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Why didn’t I remember the feeling until now?
A flash of guilt reminded me I wasn’t allowed to be happy. I’d never thought to ask myself why. Why couldn’t I have something, someone, strictly for the joy of it? Why was I punishing myself? What had I done to deserve it?
When I did, that little voice in the back of my mind had nothing to say.
Maybe this was my chance. And I wasn’t going to waste it.
The house was quiet when she knocked on the door, and I opened it to find her just as brilliant as she ever was, fresh as the flower of her name, bright as the sun in June. And throughout the end of cooking dinner and then enjoying it together, I watched her with fascination. The way she cut her steak. The way she covered her mouth with the back of her hand when she laughed with a full mouth. The way the dim light of the dining room kissed the tip of her nose, the top of her cheeks, the bare curves of her shoulders.
My memory had been wiped clean like a chalkboard, leaving only the quiet reminder of what once was.
It was presence, an absolute being, the absence of future or past. Just Daisy laughing at my terrible jokes with earnest appreciation. Just the light in her eyes and that changed smile, the one that was freshly mine.
After living so long in the emptiness of my past, it felt like an awakening.
Our dinner was done, our plates empty. She sat back in her chair at the head of the table, and I leaned back in mine, at her right hand.
She was in the midst of telling me about her sisters’ reactions to the news.
“Jo,” she continued, “took a victory lap around the house yelling We did it! I’m not sure when my love life became a team sport. We’re a little too involved in each other’s business, but they really went above and beyond the call of duty.”
“It’s me who was the problem. I mean, you flat-out asked me to date you at dinner, and I said no like a fool. I didn’t even mean it.”
“You didn’t?”
I shook my head. “All I did between leaving the restaurant and kissing you in the barn was beat the shit out of myself over it.”
“You did a good job convincing me you weren’t interested.”
“To be fair, I didn’t know if your heart was in it. You seemed unbothered when I turned you down. Figured you really did just want to be friends.”
“Guess I’m a decent actor too.” She wore that sweet smile, touched with mirth at the corners. “If you’d told me that night I’d be sitting here right now after the day we had, I’d have called you a liar.”
“I should have taken you on a date first. But I couldn’t stop myself.”
“Keaton, that kiss was the most right thing that’s happened to me in a very long time.” I met her eyes as she continued. “Dinner would have made it less right. All that ceremony, who’s it for? I don’t need it. I get the sense you don’t either.”
I considered it, thinking through what would likely have been a quiet, stunted dinner conversation and a kiss at the end. Today, I’d been stripped bare by circumstance, with no armor to protect me from myself. That kiss was honest, more honest than anything I’d said or done in so long that I didn’t remember how it felt to show someone the truth of what you wanted and have it returned.
“Quit feeling bad about it,” she said on a laugh, guessing my thoughts. “My mama doesn’t think less of you for not taking me on a date before ravaging me in a barn.”
One of my brows rose. “Your mama knows you were ravaged today?”
“Well, she thinks we just kissed, but that doesn’t change much.”
“I think she might disagree.”
“Lucky for us, she’ll never know.”
I assessed her, amused. “Ravaged, huh?”
“Oh, yes. That was absolutely a ravaging. I’m surprised you didn’t actually tear my clothes trying to get at me.”
“God bless what little restraint I did have.”
“Coming home looking like I’d been mauled would have been more difficult to explain to Mama.”
We shared our laughter, then fell into a comfortable silence.
“I’m glad you came tonight,” I said after a moment. “We didn’t really talk about … well, we didn’t decide what this is.”
“We kinda still haven’t,” she teased. “You really thought I wouldn’t want to see you?”
“I was around sixty percent sure you did. But that forty percent is loud.”
“I know what you mean. I was certain you were gonna realize what you were doing and quit me right there in the middle of everything. I might have killed you.”
A laugh barked out of me. “I did see some pitchforks on the wall.”
