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When I drop down onto her, she welcomes me with open arms. I can feel her lips smiling at my temple and I’ve never been happier in my life. Hell, I’m not sure I’ve ever been happy. This is what it feels like, like I could erupt from contentment and love. I can say with conviction that I’ve never experienced this.
It’s all Mercy.
My Mercy.
“Marry me,” I say quietly, kissing her temple. “Trust me to spend the rest of my days making you happy.”
When she doesn’t answer right away, ice runs down my spine.
CHAPTER SEVEN
Sister Mercy
“Marry me,” he murmurs, kissing my temple. “Trust me to spend the rest of my days making you happy.”
My heart leaps in my chest.
I’ve never felt happier than I am right now, lying in this man’s arms. I don’t know how it happened, but he’s become my staunchest ally, closest friend and lover in the space of one day. If he were to leave tomorrow, I think I would crumble.
I’m also terrified to say yes to his proposal.
How can I be sure he really wants me after only one day?
How can I give up my safe hold, the church, not knowing what lies ahead?
The last time my life changed so rapidly, I felt as if the rug had been pulled out from under me. I went from a normal life to an isolated one of frugality and prayers and women four times my age who wanted little to do with a child. But eventually it became my new normal and I’m afraid to give it up.
Furthermore, I took vows.
I promised to serve the Lord.
Can I really just cast aside that responsibility for someone who didn’t even like women up until today, seemingly? What if he changes his mind? After one day with him, he already holds my heart in his hands. How would it feel to be abandoned by him after a month? Or a year?
Therein lies my real fear. Being left behind. Set aside.
I don’t know if I can open myself up for the pain.
At least I know the convent is safe and will never abandon me.
Griffin tips up my chin, concern etched in his face. “Mercy?”
“Thank you for asking me,” I whisper, a wrench turning in my chest. “But I don’t think I can say yes.”
There’s a flash of hurt in his eyes, but he hides it quickly, transferring his gaze to the moonlit glen. “Is this because I don’t have a ring yet?”
“No. Of course not.”
“I’m going to get you one, as soon as we leave here. As big as you want.”
I push against his chest until he lets me go and climb off his lap. “You haven’t changed your opinion of women at all. You really believe I would say no to you as a way to get a-a…big, flashy ring?”
Griffin stands, refastening his pants with jerky movements. “Why the hell else would you say no?”
I stoop down and gather my robe, pulling it on over my head, then searching the ground for my discarded habit. “I’m a nun, Griffin.”
His laugh holds no humor. “You’re not a nun, Mercy.”
My breath hitches in my throat. “What does that mean?”
“If you were meant for this life, you wouldn’t have ridden my dick for broke your first time out of the gate. You need the kind of satisfaction you won’t get from reading the Bible, angel baby, and you’re going to spend your life getting it from me if I have to tie you up and kidnap you.”
“Brute,” I gasp.
“That’s right, I am.” He pounds his chest with a fist. “I’m honest about it. At least I don’t pretend to be something I’m not.”
Tears rush to my eyes, a sob wrenching from my throat.
Griffin’s face transforms, going from irritated to devastated. “Oh, Mercy, I didn’t mean it, angel baby. I’m fucking sorry.” He reaches for me, but I whirl away. “I’ve never felt like this,” he rasps behind me. “I didn’t know I could, all right? Now you’ve turned down my proposal and I’m not sure I…hell, how can you expect me to live without you now? I’m in love with you. So bad it hurts all over.”
I’m in love with you, too.
I want to say the words out loud, but my pride prevents me. He’s essentially just implied that I’m a fraud and the accusation burns, especially because…it’s the truth, isn’t it? If I was really committed to my calling, I wouldn’t have lain with Griffin in this field. I wouldn’t have raced down the stairs to meet him with breathless anticipation…the kind I never feel when attending prayers or mass.
Fraud.
The word rings in my skull.
“Mercy,” Griffin said. “Let me hold you.”
“No. I just need to be alone.”
He curses under his breath. “I’ll go insane if you leave hurt like this.” I hear him swallow. “I don’t think you understand exactly how deeply this love runs. I’m not sure if I can control what I’ll do if you won’t see me. You’ve obsessed me.”
