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I wasn’t sure exactly what to say.
I’d spent a lot of time on my endless flights thinking about Erin and me also. But my conclusions could not have been more drastically different than hers.
Our friends figured I was able to get through to Erin better than anyone because she and I were so in love. I’d thought that, too. But even after two days with Jules, I knew better.
Realizing I was in love with Julian had been like tuning the channel on an old radio just a tiny bit so that the song came in clear. He’d always been my best friend, my other half, and now I knew that all along he’d had the potential to be so much more than that, I just hadn’t been able to understand it properly.
What I had with Erin had never been like that, even on our best days. We liked each other. We loved each other. We were incredibly good at distracting each other. But the reason we kept coming back to each other was because what we shared had never been serious enough to threaten my relationship with Julian… and had never forced Erin to make a decision about what she wanted her life to look like. Maybe what kept Erin coming back to me time after time was the fact that I cared enough to ride to her rescue but not enough to make demands of her when I got there.
It was hilarious that Julian and I in two days had already decided where we’d live and started putting down roots in our new town… but Erin couldn’t tell me where our “perfect life” was going to take place once our honeymoon was over.
Erin tilted her head. “You’re smiling. Does that mean we’re okay? Because I was thinking… maybe we could get married here. Arrive back home with it already behind us. Mom and Dad would be relieved, and that way, we don’t have to go through the whole wedding weekend thing again.”
I picked up her hands and kissed the back of them before squeezing them and setting them back on the table. “I love you, so very much. But we’re not meant to be together like that. I know that now. And I think you do, too, but you’re scared. You’re scared of the unknown and of being alone. But you’re not alone. You still have me. You still have your parents, who love you, and all of our friends who think the world of you.”
A tiny crinkle appeared above her eyebrows. “No. Don’t say that. You’re the one for me. You always have been. Even when I’ve fallen for other guys, it’s always been you.”
I shook my head and gave her a soft smile. “You wouldn’t have fallen for those other guys if it was meant to be me. You wouldn’t have kept looking for something better. And right now, you’re looking for safety and comfort. I get it, believe me, I do. But you can have the safety and comfort of our friendship without us marrying.”
She pulled her hands away from mine. “You’re mad at me.”
“Not one single bit. I’m grateful to you. Canceling the wedding was brave, braver than I could have ever been. But it was one of the best things that could have happened to me because it made me realize something important. All this time, I already had a life partner. I just didn’t see it for what it was.”
I took a breath and continued, not wanting to upset her but needing her to understand why the two of us wouldn’t end up together. “But I see it now. And I want it. Erin… I’m in love with Julian.”
She blinked at me uncomprehendingly for a beat before her forehead crinkled even more. “Julian?”
The server delivered my drinks, and I took a long slug of the cocktail before offering it to Erin. She shook her head. “I don’t understand. You and Julian? Like… dating?”
That word was very small for something so big, so incredibly monumental and life-changing. But it was accurate. I nodded. “Yes. And I don’t want to cause you any pain, but loving him has helped me to see that what you and I had wasn’t enough. For either of us. You have a big love out there somewhere, Erin. Someone who’s going to take your breath away, and you’ll wonder how you ever thought this—” I gestured between us. “—could be love. It never was, which is why we kept breaking up and trying again.”
“But Jules… is a guy. And you’re…” She seemed to realize what she was saying. “Are you attracted to him? Like that?”
I nodded, trying not to look like a bobblehead. “Very much so. And I have been attracted to him like that in the past, too. I just pushed it aside because I was scared to mess up the friendship we had. I kept going back to the status quo whenever things started to get too real.”
