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“Why do they always overstuff these things?”
I was sure it was all just packaging until my hand hit a long box, and I pulled it out and saw the writing on it.
“The Jurassic Poke. This oversized dildo would have been considered a wooden club favored by the cave dwellers of the Stone Ages. Don’t panic, this isn’t intended to do harm, but it will bring you the pleasure cavewomen experienced after their men went out hunting and gathering for them.”
Bursting out laughing, I turned the box around, seeing more and more cringe-worthy text on it. “Who the hell comes up with this shit?”
Any and all laughter was cut off as I turned it over and got a look at the dildo through the transparent front.
Listen, to each their own, but with the size of the thing, there was no way anyone would have been able to fit it inside their bodies without ending up on some wall of shame in an ER department. Well, for those of us with mere mortal vaginas instead of superhero sized ones, it wasn’t happening. Depending upon your career and/or hobbies, maybe you could, but mine definitely could not.
Still, curiosity dictated I had to unbox it and see the full potential of the thing, didn’t it? So, doing just that, I lifted the lid and pulled it out.
The childish side of me also dictated that I wiggle it around…
“Fucking hell, this thing could influence the tides.”
It wasn’t a sex toy. It was an offensive weapon.
Almost like I was being judged and punished by whoever was watching over me at that moment, the lights cut out, and I was left sitting on my knees in the middle of the living room, with the Jurassic Poke as my only form of comfort. To be fair, it was big enough to cuddle like a teddy bear, but I refrained from doing that—just.
The scary movie I’d watched with my sisters two nights ago when Canon had to work late hit me, so I took my comfort-cock and crawled backward until my ass hit the wall. This way, no psycho or scary fictional freak could sneak up on me.
God, if that happened, my poor parents would have to identify me in the morgue with my rigor mortised hand clutching the mother of all fake penises. They’d have to bury me with it, and I wasn’t sure there was a minister or pastor anywhere who’d turn a blind eye to my choice of coffin buddies. Well, unless they were female.
Remembering my phone was in my purse, which was still lying next to the box my new friend had arrived in, I was contemplating crawling to get it when I heard the handle on my door start turning.
It was instinct that made me stand up as quietly as I could, then flatten myself against the wall next to the door as it began to open.
It was pure self-preservation that made me swing my arm back as far as I could and then launch it forward, hitting my attacker with the Cro-Magnon cock.
The person never saw it coming, but the voice yelling, “Fucking stop!” as I continued using it as a single woman’s sword, jabbing and thwacking anywhere I could, proved I didn’t need to see to hit the mark.
Through my frantic swings, I heard a feline war cry followed by a more human one, and I felt smug and grateful to Damian for his psychopathic tendencies.
It wasn’t until the lights blinked back on that I thought to look at details of my attacker, so I could relay it to the police when I ran and locked myself in the bedroom in a sec—
Seeing Canon with his arms raised over his head and Damian attached to his leg, I stopped my arm mid-swing, wincing when the giant dildo still managed to hit him, thanks to its length.
“Uh…”
“I came home to tell you the electric company said there might be some issues with our electricity tonight because there was a downed cable just outside of town,” he growled, pulling the Jurassic Poke out of my hand, and glaring at me.
“Ohh,” I sang, clicking my fingers. “Yeah, I got that email. I read it as I was getting into the car.”
“So, knowing that, you decided to arm yourself with this and beat the shit out of the first person you saw?” he asked, shaking it around and narrowly missing me with it.
God, it really was huge.
“Jacinda, stop staring at it and answer the damn question.”
“Well, I technically didn’t arm myself with it. It was in the box in the living room when I got back. I was curious when I read the description on the box and saw it, so I took it out to take a look. You just happened to come in at a bad time.”
