until you work through—”
“No,” I repeated. “I’m not better off without you. I can work through it with you; I can. I was going to end my fucking life before you knocked on my door that day and told me you were pregnant. You gave me a reason to keep going, and you’ve given me one every single day since then. I need you.”
Lucy’s lips parted as she gaped at me. Then she blinked once and whispered, “I’m sorry, but what did you just say?”
Realizing what I had indeed blurted to her, I went mute. The color drained from my face before Lucy ripped her hands from mine and cried, “What did you just say, Vaughn?”
“Nothing,” I started, shaking my head.
But she was already asking, “What do you mean, you were going to end your life?”
My jaw went tight.
Her eyes filled with tears. She covered her mouth and whispered, “Oh my God.”
I set my hand on her knee, trying to apologize.
She gripped my fingers and shook her head. “Tell me. Tell me everything. Right now.”
“I had some rope,” I confessed, shaking my head as if it weren’t that big of a deal. “A vacuum cleaner cord. And if I had let you inside that day, you would’ve seen it hanging from the rafters in my living room.”
She closed her eyes and croaked my name, then tightened her grip on my fingers and opened her lashes to watch my face as she asked, “Have you done anything like that since then?”
I shook my head. “No. I swear. And I won’t. That was a dark day, and even I know I’ve come a long way since then. I’m better.”
“But you’ve also been backsliding,” she argued, her eyes full of fear. “I love you, Vaughn. And I never want you to have to go through anything like that.” Biting her lip, she sent me an apologetic cringe before saying, “If I asked you to talk to a therapist for me, someone I know, someone I’m sure could guide you through everything you’re having trouble dealing with, would you do it?”
My stomach turned at the idea, but Lucy was looking at me with such worry that I nodded. “Yes. I would do anything for you.” As long as I could stay with her.
