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“That sounds like a damn good plan. And you weren’t out of control or crazy. You were simply adhering to the three Hs.”
“The three Hs?”
“You’re human, you were horny, and it’s hump day.” He grinned.
I shook with laughter. “Well, that explains it. Thanks for the insight.”
He squeezed my side. “You knew exactly where to go, too. You have needs. And I’m so happy to be the person you chose to meet them.”
Troy lowered his mouth to my breast and sucked my nipple. Bending my head back, I let out a sigh of pleasure, dumbfounded at how quickly I was ready for round two as I raked my fingers through his silky hair.
Troy spoke into my chest. “I’m sorry I slipped inside you with nothing when you first got here. That was irresponsible, even if it was only a few seconds.”
“It’s okay. I’m on the pill.”
He looked up at me. “You never mentioned it.”
“Yeah. I’ve wanted to be extra careful.”
“Makes sense. But that’s good to know. I don’t have to worry anymore about the miniscule chance that I fucked up earlier.”
His eyes bore into mine. It was hard to lie with him in this intimate place and not let my mind wander to all the what-if questions. My body hadn’t been the only thing bursting with energy today. My heart had been working overtime, too.
“Okay, I can see the wheels turning in your head.” He straightened up a little. “Talk to me, Aspyn.”
“I feel like I’ve been kidding myself this whole time,” I said.
A look of concern crossed his face. “In what way?”
“Convincing myself that I can just have some fun with you and not get attached.”
“And you worry that getting attached is a bad idea.”
“Yeah, but it’s hard work trying not to get attached.”
“Maybe you should get attached then.”
I already am.
“You’re not the only one feeling like this.” He stared deeply into my eyes. “Give me something, Aspyn.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean…I feel like I’ve opened up to you a little, and you haven’t done the same. Tell me what you’ve been keeping inside.”
I sighed, not looking forward to this. “Maybe you should ask me what you want to know.”
“I want to know about your life after high school before we reconnected. It’s like a black hole you don’t talk about.”
“That’s exactly what it feels like. A black hole. Mainly because I’ve blocked a lot of it out.”
“Why?”
I brushed my finger along his chest. “After high school, things didn’t go as planned. I ended up taking a couple of years off instead of starting college right away. I fell into the wrong crowd and partied a lot, which was the opposite of me in high school. It was like I was going backwards. I wasn’t using drugs or anything, but there was a lot of drinking.”
“We’ve all done shit we regret,” he said. “Believe me, I had my share of drunken nights in my early twenties.”
He has no idea where I’m going with this. “The night my sister died, she and her boyfriend had been on their way to pick me up from a party, because I was too drunk to drive myself home.”
Troy pulled me closer. “I see…”
“Nothing was ever really the same again after that night. I stopped going out. I stopped everything. Everything just…stopped.” A tear rolled down my cheek. “This is very difficult for me to talk about, Troy. Because I’ve never stopped blaming myself. The only time I don’t blame myself is if I block it out. So, that’s what I do.”
He squeezed my side. “It wasn’t your fault, Aspyn.”
“On a rational level, I know I didn’t cause the accident. It was a rainy night, and their car flipped. I have no idea how fast Toby was driving. But the fact remains that they wouldn’t have been out in that rain in the first place if it weren’t for me.” I stared off. “I thank God every day that they didn’t have Kiki with them. They’d left her with my parents that night.” I shook my head. “It’s so cruel that I get to see her grow up, and they can’t. You talk about feeling unworthy—I feel the same, but for a different reason.”
Troy’s eyes glistened. “Life can be cruel. There’s no doubt about that. Unimaginable shit happens. But no one deserves to blame herself for the rest of her life for something that isn’t her fault. We don’t understand why we’re put here on this Earth or why some people are suddenly taken away. It could have been your sister’s time to go, regardless of where she was headed that night. Maybe that sounds hokey, but what if it’s true, and you’ve been blaming yourself? We can’t know anything for certain. I realize that’s not necessarily gonna make you feel better, but that’s one truth in life—that we don’t know anything. So why not assume it’s okay to let go of the guilt because there’s nothing you could have done?”
