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He pulls me closer. Face to face. Chest to chest. "Don't hide. Not from me, doll." It’s hard not to when I feel exposed in the most vulnerable way. He sweeps my hair away from my face. "Never be ashamed in front of me."
I don’t want to be, but I am. “Just leave my shirt on. Please…” There’s only so much I can deal with, and I’m not ready for that. I’m not ready for any of this, but… “Kiss me.”
His lips cover mine, gentle. And Jude is never gentle. He kisses me as though I'm something breakable, and I am, but I don't want to be.
When his fingers dig into my hips and his hard dick presses against me, my mind stutters. All I can see is Tom moving over me, forcing himself inside my body.
Tears sting my eyes. I tilt my head back and stare at the ceiling, trying to keep myself rooted in the moment. Here, with Jude.
Sighing, he pushes me down his thighs a little. "Tor... I can't do this."
Of course he can't. Who would want this? I’m a mess. Soiled, tainted, fucked by his enemy. Tears track down my cheeks, and I wish I could just become invisible.
"This isn't going to help you. I don't know what to do here."
Neither do I, because he can’t help me.
Is this it? Has Tom really broken me beyond repair? Am I destined to feel like this for the rest of my life? This isn't a life. This truly is hell.. I clench my fist until my nails bite into my skin and the pain grounds me.
“He's in my head, Jude. I think about it all the time." My voice hitches. "Every time I close my eyes, he's waiting.And the worst part about it... this is exactly what he wanted." Tears run down my face. "I begged him to kill me. Begged him. And he wouldn't. I’m ruined."
“You’re not ruined, Tor.”
My poor, hopeful Jude. "I am."
“No.” He cups my face, and the intensity of the way he’s looking at me threatens to bring me to my knees. “To me, you are every-fucking-thing in this goddamn world." His lips cover mine, then still. "I fucking love you, Tor." It’s the first time he’s said those words to me and it rips down some barrier inside me.
I cry deep, desperate sobs while he kisses away the anguish. He never falters, remaining strong and immovable. For me. He’s my rock, my everything.
"Tell me again," I whisper, tracing my fingers over his stubbled jaw.
"I love you." His lips move to my collarbone, peppering kisses. "I fucking need you."
My heart clenches hard. There's a moment of silence as we stare at each other, that familiar pull simmering between us. I allow myself just to feel it, to feel what I thought Tom had taken from me, but I now realize he can't take my love for Jude. What we are hasn't changed. He's still my beautiful villain, my knight in bloodied armor.
"Only you,” he says. “I’ll only ever love you."
I slam my lips over his, kissing him until all I can feel is him. My back hit’s the mattress, and then he’s sliding between my thighs, hovering over me.
His cock rubs against me through his boxers. "I fucking want you, Tor.”
I clench my jaw as my mind tries to drift. "Again," I whisper.
"I love you."
He loves me, and I want him to erase every bad memory I have and forge new ones.
"I love you, too," I say against his lips. His hands work over me, touching, caressing, teasing. My skin breaks out in goosebumps beneath his soft touch.
For the first time since it happened, I crave something besides the rage and the numbness. I want him connected to me in every possible way. I want to feel again.
He pulls away, his eyes never leaving mine as he slides his boxers off.
"You're so beautiful, Tor.” He reaches for my underwear. “Every fucking bit of you."
My breath hitches when he pulls them off, then brushes his fingers over my pussy. When he pushes his fingers inside me, a thousand feelings bombard me at once, waging a war inside my head.
"Breathe," he whispers, and I do.
I need this, I want this. He can heal a part of me that I can't heal myself.
He settles between my thighs, and I place a hand on his chest, stopping him. "You need... you need to use something. He didn’t…” I squeeze my eyes shut, unable to say the words: I might have an STD because Tom didn’t use a condom. "I'm not clean." I bite the inside of my cheek to keep the tears at bay, still unable to look at Jude, to see his disgust.
He presses a finger under my chin. "Look at me, Tor.”
I open my eyes and meet his gaze. "You are fucking clean." He kisses me, and slowly parts my thighs again.
