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Not even close.
“I know.” Tina waved the full bottle of wine. The third bottle. “None of these are working! I have an idea!”
Oh, God.
“Why don’t we bring the hot guys to Lauren?”
“Like a farm show? Or an auction?” Iz asked, ignoring Madi’s snort-laughing. “Are we going to put Lauren on a pedestal and line guys up in front of her?”
“We could send her on The Bachelor or The Bachelorette,” Madi offered. “The Bachelorette is probably better. The guys really will come to her, and have you seen the men they rustle up for that thing? It’s like a supermarket full of snacks over there.”
I had no idea what that meant.
“No, no reality shows,” I said quickly. “You guys, really, I’m good. I’m fine. You don’t need to—”
I was interrupted by a gasp from Tina. She filled up all four empty wine glasses on the table, giving Iz her second, tiny glass. Literally. It was all of two mouthfuls. I guess she wanted her to be included in whatever cockamamie plan she’d thought up now.
“We put out an ad online!”
“No.” I vehemently shook my head. “No. Absolutely not.”
“Like on Craigslist?” Madi sat upright. “That’s not a bad idea.”
“It’s a terrible idea!”
Iz leaned forward. “Actually, that’s not so bad. The chance of catfishing would be seriously reduced. Statistically, there’s a better chance of you actually meeting someone online outside of a dating website. There are no computer algorithms getting in the way and bumping page views. It’ll be actual people seeing your ad.”
What? How had this gone from getting me a date to pimping me out online?
This was escalating quickly. I wasn’t a fan of this. I wasn’t the only single one here. Why was I on the end of this?
I wanted to stamp my feet and scream into a pillow. This had not been my plan for girls’ night—I’d wanted pizza, wine, and trashy TV. What the hell had been put in the wine to give these hooligans such ideas?
“This is a terrible idea,” I said, scooting forward on the beanbag. “You cannot put an ad on a website like Craigslist and expect that I get a date.”
“No, wait.” Madi put one finger up. “A girl I work with’s sister did it. She put up an ad saying that she wanted to be someone’s date for the weekend because she was bored. She dated the guy for like eighteen months before they broke up because his work relocated him to Canada.”
This was… Wow. This really was escalating.
I wasn’t going to lie; this was getting uncomfortable. Severely so.
I took two big mouthfuls of wine. Why hadn’t I put this to a stop straight away? They were getting carried away. I couldn’t believe that they’d been talking about getting me a date for the last hour.
We’d eaten two and a half pizzas between us, and we were on wine bottle number three. Even Cara was awake and snorting to herself in her pram, sucking passionately on her pacifier. That was how riveting this conversation was.
A six-week-old baby had woken up for it.
Thankfully for me, it looked like she was on my side because the sound of the world’s biggest wet fart came from her direction.
We all froze as a rancid smell came our way.
Iz sighed, getting up. “I’ll take her upstairs and change her. Jesus, that’s like a sack of dead fish,” she muttered to herself as she grabbed the change bag and the baby.
Was this it? Had Cara done her aunt a solid and freed me from this Craigslist dating nonsense?
“Are we doing this, then?” Madi asked Tina as soon as Iz had left. “Let’s put her online looking for a date!”
Well, that was a big fat no.
“A fake date.” I was going to get my input before they got carried away. “If you’re going to pimp me out to the Internet, you can make it a fake date.”
Tina paused. “Like an escort?”
“Not like an escort,” I quickly corrected. “I’m not going to be paid. Jesus, what the hell do you think of me?”
Madi snorted wine up her nose. “Okay, no payment. So how do we word this, and where do we post it? Facebook? Instagram? Twitter? Craigslist?”
“What is your obsession with Craigslist?”
“You can get some good stuff on Craigslist. Don’t diss it ‘til you’ve tried it.”
“Great. So now I’m just good stuff?”
“All four,” Tina said brightly, putting an end to our bickering. “Why not? It’ll maximize our chances of getting Lauren the virgin over here a date.”
“A fake date!” I ran my fingers through my hair. “Oh, my God. Okay, fine. We’ll do it, but when I’m done with this shit, we’re doing the same for you two.”
“As long as I get laid, I’m good.” Madi held up her hands.
Tina wrinkled her face up. “Fine. Fair is fair.”
I pulled my laptop from under the coffee table and hauled myself over to the sofa, taking the middle cushion. Tina took the chair to my life while Madi readjusted herself on the right side of me.
