Page 92 of The Assignment

“He told me a lot of things I didn’t know. My mother lived with more regret when it came to me than I’d ever imagined. I’ll tell you more about that someday, if you want, but now’s not the time.” I reached into my pocket. “Look what he gave me.” I held out the dragonfly. “He said it was one of her favorite pins.”

Aspyn took it from me. “It’s so pretty.”

“He wasn’t sure if she loved dragonflies or what the story was behind it. I decided to look up what dragonflies symbolize. Apparently, they represent change, transformation, and self-realization. Those are the things I’ve felt happening to me over these past four months. It took me coming home and connecting with you to realize that all the things I thought I wanted in life—money, independence—they mean shit. Just like they meant shit to my mother in the end. All she wanted on her deathbed was for me to know she loved me. I just didn’t get there in time to find out.”

Aspyn nodded sympathetically. After a long moment of silence she finally said, “I still don’t understand. What’s going on, Troy? What do you need to say to me that you couldn’t before Christmas?”

I put my mug down. “The night I first told you I was going back to Seattle for a couple of weeks, the night you opened up to me about what happened to you senior year—you mentioned how one decision could change the entire course of your life. You said you believed your cheating on that exam ultimately led to all the things that came after, including what happened to your sister and the life you live now. Do you still believe that?”

She looked away. “Well, I’ll never know for certain what my life would be like if that hadn’t happened. But it’s safe to assume things would be different if I’d gotten that scholarship and gone to Princeton. I’ll never be able to say for certain that my sister would still be here if I hadn’t made that one choice, but I do believe she would.”

I took a long, slow breath in and exhaled. “If you believe getting caught cheating changed everything for you, I have to let you know that I’m the reason for that.”

Her eyes widened. “What are you talking about?”

“I didn’t remember what I’d done until you told me that story. I did and said so many shitty things back in high school, never anticipating that any of them could have dire consequences.”

Her mouth slowly opened. “What are you saying?”

My heart pummeled my chest. “I was the one who ratted you out for cheating.”

Aspyn took a few steps back, her face turning redder by the second. “What?”

“I was in that class, too. You probably didn’t remember, because who the hell remembers who was in what class in high school. I was sitting behind you, and I saw you and that girl passing notes during the exam. I passed my own note to the teacher, and that was what tipped her off. I was so proud of myself for getting back at you. I had no freaking clue what was at stake, no clue that you were up for any scholarship, or that you were already accepted into Princeton. I just thought it was…funny.” I laughed angrily. “Can you imagine? I actually got pleasure out of something that ended up ruining your life.”

Aspyn dropped her head into her hands. “Oh my God.”

Pain shot through my body. I wanted to reach out and hug her, but feared I’d make this worse if I touched her.

“When you told me the story and I remembered what I’d done, I wasn’t sure if I could ever admit this to you. I couldn’t bear to risk you hating me forever. I’ve spent my entire time out in Seattle debating the right choice—and until I knew what to do, I didn’t know how to talk to you. It felt wrong to try to stay in your life, even though I missed you terribly. I kept going round and round: would I rather not tell you, living without you but knowing you didn’t hate me for ruining your life? Or risk telling you, in the hopes that you’d forgive me and still want to be with me?” My voice shook. “Ultimately, I knew I couldn’t face you again unless I told you the truth. It’s just taken me this long to build up the courage.”

I’d wondered if maybe she’d cry when I told her, but Aspyn just seemed numb. Or maybe it was strength.

She looked up at me. “I don’t know what to say,” she whispered.

“You don’t have to say anything. You owe me nothing.”

She shook her head. “I’m just trying to understand the timeline. So…this wasn’t the reason you initially were going to leave? But once you found out, you decided to go early?”

“Yes. After I left the night you told me about the scholarship, my panic over the possible repercussions grew. I knew I needed to work things out away from you. I really did have to go back to Seattle for a work meeting, and I never intended to leave you for more than those two weeks. But once you opened up to me, and I realized my part in it, that sent me into a tailspin. I didn’t know how to handle it. It wasn’t until I went to Boston and learned the lesson my mother had indirectly taught me that I decided to take the risk. I had to take the risk that you might hate me, in order to have a chance to love you.”

Aspyn remained silent.

“It’s more important to me that you know I love you, even if you hate me. I’m so sorry I disappeared, but know that every second of it was torture. Also know that I will fully understand if you can’t find it in your heart to get past what I did. If there is anything I could take back in this life, it would be that decision—more than any other decision I’ve ever made.”

She swallowed. “I can understand now why you didn’t want to tell me before Christmas.”

As the tension in the air lingered, I didn’t know whether to go or stay. “Tell me what you need from me right now.”

She took what felt like a full minute to answer, and when she did, it wasn’t what I wanted to hear.

“I need to be alone for a while.”

While that hurt, I understood. “Okay.” I nodded. “I’ll leave.”

I walked out of there filled with fear over losing her forever, but I was at peace after having told her the truth. Life was too short to live a lie. I’d spend the next several hours, maybe days, praying she decided to forgive me.

• • •

Two days passed, and I’d still heard nothing from Aspyn. But I vowed to continue giving her space. In the meantime, I had some business to take care of.

There was probably one person who hated me more than I hated myself right now. So why not pay her a visit? Things couldn’t get any worse anyway.

“What are you doing here?” she asked, looking completely shocked to see me at her door.

You know how you can just feel it when someone despises you? It emanates off of them? Well, that’s the vibe I was getting right now.

“I’m sorry if I’m interrupting something,” I told her. “I was hoping we could talk.”

“I just put my daughter down for a nap.”

“Can I come in?”

Jasmine moved aside as I wiped my feet on the welcome mat.

“May I sit?”

She gestured to the couch, and I walked over and took a seat.

I rubbed my palms on my pants. “I never apologized for hurting you back in high school. And I feel like it’s long overdue.”

“Now?” Jasmine crossed her arms. “That’s really not necessary.”

“Maybe you don’t feel that it is, but it’s necessary for me.” Taking a breath in, I said, “I was a dick back then, with no regard for your feelings. I was going through a lot of shit, and even though that’s no excuse for my behavior, just know that my actions were in no way a reflection on you.”

She sighed. “I never took it personally, especially given the person you cheated on me with.” She rolled her eyes. “This apology is obviously not about me, though, is it? It’s about Aspyn.”

“Have you spoken to her?”

“Not since the holiday party I had before Christmas.”

For some reason, I’d feared Aspyn had called Jasmine to lament in the couple of days since I dropped that bomb on her. But I should’ve known better. Aspyn was private, and something told me that despite everything, she was still protecting my reputation.

“It’s important to me that you know I’m not toying with her feelings. I love her, Jasmine. You have every right to your opinion about me. But if you think I’m trying to take her for a ride, you’re wrong.”

I spent the next several minutes admitting to Jasmine why I’d lied to her about my mother when she and I dated, trying my best to explain my actions during high school. I ended with an explanation of the current situation.

“So, you don’t know if she’s going to forgive you?” Jasmine asked.

“I don’t. But I’d appreciate it if you can find it in your heart not to make things worse, if she talks to you about it. You’re entitled to your opinion about me. I’m just asking that you not feed her unsolicited advice based on your old, preconceived notions. None of those are true anymore. And no matter what you think, it doesn’t change the fact that I love her. Only I can know the truth about that.”

I heard crying from down the hall.

“I have to tend to her.” Jasmine stood up. “Look, I won’t interfere. And I respect you for coming over to apologize to me, even if it was only out of fear that I’d fuck things up for you. You’re right. I would’ve told her to ditch you otherwise. So I appreciate the explanation. And we won’t have a problem if you’re being genuine.”

She saw me to the door.

Before I walked away, I turned around. “Thank you, Jasmine. Truly.”

“Just for the record, I still think you’re a dick. And I always will. But if you don’t hurt her again, I won’t interfere.”

I cracked my first smile since arriving at her house. “I think we have a deal.”

• • •

When I pulled up to my father’s house a little while later, the last thing I expected was to see Aspyn outside.

I parked and rushed out of my car. “How long have you been waiting here?”

She pulled her brown peacoat closed. “About ten minutes. I know you went to see Jasmine. She called me after you left New Hope.”

“Yeah. I just got back from there. What are you doing, waiting out in the cold?”

Her teeth chattered. “The cold air calms my nerves for some reason.”

“What are you nervous about?” I waved my hand toward the door. “Come on. Let’s go in the house.”

As she stepped inside, she rubbed her hands together. “I’m surprised you went to see Jasmine.”

Her cheeks were rosy from the wind. I’d missed her so damn much.

“I had some things I needed to say,” I told her. “And I thought it would be nice if, after all these years, I finally apologized for treating her poorly. I know she’s skeptical about me, and I needed her to understand that my feelings for you are genuine and I’d greatly appreciate her not interfering.”

“I’m surprised you felt the urgent need to do that.”

“Well, I needed to do something productive while I was giving you space. I guess when something matters to someone as much as you matter to me, you want to make sure there’s nothing standing in your way. Although in this case, I realize the biggest thing standing in my way has been my own damn self.”

Her eyes traveled over me. “I thought I might hear from you over the past couple of days.”

“Really? I’ve been dying to contact you, but I thought you needed space to process what I unloaded.”

Aspyn looked down at her feet, and then back up at me. “I figured you might’ve been thinking that, which is why I decided to come over.”

I felt like my entire future was dependent on the next words to come out of her mouth. My heart felt ready to fly out of my chest.

“Do you know what the lifespan of a dragonfly is?” she asked.

My brows knitted. “No.”

“Five weeks or less. And some only last a few days. I was surprised to learn that.” She exhaled. “We’re not guaranteed any more than that ourselves, even though we go through life thinking we have all this time. I could spend the rest of my life angry at you for what you did—for yet another bad choice you made in high school.” She took a few steps toward me. “Or I can choose to forgive you.”

Hope filled me. “And?”

“I was the one who made the decision to cheat. Ultimately, I’m responsible for that, no matter what happened after. And you didn’t know the repercussions of ratting me out. Just like I didn’t know my going out drinking that night would lead to my sister and her boyfriend dying in a car accident.” Aspyn sucked in some air. “Holding grudges is a choice. I don’t want to hold this grudge. I’m choosing not to. I value this life too much to do that to myself or you. And I know in your heart you’re not that person anymore. No more than I’m the person who binge drinks and…keys cars.” She inched closer. “We’ve both made mistakes, mistakes with unintentionally serious consequences. But they happened. And holding onto them isn’t going to change anything.”

It finally felt safe to touch her. I held out my hand.

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