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“Why not just tell him that?”
“I did. I tried to. I will. I want to.” I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath. There were so many words and thoughts rocketing through my mind, I had a hard time focusing on just one. “But how can I explain what I’m feeling when I don’t have the right vocabulary? I don’t know how I identify. I just know how I feel.”
“Oh, my god! You are so freakin’ adorable right now, I don’t even care that you’re not going to fuck me.” He pursed his lips like he was pondering this. “Or, okay, I almost don’t care. I think you need to tell your friend exactly what you told me. Like, ‘Bestie, I have real feelings for you. Sexual feelings and big love feelings. What say we give it a try?’ Like that.”
I couldn’t sit still, so I stood up and selected another log for the fire before grabbing the poker to arrange it just so. “He won’t believe me. I know him better than I know myself, and right now, he’s thinking this is a rebound thing, that I’m freaking out because of what happened with the wedding.”
“Whose wedding?”
I poked the log harder until a chunk of bark flew off and hit the back wall of the fireplace with a thunk. “Mine. I was supposed to get married last weekend. But the bride called it off at the last minute, which was the best possible thing she could have done. I’d been going along with the marriage thing because I love her and didn’t want to let her down, but I wasn’t in love with her. And if I’m being honest, looking back, I think I’ve always been in love with my best friend, but I haven’t let myself realize it because I thought I was straight and he was gay and there would never be a chance for us.”
There was a long silence before BJ’s surprised whistle cut through the air. “Oh, honey. You are a hot mess, aren’t you?”
I turned to blink at him. Why was he having such a hard time understanding what a shitshow this was? “That’s what I’m saying.”
BJ took a sip of the raspberry bubble water I’d brought him. The canned beverage was something Julian liked and kept on hand at all times, but I thought it tasted like a faded fruit mirage pressed flat by bald tires.
“Maybe he’s right,” BJ said, watching for my reaction. “How can you be sure you aren’t freaking out post-wedding cancelation? Wait. Wasn’t Valentine’s last weekend? You got jilted on Valentine’s Day?”
“Who cares about Valentine’s Day?” I barked. I was sick to death of the Valentine’s thing. I’d be happy if I never saw another cartoon heart as long as I lived.
He nodded. “Fair enough. I can see how you’d be a little soured on the holiday. But back to the crux of the thing. I’m not sure the week after a failed wedding is the time to make lifelong declarations to another person regardless of their gender.”
“I agree with you, in general. For most people, this would be ridiculous. But for us… it just seems right. Necessary.” Holding Julian in my arms had been the best, the most natural thing to do. Kissing him, touching him, pleasing him had been freeing and mind-blowing at the same time.
I bit my lip before continuing. “He was gonna use this week to get over me, BJ. He’s had feelings for me for years, but he stuck by me anyway because he cares about me that much. He was going to watch me marry someone else because he thought I was in love with her. I can’t imagine how much it must have hurt. And I don’t want him to go another minute without knowing how I really feel.”
“How long have you two been best friends?” he asked. BJ’s calm demeanor was contagious. I felt myself relaxing now that we were no longer talking about what I did or didn’t need to do at this moment.
“Since first grade.”
“Wow. That’s a long time.”
I nodded. “It’s always been him. He’s my family. He’s my… everything.”
BJ shifted on the sofa before reaching for the blanket at the other end and spreading it over his legs. “Then how did you end up engaged to the woman?”
I thought back to high school. The homecoming dance. I’d thought about asking Julian to go with me, because he was simply the person I most wanted to hang with at any event like that.
I told BJ about it. “But Erin—who was part of our group of friends—asked me to the dance as her date. And I thought she was cute. I was attracted to her more than I’d been attracted to anyone up to that point, since I was kind of a late bloomer. So I said yes. And we went. We kissed, and it was hot. After that, it was just so easy. When she wanted to suck me off a couple of years later, I was thrilled. And when she wanted to have sex even later still, I was even more ecstatic. I had Jules as my best friend, my forever person, and Erin as my best girl. I wasn’t in love with her… or I guess it was more like I thought caring about someone and also enjoying sex with them was what people meant when they talked about being in love.”
