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He was right, of course.
After we’d met last summer at a charity gala, he hadn’t been the only option for me. He’d been the right guy at the right time on the right night. It really had been just as simple as that, and I’d been surprised when he’d gotten my number and called me a couple of weeks later.
And I’d broken my one rule: you don’t get back in bed with a man you’d already left in one.
I’d done that very thing, over and over and over and over again.
“Maybe we would have always ended up here,” Matthew said softly. “And if we have girls, that’s the children we were supposed to have.”
“But you want a boy.”
“I want a healthy baby.”
I leaned against him and wrapped my arms around his waist, squeezing my eyes shut. He gently held me against him until I was pretty sure that he was actually holding me up.
I hated this.
This vulnerability wasn’t something I was used to. I never showed it, not even to my sister, and there wasn’t a single thing in my life I’d kept from her.
Matthew made me feel like there was nothing else in this world that mattered aside from me—that no person was more important than I was, and that terrified me.
Love was about compromising, and I’d never been very good on that. I’d never been all that great at depending on another person, either, and I was doing that far more recently than I ever had in my life.
The saddest part was that I didn’t know if I was in love with him. I didn’t know what it really felt like. I’d never allowed myself to get close enough to find out because I’d never desired to have it.
Now that I had it, it scared me.
A lot.
Matthew was in love with me, and I was too scared of everything to know if I was able to say it back.
Was love supposed to be scary? Was it supposed to terrify you? Was it normal to feel nothing but fear at the idea of loving someone so completely that they became a part of you? Was it normal to fear someone loving you like that?
If it was, then maybe I did love him.
Maybe I was in love.
“Come on,” he whispered, moving my hair away from my ear. “Let’s go home. You need to eat something, even if it’s just toast, and rest.”
I nodded and slowly extracted my arms from his waist. He, however, kept one of his tight around my body, holding me against his side, and the three dogs all followed us back through the woods and to the house.
I was going to have to figure this out—and hope that he wasn’t upset by the fact I hadn’t said those three words back.
Yet.
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
MATTHEW
“Where’s Eva?” I asked Christopher as I walked into the library.
He looked over his shoulder. “She went to lie down. I believe the conversation with your grandmother was quite exhausting.”
“Every conversation with my grandmother is quite exhausting,” I said dryly. “Did they decide on the postcards?”
“Your grandmother would like to see them in colour.”
“Is she aware that she’s doing nothing but stress Eva out?”
“Yes, she is. Your mother pointed it out quite firmly as she was taking her to the pharmacy to get her heart medication.”
“Since when did Nan go to the pharmacy?”
“Since your mother physically dragged her out of the house.” He chuckled, putting the last teaspoon on the tray. “How is Eva? Elin made her some gingernut biscuits for her nausea, but I forgot to bring them with me. I’ll fetch them this evening.”
“Is Ceri there today?”
“She is.”
I smiled. “I’ll go over with the dogs this afternoon. I haven’t seen either of them in a while, and Mum won’t be bringing Nan home anytime soon.”
“No, there was a grumbling about how this was all an elaborate ploy to get her to leave Eva alone. She was most offended. Apparently, they’re collaborating.”
“Nan’s dictating, more like.”
“Funny. Your wife said the same thing.”
I eyed him. “Spit it out.”
“Spit what out?”
“Whatever it is that’s on your mind. I can see you have something to say.”
Christopher pulled his shoulders back in a small stretch before relaxing. “Forgive me for being nosy, but aside from the earlier than expected continuation of your agreement, your relationship appears to be going from strength to strength.”
“That’s one way to put it,” I said slowly.
“Are you telling me you’ve developed feelings for one another?”
I sighed and leaned against the edge of a table. “You could say that.”
Christopher’s eyebrows raised. “And what would you say?”
“I’d say that I’m so in love with her I wonder if I can think straight sometimes.”
The smile that crossed his face was slow, fatherly, and knowing. “Yes, that does tend to knock one on one’s arse when that happens.”
“You could say that. It knocked me so hard I’m in a bloody hole in the ground.”
