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22
TODD
The mower rumbles underneath my hands as I push it across our yard. Pass after pass, I move across the grass, trying to keep the lines straight. It takes every ounce of concentration I have, making it so my sole focus is on the grass and nothing else. Which is why I’m mowing the yard for the second time in five days.
My noise-canceling headphones are tight against my ears, dulling the noise of the motor. Even though they look stupid on my head, it’s nice not to have my ears ring for an hour when I’m done mowing.
Suddenly, something hits me in the back. I whip around to see what’s behind me. It’s then I see Cooper standing in my driveway, hands on his hips, a look of sheer disappointment on his face. There’s no point for him to be here. It’s not going to change anything.
I finish the last few passes on the yard since I’m almost done, then shut off the mower. I take my time putting things away, hoping maybe Cooper will get tired of waiting and leave.
It’s wishful thinking, though. I can almost guarantee he’s dead set on talking to me just by the look on his face.
“You done wasting time yet?”
“Nope. I’ve got a few more chores to finish. You might as well come back later,” I suggest, even though I know he won’t. It was still worth a try.
“Good one. How about I drag you inside by your ear since you’re acting like a sullen little kid?”
I roll my eyes at him. It’s the only comeback I have since he may or may not have a point. I sigh, nodding my head toward the house. I can’t avoid the inevitable forever, so I might as well get this conversation out of the way.
We walk inside, and I grab a glass of water from the sink, offering one to Cooper, even though I don’t want to be nice right now.
“You ready?”
“Nope,” I say, sitting down at the kitchen table.
Cooper shakes his head, continuing to stand in the middle of the kitchen, staring at me. I’m about to ask what he’s waiting for when he speaks.
“I was going to talk to you nicely. Get an idea of where your head is at…looks like I don’t have to. It’s written all over your face right now.” He pauses, most likely to get his thoughts in order. “You’re an asshole.”
My head jerks back as if he slapped me in the face with his words. “Excuse me?”
“You heard me. You’re being a selfish asshole, and honestly, I don’t even know who you are right now. You’re not the best friend I grew up with, that’s for sure.” He shakes his head again while I sit there in stunned silence. I wasn’t prepared for this conversation to go in this direction. I figured he’d try to get me to see Megan or talk about what I’m feeling. Not yell at me.
“Now that I have your attention, I’m going to give you the honest truth.”
“Like you haven’t already?” The sarcastic question jumps out of my mouth before I can filter it. I realize Cooper might be right. I am being an asshole.
A small, humorless laugh falls from Cooper. “I was so proud of how you handled the entire nightmare of Megan’s cancer diagnosis. You stood by her side the entire time. Never for one second let her believe she was fighting the battle alone. It was amazing. I was honestly a little worried you’d bail in the beginning. Now, I see you were just pretending the whole time. Waiting for the right moment to leave.
“The minute she was on the mend, you checked out, and I can’t decide if that’s worse than bailing in the beginning. Actually, it is worse because at least you would’ve had the balls to say it was too much. To let her find someone else to lean on. Instead, you let her believe you were in this for the long haul, then dropped her like a hot potato the minute she was better.”
“No, I knew she didn’t need me anymore, so I felt like I could step back, let her heal.” My defense falls a little short because it’s only part of the truth.
“What-ever,” he says like it’s two words instead of one. “You left because you got scared and couldn’t face her again. You’re no better than the people who have left you.”
I spring out of my chair and shove him across the room. “How fucking dare you!” I yell. “I’m nothing like them!”
“Oh, yeah? Then prove it. Prove it to Megan, to me, and most importantly, to yourself that you’re better than the dickwads who believed leaving would be easier!” Cooper shoves my chest in retaliation, and I freeze where I’m standing. My chest aches with wanting to go back to Megan. Seeing her again after everything that’s happened.
“I can’t,” I whisper, my voice breaking through the words.
“Why?”
“Because I can’t bear to lose her again. I barely survived this time. I won’t the next time.” I swipe at something on my face. My hand comes away wet with tears I didn’t know were there.
“What if I died tomorrow? Would you give up our entire friendship knowing I’m going to die?”
“No. You’re my best friend.”
“So, you’re going to throw away a chance at spending the rest of your life with Megan because you’re afraid she’s going to die?”
Like a punch to the gut, Cooper’s words begin swirling around my head. Would no time at all really be better than as much time as I’m allowed? Would spending the rest of my life alone be better than getting to spend it with Megan, even if she gets sick again?
“No one knows how long we’ll get with the ones we love, Todd, but at least we get to enjoy the time while they’re here.”
I fall back down on the kitchen chair as his words permeate the fog of fear and denial I’ve been living in for the past several weeks. Could it really be so simple? To just live and enjoy the time I get with the people I love instead of pushing them away to protect myself?
“God, I’ve been so stupid,” I whisper.
“There he is!” Cooper shouts, throwing his hands in the air. If I wasn’t in the middle of an epiphany, I’d laugh.
“She’s probably so pissed at me.” I find Cooper’s eyes; his facial expression confirms my theory.
“Even though she’s mad, she does understand why you ran away.”
“I didn’t run away.”
Cooper looks at me with a raised eyebrow.
“Okay, fine. I ran away. Happy?”
“Ecstatic. Now, we have to make a plan for getting your girl back.” Cooper rubs his hands together.
“I’ve got an idea.”
