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As I sat on the curb staring at the lifeless body before me, I couldn't help but wonder if there was something I could have done to change what had happened to him. If there was any way that his death could have been avoided. That he might have had a chance at life, to love and be loved.
Not that there was much left to live for if this was what was happening to the world. Least of all love. I had a hard time believing that a world like this had a place left in it for love anymore. I wasn't even sure if there was a place left for me.
“Katy?” Lincoln crouched down in front of me and I felt my heart lighten slightly. “I know what's happened is a shock but you didn't have a choice.”
“I killed him,” I muttered.
“No. The contamination killed him,” Linc insisted.
“He just wouldn't stop,” I said. “Why wouldn't he stop?”
“Because he couldn't. You can't see it as Tommy. He died when he changed.”
“How? They turned off the water days ago. How could he have been exposed?” I asked.
Lincoln took my hand. “I don't know for sure. But he was. And that's why he attacked you. You did the only thing you could to save your life and Rose’s.”
“I'm a killer,” I whispered.
“No.” Lincoln caught my chin and made me meet his gaze. “You're a survivor.” He didn't let go and held me captive in his gaze.
I stared back into his dark eyes as something hardened in my chest. It was me or him. I had tried to stop him in every way I could but it wasn't enough. Tommy had changed, the contamination had stolen everything good in him and twisted it into hate and rage. He'd even told me himself. Lincoln was right. I was a survivor. And I wasn't going to let this stop me.
Maybe nothing would ever be like it was before. And maybe the girl I was yesterday morning was gone. But I wasn't dead. And I wouldn't stop fighting until my last breath.
Chapter Thirty Three
Lincoln
We drove towards the city in silence. Katy sat beside me staring out the window but she didn't seem inclined to make conversation. I knew the burden of killing someone in combat. I also knew that the only way to live with it was to accept it. And to know that you didn't have a choice. I hoped that those were the thoughts running through her head as we drove.
“Is this what war is like?” she asked suddenly, turning to look at me.
“War? Perhaps. The mayhem, chaos, carnage, senselessness. Yeah I'd say that's what war is like. But I don't know for sure. I've only ever fought in a counter terrorist role. I did some other work too, had other assignments as well but not war.”
“But you have killed people?”
I drummed my fingers on the steering wheel and turned to look at her for a few seconds before deciding she needed to know the truth.
“I've killed thirteen,” I said slowly. “The first was a man who attempted to assassinate someone I was hired to protect. He tried to stab me and I turned his own knife on him.”
“Did he hurt you?” she asked, her fingers trailing along her jaw where a dark bruise was already forming from her run in with Tommy.
I lifted my shirt to show her the scar which lined my ribcage. She reached out and slowly ran her fingertips along it sending shivers running across my skin.
“W
hat about the other twelve?” she asked as she removed her hand and I dropped my shirt.
“The Monitor uncovered a terrorist cell hiding out near to the town I was posted in. My team were the closest so we were sent in to deal with it. We were told to surround the building while we waited for backup but they had lookouts and they spotted us. We didn't have any choice but to engage them. I led the team inside and I did what I was trained to do.” I looked out of the windscreen for a few minutes and the silence stretched again.
“I don't feel good about it,” I said eventually. “But I don't feel bad about it either. And I think that's the best you can hope for. Killing someone isn't something to be proud of but protecting people? Saving lives? That's what my actions were for. Yours too.”
“You're right,” she said, her voice holding more conviction than it had before. “If this is what we have to face then we have to do everything we can to survive it. But I'll be glad to turn my back on it when we get inside the city.”
“We’re nearly there,” I added, hoping she really would be able to forget everything once she got inside.
The roads were getting busier the closer we got to the cablecar landing zone. I joined a queue of cars that was crawling along and checked the time. It was nearly twelve. A lot later than I'd hoped to arrive.
